If You've Grieved, You Truly Loved.

When you love someone....you just can't let it go. You never will. That's why it's "love". It never fails. Always perseveres. It never disappoints, and is always enough. We may not FEEL like it's enough, but feelings are deceiving. I've felt depressed for most of my life after high school. In fact, there was a time when I didn't even feel like getting out of bed that day. Instead, I'd rather just lay there and cry. Dying seemed like the only way out, and a very good option at that. I'd never have the guts to actually kill myself, or cause myself pain in any way. I hate pain, and I hate having to endure it.

Grieving....the gut wrenching feeling you get when you hear that certain someone's name, think about them, have a flashback, or a memory continually repeat itself...
Such a heavy burden you almost fall to your knees..

You love them so much, that you want every part of their life but there's nothing you can do about the life they're living. Well...I imagine that's how Jesus feels sometimes. I know God is hearing my thoughts, seeing my actions, and hearing my words and He's probably got some interesting thoughts about them.

I fall short of the glory of God everyday....I always will.
I'll never be enough, but still He wants me.
I'm so unloving and unkind, and down right selfish. But he still loves me back. Even when I don't desire him. Why? Because He's so merciful and faithful. Man. If you truly grasp this thought it's soooo profound.

God....the Almighty....Creator of heaven and earth, divine healer, Alpha and Omega, why don't people want this amazing love!!!?? I just don't get it. To go from sensing death everyday of your life, to basking in the love that feels like a ray of sunshing beating on your entire body. It's the best feeling in the world. Better than I would imagine sex to be. Better than winning the lottery. Better than sipping a martini in a hammock, or anything else this world could ever try to offer me.

.....Sometimes it just doesn't feel like it's enough. And recently I've figured out why. "Why Sarah, why isn't Jesus enough for you?" I couldn't figure it out. BUT, it hit me. Jesus isn't enough for me, because I don't LET HIM BE. I think to myself about all these things I want God to do for me, when really, I don't just be still and let God be God. We stress ourselves over trying to control things we have absolutely no pull on. We're paranoid about finances, and if we'll ever run outta money. We're obsessive about the opposite sex, and finding a mate.

WHY?
Well...usually when there's an element missing from our spiritual lives, it's probably ourselves. If I'm just not getting anything from daily Bible reading, it's probably because I'm taking myself out of it and not truly listening, absorbing, memorizing. It's because I'm looking for the blessing. It's because I want something from God....with a bad motive. Selfishness. Pride.

We'll never be good enough for God. My whole life that's how I felt. But although everyone else rejects and hurts you because you're not enough. God says He wants us FOR that very reason. He came to take the pain away. And He does. With a love so divine, nothing else could ever compare.

Have you ever just been staring off into space and you start crying? For no reason? Ok, maybe that's just me....but you realize God loves you. How could anyone love me? Nothing can separate us from the love of God. There's such a strong bond between Creator and creation, we're MADE to experience that in a relationship with Christ. That IS why He created us, to love us.

Man....I'm deep thinking tonight.
Back to love... if you grieve someone, you truly loved them. That's all there is to it. On late nights like these it comes back to creep on ya. It creeps up, and before you know it you're stuck missing them for the next few days. You love them. You always will. Maybe it's not in God's plan, but loving others is.

Saggy, Wrinkled. Butt Cheeks.

HAHAHAHA. Oh....peopleofwalmart website....have I got a picture for you!!

The walmart cashier was laughing as we were following behind her trying to take her picture. hahaha. She continued laughing as she rang up her transaction. I had to put my hand over my mouth...I couldn't be rude in public. lol. I left telling the clerk to "Have a good night."

Unforgettable.

There's a Snake in my Bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok...........SERIOUSLY. There WAS a snake in my bed. 5 FOOTER!!!!!!!!!!

Here's the story....

I walk in my room to go to sleep and I toss my Gatorade and journal onto my bed. I go to lift up the corner of the sheets and THERE IS A SNAKE hissing at me!!!!! OMG. It's coiled up on the ledge of my bed ready to strike.

I screamed and ran out of the room like a little school girl.
I really did.

Then my roommate Taylor and friend Daisy immediately put on cowgirl boots and run in there with antique fencing swords ready to battle.
Hilarious. But scary while it was all happening.

The battle commences....

I sit on the kitchen counter holding Taylor's Boston Terrier (Bella) and Jeremy is watching with me from the sidelines...
Taylor and Daisy pull out everything in my room!!! 2 mattresses and the heaviest wooden bed frame. 2 dudes probably couldn't have picked it up. ;)

But seriously...this was the craziest event that's ever taken place in my life. Ever. And I hope it's the last. lol.

So...there's an entertainment type thing/dresser that the snake crawls under. Seriously. We couldn't get the snake to come out from under the bed, and weren't able to kill it under the bed, so now what do we do!!!!???

Well. You stab it in the head. Pretty sure Jeremy did that, then put it in a trashcan and chopped it up in the garage!!!! Funny thing is, he's just as scared of snakes as we are. I told him to be a man and get in there. lol. He didn't. He was like, "So Jeremy, how was your first Date?" "Well............." haha. Poor guy.

Me: "Man, people do this all the time on TV, not in real life!"
Taylor: "They also have special snake hunting tools!!"

Luckily Daisy was in there to keep her sane saying, "He is gonna get you! I don't want you do get bitten (in a sweet caring voice). hahahahahaha.

This was priceless.
Wait...........it almost cost me my life....

I figured we should call my brother, or dad, or animal control.....but for real.
Me: "Where's the phonebook!!??"
Taylor: "Seriously!!?? The Bolivar animal control couldn't catch a friggin' goat running loose in the streets!"

Oh man...I wish I could tell you every single detail of this....but I can't remember. I've probably psychologically blocked out this traumatic event. UGH. There is no way I'm going to be able to sleep tonight.
It keeps replaying in my mind...

Cowgirl boots + 2 antique fencing swords + XS wifebeaters = snake killing equipment.
Oh, and a trashcan to chop it up in.

On a more serious note.....
Thank the Lord for not letting any of us get bitten.

I hate snakes. Did I mention that? Oh, and so does Taylor, Daisy, and Jeremy. Needless to say, that's what made this story so dramatic.
Most....intense....experience.......................ever.
Thank God it's over. Phew. Goodnight. I couldn't go to bed without blogging this.

"The Cook's Kettle" Experience.

Yesterday the Morrisville Assembly of God College and Career group got to take over the Victory Mission service at The Cook's Kettle on Commercial Street.
Here's my experience:

I got to play guitar on stage for the first time ever!! Man. What a mix of emotions and exhilaration. Being able to put together a worship team on the spot was pretty cool. For only having a week's notice we did great! We sang three worship songs and then "Lean on Me" which went perfect with the message preached.

Aside from worship, this was a very different type setting for a church service. You have about 30 to 40 homeless men and women (very few women), and maybe a few younger people in there as well. Working at Walgreens on the north side of town has allowed me to see a different type of clientele, so I guess you could say that's what I experienced here as well.

It was very fun though! The worship and message were very good, and I think a lot of them received it! The passage was Proverbs 3:5-6. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight". A few people came up for prayer and to talk to us after service. It was awesome. :)

Such a simple message, with powerful meaning.

THEN, our group went downtown to the Bistro Market. Such a cool place!!! I thought I was going to eat at the grocery store, then I realized they had a salad bar and buffet too. lol. Anyway.........it's nice getting to know new people. Especially ones that go to school and work just like you. They understand you. They love music like you do. Ultimately, they love the Lord like you do. Engaging Jesus conversations, and a place where you feel like you fit in.

I couldn't ask for more.
And I can't wait to go again in a month.

Toil is Meaningless.

I think I've realized what it means to be a Christian.
.....to grow stronger everyday in my walk with the Lord.
You're thinking, "Duh, Sarah. That's an easy one."
Well...is it really??

I opened to Ecclesiastes. I love all the wisdom and poetic books of the Bible! Anyway, I decide that I was going to read Ecc. today. "Everything is meaningless", such sarcasm, yet humor. My kind of book. :)

Ecclesiastes 2: Toil is Meaningless

Storytime..
Last night at work the wind was gusting and it was raining hard. Well, the glass in front of the Walgreens emblem blew in and glass broke everywhere. We didn't even close the store!! So I run and get 15 carts and a guy I work with helps me flip them over and put yellow rope around them so customers wouldn't walk under the glass fixture. People still tried!!! I question customer service everyday of my life. People..........love/hate relationships....... GAH.

Anyway, moral of the story: Toil is Meaningless. Just like Ecclesiastes says.
It's meaningless for me to go to work everyday hating it. Dreading it. And it's meaningless to NOT work hard. God put me there for a reason. Being light in the darkness isn't exactly easy...nor is it supposed to be.

"A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work." -Ecc. 2:24

Sarah.........eat, drink, and enjoy life. Enjoy having a job. Many don't.

"This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?" -verse 25

So true.

I MUST find satisfaction in my job. I have to find a way to stop hating it, and letting it cause my life misery.

"To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth over to the one who pleases God."

"This too is meaningless and chasing after the wind." - Ecc. 2:26

I guess....I just don't want to waste my time. Sometimes I feel like that's what I'm doing at Walgreens. Wasting my time for little money that barely helps me survive. Being unappreciated there, and being annoyed by customers everyday....

Toil is Meaningless.
But at this point in my life, the opening line of Ecclesiastes fits perfectly, "So, I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me."

Yep. Life isn't always peaches and cream, but God is still God, nonetheless.

Toil is Meaningless....

There is No Condemnation.

Deep thought of the day: Is a person known by the goodness, or evilness of their heart? The good and loving things within them, or the bad sinful things?

I have a friend whose grandmother is in the hospital dying right now. So, I'm sitting here pondering the meaning of life, and death. It actually isn't morbid. It's enlightening. I realized, if I were to die today, or tomorrow, or WHEN I DO die, what would I have left behind in the world? A peaceful heart....or a turmoiled heart.

Some realizations:
- I have a lot of bitterness.
- I have a lot of anger.
- I have a lot of resentment.

Sometimes people get the best of me.

However, I also have within my heart:
- Appreciation
- Admiration
- Envy
- Judgment

All these things.....most of them contradict. So, how is that possible? To have a loving heart, yet filled with so much evil? There are good, but there are definitely bad. Unfortunately, there will always be bad things in our hearts if we don't let God handle them, and if we don't face the trembling fear that repentance brings.

God,

I'm sorry for making my heart hardened towards others.
I'm sorry for harboring all this hatred and anger.

Although others see the outside, the chipper voice and "happy" face I portray, only God really knows the depth of my soul and the condition of my heart.

It's evident that my state of mind is becoming more clear.

I've realized being emerged in people brings out the worst in me...
I like isolation, but I don't like feeling alone....
Then again, feelings are irrelevant.

The only reason I'm in the current state I'm in, and the only reason people feel stuck about their situation is because they fail to see their other options.
With God there are always options, and probably more than one.
God = freedom.

This summer, I'm declaring freedom.
Freedom from myself and the hurtful things I put myself through.
I'm declaring freedom from my evil heart. The evil desires of my heart. The fleshly desires of my body.

No more bondage.

The Holy Spirit gives us the power to conquer sin.
Today I was led to Romans again......
"Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." - Romans 8:1-2

Although my friends grandmother is dying....the impact of her loving heart still lives on. I hope it's like that when I die. I don't want to be known for the evil or bad things in my heart. I won't.

The spirit of God has set us free. If we follow God and are led by His Holy Spirit, THERE IS NO CONDEMNATION. None whatsoever. Just like the verse says.

"The Righteous Will Live By Faith"

I open the Bible and it's Romans. As I start reading, I realize Paul is writing to the church in Rome. He longs to visit them, and he speaks about faith.

Maybe I've been lacking in faith?

The Holy Spirit spoke to me:
"Do you have faith that you'll get the job?"
"Yes."
"Do you have faith that you'll marry him?"
"Yes."
"Do you have faith that you'll lose weight?"
"Yes."

If we believe, IT WILL HAPPEN.
If we're obedient, it will happen.

Paul says, "we received grace and apostleship to call people from among the gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith." -Romans 1:5

OBEDIENCE COMES FROM FAITH.
I can't repeat that enough. If we're DISobedient, we lack faith. If we lack faith, then it will NEVER happen.

Such a simple concept, yet such an overlooked idea.

Paul then writes, "First, I think my God through Jesus Christ for all of you, because your faith is being reported all over the world." -Romans 1:8

I want my faith to be reported all over the world.
Rome obviously had great faith.

"...that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith." -Romans 1:12

Faith brings encouragement to other people.

"For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith."

Yeah Sarah.
"The righteous will live by faith."