Being Spiritually Awake to the Unawakened Spirituals.

Let me just preface this blog before you read it..

It isn't nice.
It isn't theological.
It's me venting... so you'll just have to accept that.
I'm probably not right by what I say.
I'm probably speaking out of emotion, but sometimes that's okay.

So...I have to go into work at 7am today. I wake up and as soon as I step outside my door I find a packet of papers called, "No Christian Left Behind."  Pretty motivational....but I think these papers ended up at the wrong apartment.  I thought about sliding them over to my neighbors door, but then I decided that I really want to read them.....and I haven't yet, so I'll have to update you about that later.

Anyway, I was really thinking about God on my way to work this morning.  I was thinking that the roads are nice and empty, it's dark and cold, and I don't have an ice scraper when I really needed one, which almost made me late.... yet, there's a peace that swept over me.  Listening to worship on the way in just made it that much better. God knows I needed it to prepare myself for something else later.

There's this girl I work with.... I definitely don't like her, which makes me thankful that Christ said you never had to "love" them, but you had to "show" love to them. Well it's really difficult with her. 

I walk  up to the store before it even opens and I overhear her talking to my boss about her night...
She was talking about how tired she was and she even had a Starbucks in hand to prove it. 

Her, "So, I left the bar last night....and I called him, but I didn't think he was going to pick up....but then he did. And then I went over there....and then I left at 5am to go home, take a shower, then get back to work." 

Now, you have to understand this girl. She brags about EVERYTHING. Yep, even booty calls. It just makes me really sad because she talks about this "guy she's dating" when really they probably just sleep together, and you can label me as a judgmental, bad Christian, I really don't care, but this is the kinda stuff I hear her talking about ALL THE TIME.

She continually complains about being tired for the next 3, 4 hours we're at work.  And then...I decided to speak up. She complained again....and I said, "Hum.. I feel pretty good today." My boss goes, "Yeah. Me too. I'm a morning person though."  That was all it took for her to say, "Well....this week has been busy... I had to go here at so and so time. Then I had to be here..." At this point I just blocked her out.  Her voice annoys me. The things she does annoys me.  Her work "ethic", if you want to call it that, annoys me.

EVERYTHING ABOUT HER ANNOYS ME.

I know, you're probably thinking, "Dang. Sarah is....(fill in the blank), and you'd be right.
I'm just not sure how to handle her.  I'm struggling to find compassion for her "tiredness" at work when really it's just from her drinking too much, and having sex all night with her "boyfriend" she found on the internet. (This is a whole 'nother story in itself...). REALLY. You expect me to have compassion for how sleepy she is at work from not going to sleep the night before?? NO.

I'm just really proud of myself for calling her out on it.  She was bragging about all the "exams" and "tests" she's had to take....and granted, I'm sure it was a lot of hard work. 3 Praxis tests, she's a proctor for the ACT, she's taken the SAT, MCAT....blah, blah, blah. I get it. You're "successful".  But what I DON'T find successful is willingly calling a guy for a booty call because you feel so bad about yourself and your lack on self-confidence that HE is the only thing that will fix that.  I also don't find it very successful that you're an irresponsible drinker...and that you THRIVE on telling the "great" stories of it the next day.

I really just find you sort of lame.

And then...God convicted me of my lack of compassion for you. Lucky, you.

On the way home I just kept thinking....."I just really don't like her. Her personality clashes with mine. She brags about everything..." At one point in our conversation I interrupted her and rudely said that I had taken the credentialing exam and will soon be a Reverend.  I know, how prideful of me right? I just really wanted her to shut up, to be honest. Granted, I could have picked ANYTHING that wasn't spiritual, but I decided to be spiritual...and show her how spiritual I was. Terrible decision? Probably. I feel bad for doing it, but at that moment I was ignorant to her unawakened spirit....which leads me to say this.

I want to write a book called, "Being Spiritually Awake to the Unawakened Spirituals." 
On the way home, under my conviction, I felt bad and the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, "Have compassion."  However, I feel like there's a difference in having compassion on someONE and on the amount of tiredness they show because of their bad decisions.  I have no compassion on the bad consequences that come with making bad decisions. 

I'll say it.
I'm glad she was miserable from drinking and such because maybe it will help her wake up and realize the world around her.....and that the world, in fact, doesn't revolve around HER.
Really, I don't have to work harder to make up for your lack of work ethic because of your decisions. And, I refuse to anyway.

Then again....this idea of compassion comes back to haunt me.

2 things I'm struggling with:
1. Finding the fine line between compassion and pity.
2. Simply just pitying people.

I know, you're gonna think I'm terrible, but I really just have to say it because maybe one of you out there can help me.

I want to have compassion for her, and on those others out there that I will soon face one day. 
Yet, part of me wants to pity her and find her dire life situation just really sad, and walk away.

Back to my book idea.... I also felt convicted that although I am spiritually awakened and others are not, we are the same.  God loves me just as much as he loves her, and at times I want to throw a temper tantrum and think it isn't fair. Granted, one day I'll be judged just as much as they will be, but at least I am ready for it.  The compassion comes in here....because they are not ready for this judgment that is to come.

And then something flashed before my eyes. 
The politics are getting out of control.
Even simple "faith" or "religion" conversations in the workplace can be a mild form of persecution.

....but the worst is yet to come.
The world is going to get FAR worse before the rapture happens, I think.
People are gonna have to choose one side or the other. And it really is a constant battle.

We are at war for our souls...and only the spiritually awakened realize it.
Just prepare yourselves....because things are gonna get nasty in the end times.
They already are.

I was texting my friend about this and he told me to remember 2 things.
1. People aren't the things they did yesterday, but they are their beliefs today.
2. People want to feel important.

And to this I have to say that 1: We all HAVE sinned and fall short of God's glory, but some boast about their shortcomings and I will never understand why.  It's like the things in #1, the things they do/did ARE indeed the things that make them feel important, #2.

So really, all this to say, I need to learn the difference between compassion and pity.
I need to be "Spiritually Awake to the Unawakened Spirituals". 

There are people out there who need Christ. And from now on I'm determined to find boldness so I can unashamedly preach the Gospel.

Oh, and on the way home I see her get in her car and start smoking a cigarette. I really wanted to snub my head at her, and then I just though, "it's really sad that people turn to cigarettes, booty calls, and drinking too much to make them feel important." 

We must learn to be spiritually awake to the unawakened spiritual people out there, because other than the fact that we are spiritually awake and they aren't...........we're the exact same.

God, help me.

You know those people who just fall through the cracks of society?
The people who go through life unnoticed, and then you suddenly meet them one day and discover how awesome they are?
Like, you wish you would have became their friends years ago...
Because when you meet, you feel like you've already known them for ages?
Yeah. Sometimes I feel like that person.

I fear that I'll strive so hard and work towards my career...and forget to have fun.
Forget to work on me.
Forget what the "real world" looks like because I'm just cooped up in my room studying all day.

I never go out anymore.
I never hang out with friends, except when it's convenient.
And...I've honestly let all my friendships go down the drain.
However, some of them were too dramatic and I'm glad I weeded them out..

I feel like I may be slipping through the cracks..
Granted, I enjoy having my life on the "DL", down low, but I wish guys would notice me.
I have no issues talking to them and being friends with them.
But that's where it ends... and you remain stuck in the "friend zone" for the rest of your life.
Or so it seems.

I'm not complaining that I'll never get married.
Sometimes I pride myself on how successful I know I can be...
Yet, other times I wish I had someone to share it with besides Jesus.
Then again, Paul says to be content in every situation.

If I'm being truthful, I'm getting discouraged that I can't find a job that will give me more hours.
I love the Land's End, but I wish they'd give me more hours. 4, 6, 10 hours is not enough to pay rent.
I'm worrying...getting anxious....I feel a form of depression setting in. Not to mention the fact that I haven't been able to afford my hormone balancing prescription....which means my emotions are wack.
I also spent $100 on my ministerial credentialing application instead of spending that money on food.
What was I thinking!? I don't know... but the whole job hunt makes you feel unqualified for anything.

I'm trying to see light at the end of the tunnel. This year will be over in 7 months.
May will be here soon enough, and then I can move onto something bigger and better...and hopefully more permanent.
Until then, I have 7 months to form and mold myself into the person I want to be.
The professional side of me that's dying to come out, but not yet confident enough.

UGH. I'm just discouraged... I really need a better job, with more hours...
I want to be able to afford good food again.
Somehow I haven't had food, yet I haven't gone hungry.
There's always food available that someone's provided in some sort of capacity.
I just want my parents back.
I want to live in my old house.
And have the love and care that I need.
I feel like I'm dying on my own..
I'm starting to think that I can't take care of myself.

I just thought God gave me this job...and at times I've thought about going back to work at old jobs.
I walk in the door....and I have this sudden hatred swarm over me...I can't go back..
I want something new, something good, something along the lines of my future career, something that pays the bills.
I made rent this month, but I fear my paycheck this week will only be about $30.
I got in a few hours doing receipts for a missionary I know...
I just can't survive much longer like this.

God is a provider.
I just feel like He isn't taking good care of me at the moment.
Then again, I feel like all of this is my fault..
And I can't blame my work for not having more hours to give out..

I'm so bitter and angry.
I always get excited about something, starting something new, meeting someone new, and then everything just turns out to be a letdown.

God, help me.
I'm falling through the cracks of society.