Not only has God been showing me that certain things I wanted were not truly what I wanted, but He's also been showing me how much He loves me. And let me tell you, it's a lot. This is going to sound like the most cliche blog you've probably ever read...but keep reading. God not only loves you so much that He sent Jesus to die for you, but He continues to show it to you everyday if you let Him. And.....if you trust Him.
Let me start where it all began. It was the middle of August when everything seemed to be going well. I had a full time job, and a part time job that I seemed to be handling quite well. Sure, I was tired from working 8am-midnight every night, but I was managing and the money was great. Yet, it seemed I was working for nothing.. I felt unappreciated, unnoticed, and that maybe God was sort of punishing me for getting into debt and forcing me to get myself out of it. Eventually, I was not doing so hot at either jobs. I was really tired, irritable, barely making it to work on time, not caring about my performance, etc.
Well, once my temporary job had ended that's when I realized how much I missed the security of it all. I worked in a safe environment, with safe people, for a safe organization. By "safe" I mean, "secure", "Christian", and that there was no amount of spiritual warfare whatsoever. God's presence resided over that place, but I still felt like it was all fake. My opinions still haven't changed much. You an add this onto the previous blog I posted about not having things turn out as I wanted or expected.
Anyway...what is the point of this and how does it relate to God's love? Well, here goes.
Once this position ended I was left with just my second retail customer service job. I definitely didn't want to make a career of it, but I am so thankful I had it to fall back on. These past few months I've gotten more hours there and have got to have some really great conversations about the Lord with numerous people. Working in customer service has had its advantages, and very few disadvantages if I could even think of any. However, I know this is not my calling forever....retail, that is. Yet, my calling is to love people like that every day in every way...every type of person. And in customer service you definitely get them all.
I felt stranded, alone, anxious, cold, numb, frightened, etc. You name it, I felt it. Sometimes you never realize a good thing when you have it. In hindsight, I wouldn't change what happened...I couldn't have changed what happened, but I wished it had worked out differently!! However, God's plan was to teach me through it, not prevent me from it. After this position, I had a really great job lined up with a local nonprofit. I would help with their marketing for their financial business, and then help with the nonprofit doing their events.
I had to plan a 5k. So, I did. And after it....they suddenly didn't have any hours for me. This was an answer to prayer on both ends, and I'm glad it didn't work out. Such an odd thing to say, "I'm glad it didn't work out." The 5K didn't turn out as well as we had hoped for, but it was a torrential downpour that day and I guarantee you that's half the reason. We were all still happy it happened how it did. It is finished and we know how to make next year's even better! I count this as a win. Well, somewhat.
After a few weeks of being there we had a discussion about how things were going, the 5K, what to change, how to grow for next year, etc. I was pretty happy there, so I didn't expect that I would be basically out of a job by the end of it.. but that's exactly what happened. All of the employees had been reorganizing and restructuring as we had planned on expanding into the next office suite. This transition process was taking way longer than anticipated, and truth be told, the construction company should have been released from the project. Near the end of September I had my last day there, but was told I could still do the social media and keep in contact with clients. I was happy with that...but I know that "restructuring" and "reorganizing" translated to "you aren't a good fit", and "we don't have room for you". I was crushed.
For the first time in my life I was sort of "let go" from a job, however, technically, the job hasn't ended. I'm still volunteering and helping where I can when they need it, but as far as paying my bills went... I was let go. This is the scariest and most uncomfortable position I've ever been in. That feeling of being unwanted, not good enough, not professional enough, not intellectual enough, not fitting in.....the list could continue. I felt it...and man, did it hurt.
What was I going to do?
How were my bills going to be paid?
I'm going to get behind on rent...
I have to worry about having enough gas and food....
UGH. Fear, worry, doubt, insecurity and uncertainty all crept in. I've already had my parents giving me a difficult time about finances and wanting me to take over my loan payments... this is literally the worst thing that could have happened to me. Little did I know that it would get worse.
People will come looking for your rent money, whether or not you have all of it. They will take the last bit of cash you have, even if it's for food. The bills that you were getting ahead on will fall way behind and you wonder when tax collectors will come and find you. You start to wonder how your car payment will get paid and if they will come repossess your car. Well, that'd really be the end of it because you couldn't get to work to make MORE money! Such a vicious, greedy, financial cycle we live in. Ironically, I love finances and nerd out for any sort of financial discussion...and that will be further explained in a later blog. Hold tight.
Thus...the job hunt began...and boy was it awful. The longest month and a half of my life, undoubtedly. I hate spending 2 hours on one online application and having to type up a new cover letter for every company! Sure, you save a template and change a few things to tweak it for each new place, but it still just absolutely blows. What's even worse? Having a long interview, thinking it went well, sending a follow-up email, doing everything right, yet having nobody call you back.
One time I even had a 3 hour long group meeting, took numerous personality tests, timed and untimed math tests, problem solving tests, aptitude tests...and still nothing. I was the first done with every test. I aced the math portion. I had a strong personality type that fit the job description. The next day they even sent me homework to do. I had to create an excel line graph documenting the annual rainfall in Australia from 1950-2000. No joke. I wish I could make this up. I thought I was done with college and homework!? Oh, and I also had to create a business letter addressed to a company in another state, give the client his representative's name, and confirm the time of a meeting, all of which could be found by Google. I spend 5 hours on it just to be sure I did it correctly. After waiting with anxiety for a week and a half they finally sent an email saying how strong of a candidate I was but that they had went with someone else. Yet, they encouraged me to reapply in the future because of my skill sets.
Again, why am I writing all of this? Because it documents every intricate detail of how God is good and faithful to His children. Sure, I didn't get the answer I wanted, and it sure as heck wasn't in the time frame I wanted (immediately, of course), but God provided.
My bills were always taken care of. Sure, I got behind (and am still behind) on a few of them, but I always had food and gas and the essentials of life. God provided the right job, at the right time, too.
I guess the point of this story is not to talk about jobs and finances, it's to talk about the sheer goodness and graciousness of God. I absolutely don't deserve anything I have, but out of the sheer love God has for us, He freely gives to us.
He doesn't give to us because we are the most faithful Christian on earth.
He doesn't give to us and provide for us because we look the best.
He doesn't give to us because we say the most spiritual of things.
He doesn't give to us because we are devout to church and even play on the worship team or lead a Sunday School class.
He gives to us because He loves us. We don't deserve His blessings...and there's absolutely no formula or routine thing we can do to earn them. It's free. A gift. We never know what it will be, or when it will come...but He will provide for you. He will give you what you need. I've done so many things wrong in this process, but thankfully it has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with God and His character.
I didn't deserve to be saved. I'm a wretched human being with a wicked and extremely sinful heart. My heart is the dirtiest part of my being, and it's internal so it's not something I can just change overnight. My character is imperfect, yet always learning and desiring to change and be transformed. Well, the good news is that while we're imperfect and in process, God gives to us because He loves us. And....He can take away from us....because that's still a sign of His love, too.
3 things I can never argue:
God is love.
God is good.
God is gracious.
Thus...the job hunt began...and boy was it awful. The longest month and a half of my life, undoubtedly. I hate spending 2 hours on one online application and having to type up a new cover letter for every company! Sure, you save a template and change a few things to tweak it for each new place, but it still just absolutely blows. What's even worse? Having a long interview, thinking it went well, sending a follow-up email, doing everything right, yet having nobody call you back.
One time I even had a 3 hour long group meeting, took numerous personality tests, timed and untimed math tests, problem solving tests, aptitude tests...and still nothing. I was the first done with every test. I aced the math portion. I had a strong personality type that fit the job description. The next day they even sent me homework to do. I had to create an excel line graph documenting the annual rainfall in Australia from 1950-2000. No joke. I wish I could make this up. I thought I was done with college and homework!? Oh, and I also had to create a business letter addressed to a company in another state, give the client his representative's name, and confirm the time of a meeting, all of which could be found by Google. I spend 5 hours on it just to be sure I did it correctly. After waiting with anxiety for a week and a half they finally sent an email saying how strong of a candidate I was but that they had went with someone else. Yet, they encouraged me to reapply in the future because of my skill sets.
Again, why am I writing all of this? Because it documents every intricate detail of how God is good and faithful to His children. Sure, I didn't get the answer I wanted, and it sure as heck wasn't in the time frame I wanted (immediately, of course), but God provided.
My bills were always taken care of. Sure, I got behind (and am still behind) on a few of them, but I always had food and gas and the essentials of life. God provided the right job, at the right time, too.
I guess the point of this story is not to talk about jobs and finances, it's to talk about the sheer goodness and graciousness of God. I absolutely don't deserve anything I have, but out of the sheer love God has for us, He freely gives to us.
He doesn't give to us because we are the most faithful Christian on earth.
He doesn't give to us and provide for us because we look the best.
He doesn't give to us because we say the most spiritual of things.
He doesn't give to us because we are devout to church and even play on the worship team or lead a Sunday School class.
He gives to us because He loves us. We don't deserve His blessings...and there's absolutely no formula or routine thing we can do to earn them. It's free. A gift. We never know what it will be, or when it will come...but He will provide for you. He will give you what you need. I've done so many things wrong in this process, but thankfully it has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with God and His character.
I didn't deserve to be saved. I'm a wretched human being with a wicked and extremely sinful heart. My heart is the dirtiest part of my being, and it's internal so it's not something I can just change overnight. My character is imperfect, yet always learning and desiring to change and be transformed. Well, the good news is that while we're imperfect and in process, God gives to us because He loves us. And....He can take away from us....because that's still a sign of His love, too.
3 things I can never argue:
God is love.
God is good.
God is gracious.
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