Bend, But Don't Break.

How do you know when you're giving away too much of yourself?
As in...

How do you know when you're too obsessed with someone?
When you love too intensely? If that's even possible.

When you feel like you've given all you can give, how do you give more?
Are you supposed to overexert yourself? Or are you to take on solely what you know you can handle?

This is my predicament.
I guess I just don't know where to draw the line, and I'm too non-confrontational to do it.
I don't say what I feel.
I have a hard time telling people no.
I feel like I'm letting people walk all over me.
But....I don't know any other way.
I would rather sacrifice my happiness than stir things up.
I would rather live miserably than to tell others what I really feel.

Then again....sometimes I'm too blunt.
When there's no filter I say whatever the heck comes to mind.
Most of the time it just hurts others.
That's where the problem lies....
Not knowing where to draw the line.

I come home everyday to a disgusting house.
It always smells like dog pee to me.
My feet are black from walking on the floors because nobody ever cleans them.
The bathroom seems extra nasty when it's my week to clean it.
There's ALWAYS dishes in the sink.

I always try to clean up after myself, and I guess I expected others to as well.
I figured it's just something people knew how to do.
My room isn't a disaster.
My clothes are always clean.
I'd like to think that I'm always well groomed and never smelling bad.
Personal hygiene is a must..

I just don't know what to do anymore.
I can't keep picking up what isn't mine because it's driving me crazy.
I don't know how people can live like this sometimes...
I want to invite people over, but I'm scared to.

It's probably just because I'm OCD and anal about cleanliness...and it's hard when you live with people who aren't.
I just feel like everyday I'm complaining to my mom about how much I have to do, but I never really speak up about it when it needs it.

Another huge thing is helping out financially. I can only do so much, but it's jacked up because I'm the youngest one, yet the most financially stable. I love tithing, saving, and rarely spending. Granted, when I do spend money I spend a lot because chances are that I've been saving up for that extra special something.

If I think about the next 11 months here, I just wonder what's going to happen after that.
We will all part our separate ways and  continue on with life.
I'll look back thinking, "Man. I learned a lot."
Ultimately, I hope to be even more dependent on God to get me through stuff, and to learn how to have better relationship with the people so close me.

I just thought this would be different than it is.
It's hard forming routines around each other, not getting to always do what you want.
Listening to someone blast their music really loud...
Getting on different sleep patterns...

It's quite the change from dorm life and living on your own because you have to bend...and hopefully not break.

I Wish I Could Think of a Creative Title For This.

I'm going to be completely honest here...
Recently I've been struggling with a lot of self-loathe.
I'm not sure what's caused it but it's pretty bad right now.

Self-loathe: an extreme dislike or hatred of oneself.
That pretty much sums it up.

I wake up everyday, look in my double sliding door mirrors on my closet and think, "WTH just happened."
My hair is gross, my face has been sorta zity lately.
I really can't find too many things about myself that I do like, but for the sake of saying something positive I'm gonna have to go with: eyes, teeth, tan skin, hair color, curls, my face overall.
I pretty much hate the rest of my body.
I'm learning to like it, but I still hate the way I look.

How is it that some people are just completely comfortable in their own skin and others are so self-conscious they just want to curl up and die in any form of social setting in which others may notice them?
...At times I think I want to be noticed but at other times I just want to hide in a cave away from the world.
I'm not making sense.

I'm so weird.
I was just thinking about this the other night... I even asked people at work, "What happens when you realize how weird you are?"
A response: "Embrace it."
Well...I wish it was easy. Literally after everything I say I beat myself up and think, "That was so stupid, Sarah. Why did you say that?" Or...most oftentimes it's, "Why did you do that? Stop acting dumb."
It plagues me everyday, and I wish I knew where it came from, but this self-esteem issue has got to go.

I wake up everyday hating myself...then I go workout and run my butt off, and I buy lots of healthy food and have started cooking more since living in my new apartment.
Today I saw results though, I wore a dress that I bought a month ago and it fit better today than when I tried it on the first time. I'm glad, but it's not enough.
Run faster....
Lift more...
Eat better...
It's driving me crazy.
Why do I have to try this hard to get anywhere in life? I guess that's what my parents always warned me about, "Enjoy life while you're young because when you're an adult life gets hard."

I don't know..
My mom's been trying to help me, but let's face it, she's my mom.....she has to think highly of me.

I don't look like anyone I've ever seen.
I cannot piece together a cute outfit to save my life.
I wish I could do something with my hair....I wish it would grow, I'm taking pills for that....yet, no results.
I look in the mirror and I just think about how short I am....
How I need more laser hair removal. 

Ugh. I hate myself, but I'm done complaining.
Time to sleep off my grumpiness.

P.S. If anyone looks at me and says, "You look really tired." I might quite possibly shank them.

Oh, a few last thoughts...

Today at work we were talking about being made fun of growing up and my only response was that all the fat people get picked on. Kids say the most hurtful things and it's amazing how I can remember the exact moment, and my exact feelings and emotions when someone (I still remember who..) looked me in the eyes and called me fat. I just put my head down and ignored them....but you never forget.

I also remember a guy telling one of my friends that if I was 30 pounds thinner I would be hot and he would date me.

Here's the kicker.... in the past 2 hours I've literally heard 2 marriage stories of how looks are important.
The guy looks at a picture of the girl and immediately knows he's going to marry her. 46 years later this still rings true..
The girl looks at the guy the first time they meet and knows she wants to marry him one day.

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE.
I have no idea, but I do know that some of us will never be this lucky.
It's like they don't have to do any work and blindly run into the "right" person.

The even more SUCKY part is that the guy I could possibly have interest in isn't even dating at this time. And everyday he manages to bring that to my attention somehow.... I haven't even flirted with him or anything, but he can probably read my mind or something?

Ok...I'm rambling....and this can only get worse..................
Goodnight.

Blahh.

I find myself sitting here in my room attempting to do homework with a million other thoughts crossing my mind. Well, rather, one main thought.... about my future.

I'm so stressed out about doing this homework, probably because I put it off until the last minute which always happens...

I feel like I've lost control.
I can barely control what I wear in the morning.
My hair barely lets me control it.
My exhaustion never ceases.
I never have time for anything I should be making time for.
My money seems plenty, but I still feel like it's not enough.

I just feel like nothing goes as it's planned out in my head.
I feel like I have no control over anything. Right now...it's mainly my emotions and feelings.
I don't feel overwhelmed with my emotions as normal. This time I'm trying to prevent them from happening.
I don't want to have feelings for someone who's off limits. Someone who isn't even dating or looking to date.
I can't control myself.
I don't know how to NOT feel this way....and I don't know how to prevent this from going any further than it needs to be.

I wish I could get shut down and hurt now to prevent it happening to an even greater extent in the future.
Deep down I know it'd never work out anyway.
In real life you'd never look my way.
I'd remain in the friends zone like I always have.

I have to do things differently if I want different results...
This is the plan: Not tell you. Pretend there's nothing there. Move on about my life. Let go. Don't be dramatic in any way and don't throw yourself on anyone. Don't drop hints. Just act like everything is normal. Don't get attached.

I was listening to a Tyrone Wells song called, "Freedom."
The lyrics say, "When you let it go, what they say is true. When you let it go it will come right back to you. When you let it go there is freedom if you do. When you let it go it will come right back to you."
This is like my new life theme song!!! Seriously. It's catchy and upbeat. :)

Ahhh....*sighs. If I could give advice to myself, and actually force myself to listen to myself, I would say this:
"Try not to think about it. Keep your mind focused on God and everything else will fall into place. And stop blogging about everything because people will start to think you're depressed or desperate. Jeish. Get over yourself."

At that, I'm done writing.
And now....it's the hurry up and wait.
Maybe at this time next year you will be at a better place.
We both need to heal from what seems to be the exact same ailment.
Or maybe my wishful thinking will get the best of me yet again.

Live to Love.

I just have to write this down...

Sunday School was sooooo good.
I never thought it could be so deep, emotional, intellectual, yet theological at the same time.

The idea that struck me most was when we defined God's love for us.
We can define it with this one word....and no, it's not "unconditional."
We can define God's love as unrequited.

If you don't know what unrequited means, it's synonymous with unreciprocated.
God loves us so much....that he can experience pain from it.

I've been in love with two guys in my life. When they fell away from God it was the most painful, heart-wrenching time of my life. I felt so much pain. My heart literally hurt, all day long. It just disgusted me. How could someone turn away from the living God? The very thing that gives us breath and that even allows us to live in the first place.

Love...can sometimes be painful, but that's when you know it's true....because God experiences it too.

God must feel pain when he loves us unconditionally and unrequited.  He must. I've been there and I've felt that inseparable love, but God feels it for all humanity. His heart must be broken when we reject him, when we sin, when we misuse His name, when we fail to love others.....God hurts.

When I think of Jesus I think of the most gentle touch...
When you're sick the very touch of Jesus could heal you.
When your heart's broken the very love of Jesus can consume you so powerfully it nearly knocks you over.
The Holy Spirit can so deeply transcend your body and make you feel tingly shivers.
It just amazes me....that God loved us enough to take on the sins of the world.

The message today in church only confirmed the Sunday school lesson.

We hear the message of the cross over and over again, but that doesn't make it any less powerful.
In my opinion, we need to preach the cross more because everything else we say should always relate back to that. Jesus died on the cross for you and for me.

My class was asked the question, "Why did Jesus have to die?"  The reality is that we've fallen from God and live in a corrupt and depraved world.  Our very human nature is sinful and corrupt. To be saved we had to have an equivalent without blemish: Jesus.

"He knew no sin, but suffered as if he did."

Jesus' death on the cross should have been us. Each and every one of us.
It's no wonder that in the garden of Gethsemane before he was to be crucified he wondered if there was any other way.....any other way to do this besides death on the cross. The most shameful death a Jew could die. Humiliation, and being spit on.. yet, we continue to sin in our daily lives. That's the very same as continually spitting on Jesus. It's telling him that his death and resurrection meant nothing to us. But because of our humanity, depravity, and corruption  we continue to do sin. In fact, it's impossible not to sin, but when we do we should know that God HATES sin.  In fact, sin is the only think listed in the Bible that God hates.

Back to love..
If you've ever been in a place where love was painful, imagine that, but imagine it for all of humanity. Jesus was praying in the garden of Gethsemane and was sweating blood. BLOOD. I don't know about you, but I've never sweat blood, ever. It was such a heavy burden...and the message of the cross is just as heavy to me today.

There's a better way. There's a better way than the way you're doing things now. There's a greater love than anything we as humans could ever feel. There's a better path in life to take than the one we have in mind for ourselves.

We are just humans... we're so limited in the things we can do.  We cannot bring healing to ourselves, granted, we can treat wounds but we can't bring ultimate healing to our souls.  We cannot bring ultimate restoration, and we cannot make ourselves new creations. There's been so many times when I just think, "I wish I could just start completely over." I can try... I could change my name, change the way I look, change where I live and what car I drive, but deep down I would still be the same person. But why would I waste my time trying to do all that stuff when I can just look to God and say, "Make me new." and start a complete life transformation from that very moment on?

I'm just rambling now... but I just love the idea of love. I love the idea of loving other people. I wish I could be in love with every human the way Jesus is, but I'm not God and I could not handle that sort of pain.. It hurts when someone does not love you back. The emotional pain is just gripping, and your heart aches with every throb, but I want to live to love.