The Cure for Desperation.

Sometimes I focus on the things that need to be changed, and not so much on the things I'm already doing well. Mainly because I think I'm good at something, until I realize that there's always someone out there who can do it better.

Maybe I'm not the most effective person, but I CAN focus on being more efficient.
I don't notice what I'm doing well, I only notice what I'm not doing well.
This should probably change..
If you don't know the things you're good at, nobody else will.

At this honest moment, I don't know what I'm feeling, but I know something is missing.
I go through the daily routine and discipline, but although you do these things it doesn't necessarily mean that you're growing.

I want to grow.
I feel like there's so much more to learn and do.
But the idea of this is so overwhelming that you don't know where to begin.

I want to change, but sometimes I think I'm good enough the way I am.
I want to be more outgoing, then I think that it's perfectly acceptable to keep to myself.
I want to be a leader, but part of me is fine with being a follower.

The only thing all of these have in common: fear.
I don't think it's a fear that I'm "afraid" of something...
It's more so a fear of becoming something other than I'm not, and equally hating that as well.

What's the point of changing if you won't like the result? Or if others won't like the result? It just seems pointless to me. Yet, the idea of change is the only consistent thing we experience as humans.

I guess I'm just trying to say that there's something in my life that's still missing.
A part of me that I find incomplete. And...it isn't God. He's completely there.

I just block out this part of me..
This yearning desire.
Urge.
I contain it.
When you block the thoughts out of your mind, it makes the reality of never finding someone easier to believe. It becomes more acceptable, like a goal you can obtain. It seems reversed, but it makes the desire go away..
This must be the cure for desperation.
If only I could patent it, wrap it, and sell it for a price.
I'd tell the desperate girls that it's ok to live a loveless life.

R.I.P. Michael Frey.

I'm grieved to hear about the loss of a guy who went to my high school.
Tonight he took his life by shooting himself.
Sorry if that's too graphic, but I refuse to water down the reality that will eventually hit us all.......death.
Death is the only thing FINAL.

It's so very sad, and I'm praying for Michael's family and friends who will miss him dearly.
Granted, I didn't know him too well, but I do remember having some conversations with him every now and then.
He played baseball with my brother and I saw him around church every now and then.
Last thing I knew about him was that he planned on going into a military branch of some type.
I didn't know him too personally, but I know he was picked on severely growing up.
I know at one point he lived with his grandma.
I don't know if he had siblings...but I do know he probably felt alone..

I'm just upset.
I'm upset that bullying is so strong in our school systems.
I'm angry because it's a cold, hard world out there.
I'm grieved because the world has lost another to suicide.

I hope Michael is resting in peace tonight. I don't know if he had a relationship with Christ, and I'd rather not think about it, but the reality is that he's still dead. I just can't believe it. I can't believe Satan can have such strongholds on us. I can't believe God allows some to attempt suicide and live to tell the story, and others He doesn't.

I'm still in shock.
I can't sleep.
His poor family...they now have an element missing.
An emptiness. Confusion, I'm sure.
It seems so out of nowhere.

You never really know the feelings people may be having deep down.
The suicidal thoughts. The darkness...
At one point, I was there myself....but the love of Christ consumed me and I'm forever thankful for that.

I see lots of people writing on Michael's Facebook about how much they love and miss him...
My thought is, "Why weren't these people telling him this BEFORE this happened!??" Upsetting..
It just really makes me rethink my life. I want to be more loving. I want to tell people, "I LOVE YOU!!" way more often. I never want to be a bully. Heck, I never even want to say anything mean now. Not one little thing....because it may be the thing that drives someone over the edge.

There's at least ONE person out there who cares about you. Who loves you. Who wants to see you succeed in life. Who believes in you. Who thinks about you. Who misses you.

We can't think about the things we didn't do. The things we didn't say. Michael is gone, but we can use this to change the future drastically for people in similar situations. Say hello to someone as you pass them in the hallway, smile as you walk past them, shake their hand, have a small chat....SOMETHING!!!

Reach out to others with the kindness and love of Christ.
You may be the only example of it they see...
And you may be the last one....the last chance.

R.I.P. Michael.
This blog is for you.

Passion Week.

This morning I was awakened shortly after 6 am to a text message from a friend.
I decide that it's pointless to go back to sleep, so I reply then get up and read Scripture.

As you know...it's Passion Week.
The week of preparation before the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
I was first reminded that "you should read the Gospels more often".
Then I was reminded, "How passionate are you, Sarah?"
It's Passion Week....Jesus was passionate about us, that's why He died for us.

The MOST painful death anyone can endure, death on the cross.
The most SHAMEFUL death anyone can bare.
The most selfless act of humanity ever demonstrated.
Jesus paid it all.

I was lead to Luke 22-24. These 2 chapters are probably the most powerful chapters in the Bible.
Jesus was betrayed, mocked, led up a hill to face his own death.
As he was praying in the garden before this, He sweat tears of blood.
That's passion.

He was purely human and had humanly emotions.
He was weeping...tears...of...blood.
His body was probably shaking thinking about dying for me.

I just wept. For an hour. As I was reading.

It's Passion Week.
I just want to remind you what we need to be passionate about.
That's Jesus, and Scripture, and our friends who don't have a personal relationship with Christ.
It grieves me....it breaks my heart..
Those were the people Christ was passionate about.

So, if you're out there reading this and you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus, I pray that you would open your heart to Jesus' death on the cross. He died and was resurrected 3 days later for you. This is what we celebrate on Easter, not a huge bunny that hops around dropping off presents at your doorstep.

What are you passionate about?
I pray it's the same things Jesus was passionate about.

Don't Settle.

I've been thinking a lot lately.
I'm not sure exactly what God wants from me, but I do know what He DOESN'T want from me.

He doesn't want mediocrity, He wants extraordinary.
He doesn't want lukewarm, He wants FIERY passion.
He doesn't want a divided heart, He wants dedication.

I don't know where God will take me, but I know where He won't take me.
He won't take me somewhere I won't be of use.

I've been thinking...
What does God want from me?
The easiest Christian answer is "everything".
What is EVERYTHING?

Every breath.
Every thought.
Every action I make.
Every word I say.
It should glorify.

How do I spend my money?
How do I spend my time?

Anyway...onto my next thought.
Although I don't know what God wants for me, I know He wouldn't want me to settle.

I refuse to settle for less than I deserve.
I refuse to settle for anything less than perfect.

I refuse to marry someone who isn't worthy.
I refuse to give up education and be a stay at home mom.
I refuse to submit to things that have no authority over me.
I refuse to subjugate my life to being a workaholic.

I think there's a difference in settling for something God has in store for you,
as opposed to settling because you can't find anything else...or someone else.

I may not be able to rationalize my feelings the moment I start feeling them,
but I refuse to let my emotions yield me to vulnerability.

I refuse to let the past predict my future.
I refuse to let my mistakes define me.
I refuse to make those mistakes again..
I refuse to not love others.
I refuse to be close-minded.
I refuse to keep quiet.
I refuse to not be opinionated, but will learn when TO be.
I refuse to let others pressure me into saying "yes" anymore.

I refuse to keep waiting for something to happen when it was never supposed to.
I refuse to let myself go.
I refuse to let something great pass by when I know it's exactly what I want.

Lesson: Don't settle.

You don't want to look back wishing you made a different decision, or that you would have waited a tad bit longer.

Don't compromise your priorities, wants, desires, ANYTHING...for anyONE.
It's a pretty worthless feeling.