My mind is telling me no.....
But my body is telling me yes.
Can't control these thoughts in my head.
Reminiscing about the past.
We used to have it all.
I was fun, free, and happy to be.
You fell away....we grew apart.
Dropped off the face of the earth.
You said you'd never leave.
I said I'd never let you go.
Times have shown...
Just how much we didn't know.
Young and naive..
If only I could go back.
I would have done things differently.
I would have never let you slip away.
I would have been the first.
I'm torn.
I know this is wrong...
There's so much at stake.
My future...my career.
This isn't the path to take.
My life could end before it even begins.
I know you're not the best for me..
But my heart can't take "No" for an answer.
I'm fighting my body....the sinful flesh.
I have to let you go..
Everyone knows..
This isn't how it's supposed to happen.
I want to do things right..
I must wait..
Monday, September 24, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
James Morrison- I Won't Let You Go
"I Won't Let You Go"
When it's black
Take a little time to hold yourself
Take a little time to feel around before it's gone
You won't let go but you still keep on falling down
Remember how you save me now from all of my wrongs
Yeah
If there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
Say those words
Say those words like there's nothing else
Close your eyes and you might believe
That there is some way out
Yeah
Open up
Open up your heart to me now
Let it all come pouring out
There's nothing I can't take
And if there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
If your sky is falling
Just take my hand and hold it
You don't have to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
And if you feel the fading of the light
And you're too weak to carry on the fight
And all your friends that you count on have disappeared
I'll be here not gone, forever holding on
If there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
If your sky is falling
Just take my hand and hold it
You don't have to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
I won't let you go
I won't let
I won't let you go
No, I won't let
I won't let you go
I won't let you go
Take a little time to hold yourself
Take a little time to feel around before it's gone
You won't let go but you still keep on falling down
Remember how you save me now from all of my wrongs
Yeah
If there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
Say those words
Say those words like there's nothing else
Close your eyes and you might believe
That there is some way out
Yeah
Open up
Open up your heart to me now
Let it all come pouring out
There's nothing I can't take
And if there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
If your sky is falling
Just take my hand and hold it
You don't have to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
And if you feel the fading of the light
And you're too weak to carry on the fight
And all your friends that you count on have disappeared
I'll be here not gone, forever holding on
If there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
If your sky is falling
Just take my hand and hold it
You don't have to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
I won't let you go
I won't let
I won't let you go
No, I won't let
I won't let you go
I won't let you go
Friday, September 7, 2012
Rest in Peace, You Weary Souls..
So...my grandfather passed away last week.
A week ago exactly I would have been driving to the hospital to visit him.
Little did I know that would be the last time I would visit him before he passed.
I knew he was critical, but I didn't know how bad...and I didn't know what to expect.
After all, I'd never seen death staring me straight in the face before. Literally.
It's raining...which makes driving in the dark immediately 10x worse.. especially if the hospital is your destination. I didn't really want to go...I drove by it....a few times....never going inside. My phone was dying so I decided it was best for me to go home and get a charger because my parents were texting and calling on and off that whole time. I got home and my bed looked so very deeply tempting...but I knew I would be sleeping in the hospital overnight. It's what a good granddaughter would do, especially since last time my grandpa was in the hospital I didn't even know, and I thought he had gotten out when he really didn't.... 2 weeks later he was still there and nobody told me otherwise. I owed it to him to be there, especially during his last moments.
I get there and lots of people are visiting. He's pretty popular in all the small neighboring towns. Everybody knew him and everybody loved him. Everyone finally left around midnight and we could all finally sleep. Lee had already been asleep for awhile when I got to the hospital. My brother (Caleb), aunt (Deana), and grandma (Marilyn) were there when I got there. My brother and I slept on the cold hard floor, although, I'm not sure we really did much sleeping. The hospital light was bright, the floor was so hard and cold that I was shivering constantly. I knew I was in for a painful night..
Lee was asleep peacefully in his bed. His breathing was heavy, but I guess that comes with old age. He was hooked up to oxygen and Marilyn was sitting next to him. There was nothing we could do or say to each other to ease the mood of the environment. It was just uncomfortable...and it was going to be until we left. So, regardless of our lack of sleep, all 4 of us woke up around the same time. I remember checking 6:22 on my phone to tell the time. I sat up, folded my blanket, fixed my hair, put on my glasses...and waited. I knew it had to be soon because God woke us all up around the same time...to prepare.
At 6:53 Lee Allen Holman went to be with Jesus. We waited and could tell his breathing was slowly getting heavier, deeper, and drawn out. I watched feeling helpless and upset that there was nothing I could do. He was sleeping peacefully and I knew his divine appointment was approaching. He lived no longer than was scheduled, and left no earlier than he should have. God always has perfect timing...even in death.
As I watched him sleep and breath I could tell that it was getting more difficult for him. During the night he had yelled/moaned a few times and it freaked us all out. I've never experienced death before so I didn't really know what this was. Each time I thought it might have been his last. His open-mouth breathing got heavier and then he stretched his body out.....then went into sleep apnea a few times. My aunt gave my grandma his hand and she held it. My aunt wiped up the drool as his tongue began to show and the sleep apnea took over. He breathed....then stopped....then breathed again.....then stopped...for good. My aunt held him and lifted up his eyelids and then put them back down. With tears in her eyes she said, "It's ok. You can go be with Jesus. It's ok. You can go home now." And with that she checked for a pulse for a few more seconds until she gave us the nod that he was gone.
This was a deeply sad day in my heart, and in my family's heart, but I watched my grandfather pass away with Jesus in his heart. There's no better feeling than that. He had a divine appointment with Jesus, and at times I'm often jealous of that. He's way ahead of me in life, and he's at peace and rest.
There's no pain in heaven. Lee has a glorified body with no leukemia...and no need for blood transfusions every 7 days. He has no more internal bleeding or swelling. No more heavy breathing, and no more pain every time he moves a muscle. He's found rest for his weary soul.
Lee Allen Holman was a Godly man. He went to church every Sunday since 1958 when he got saved and joined the church. I would ask him what he learned at church many times and he would ask me the same. We never got too deeply theological which is a nice break when you go to Bible College and get sick of having debates all the time. I just knew that he was a Christian and that was all that mattered.
To be honest with you, I honestly haven't grieved one bit. In my mind he's still here, and telling jokes, making fun of me, or doing some sort of teasing. I'm gonna miss it, but I like to remember him that way. I don't like to think of him as dying in the hospital with cancer....I just don't. I barely cried at the funeral, and I only shed a few tears as I'm writing this. This is hitting my family a lot harder than it is me, and I'm not sure why. Somebody today in class defined me as a "late griever". That's probably why, but I'm really not looking forward to this whole grieving process at all. I'd rather be a "never griever". Maybe. Maybe not. Anyway, all I know is that I want to leave behind the legacy that Lee did.
We were at his visitation for more than 3 hours grieving with people. See, Lee knew everyone from neighboring cities, and they knew him. He knew everyone in Morrisville and went to all the sports games there, year-round. All the coaches and softball team showed up at the visitation to represent. My grandparents even had their own seats with their names engraved on them in the gym at my high school. They were deeply loved and cherished by all. Lee made lots of friends at church and everywhere he went. I'm certain that that little town country church has never held so many people at one time than it did the day of his funeral. He was a stunning, genuine, and loving man.
I loved everything the young preacher had to say about him. He even preached Christ's second coming because he knew Lee would have wanted that! We sang his favorite songs, "What a Day", "How Great Thou Art", and "Amazing Grace". I wish I could have sang and played guitar, but I'm sort of glad I didn't. I felt unworthy. Maybe I could have written a eulogy? Nah. Chances are, the people who came to the funeral already knew exactly what sort of man Lee was...and I couldn't have told them any more.
So...this is my memoir. I figured I should get it out while it's stuck in my brain, rather than pushing it to the back and just trying to get over it. So, if you've read this entire thing...thanks, but I'm not finished. I have a few more things to say about death...
Death. It's the only thing permanent. It's also the only thing worth living for. We can't have life without death. Death is going to happen to everyone. The Word says that one day every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord and I believe that! If you're out there reading this and you do not have a PERSONAL relationship with Christ, I'm scared for you. Christ is coming very soon and you don't know if you will even wake up from your sleep tonight. My grandpa went peacefully but that's because he had the peace of Jesus in his heart. When you get to heaven God is going to recount every single on of your thoughts. The times you've questioned him. The times when going to church has crossed your mind. The times when your heart was racing so quickly and you knew you should have responded to that altar call. The times when you've been at funerals and wept over the death of others. There's so much uncertainty in not knowing things. If there's one thing we can stand firm in here on earth it's the peace and rest for our souls that Christ alone can offer. If this is you, I'm praying for you. You probably hate me saying that, but you're the one I'm writing this for.
With that being said, may you rest in peace, you weary souls..
A week ago exactly I would have been driving to the hospital to visit him.
Little did I know that would be the last time I would visit him before he passed.
I knew he was critical, but I didn't know how bad...and I didn't know what to expect.
After all, I'd never seen death staring me straight in the face before. Literally.
It's raining...which makes driving in the dark immediately 10x worse.. especially if the hospital is your destination. I didn't really want to go...I drove by it....a few times....never going inside. My phone was dying so I decided it was best for me to go home and get a charger because my parents were texting and calling on and off that whole time. I got home and my bed looked so very deeply tempting...but I knew I would be sleeping in the hospital overnight. It's what a good granddaughter would do, especially since last time my grandpa was in the hospital I didn't even know, and I thought he had gotten out when he really didn't.... 2 weeks later he was still there and nobody told me otherwise. I owed it to him to be there, especially during his last moments.
I get there and lots of people are visiting. He's pretty popular in all the small neighboring towns. Everybody knew him and everybody loved him. Everyone finally left around midnight and we could all finally sleep. Lee had already been asleep for awhile when I got to the hospital. My brother (Caleb), aunt (Deana), and grandma (Marilyn) were there when I got there. My brother and I slept on the cold hard floor, although, I'm not sure we really did much sleeping. The hospital light was bright, the floor was so hard and cold that I was shivering constantly. I knew I was in for a painful night..
Lee was asleep peacefully in his bed. His breathing was heavy, but I guess that comes with old age. He was hooked up to oxygen and Marilyn was sitting next to him. There was nothing we could do or say to each other to ease the mood of the environment. It was just uncomfortable...and it was going to be until we left. So, regardless of our lack of sleep, all 4 of us woke up around the same time. I remember checking 6:22 on my phone to tell the time. I sat up, folded my blanket, fixed my hair, put on my glasses...and waited. I knew it had to be soon because God woke us all up around the same time...to prepare.
At 6:53 Lee Allen Holman went to be with Jesus. We waited and could tell his breathing was slowly getting heavier, deeper, and drawn out. I watched feeling helpless and upset that there was nothing I could do. He was sleeping peacefully and I knew his divine appointment was approaching. He lived no longer than was scheduled, and left no earlier than he should have. God always has perfect timing...even in death.
As I watched him sleep and breath I could tell that it was getting more difficult for him. During the night he had yelled/moaned a few times and it freaked us all out. I've never experienced death before so I didn't really know what this was. Each time I thought it might have been his last. His open-mouth breathing got heavier and then he stretched his body out.....then went into sleep apnea a few times. My aunt gave my grandma his hand and she held it. My aunt wiped up the drool as his tongue began to show and the sleep apnea took over. He breathed....then stopped....then breathed again.....then stopped...for good. My aunt held him and lifted up his eyelids and then put them back down. With tears in her eyes she said, "It's ok. You can go be with Jesus. It's ok. You can go home now." And with that she checked for a pulse for a few more seconds until she gave us the nod that he was gone.
This was a deeply sad day in my heart, and in my family's heart, but I watched my grandfather pass away with Jesus in his heart. There's no better feeling than that. He had a divine appointment with Jesus, and at times I'm often jealous of that. He's way ahead of me in life, and he's at peace and rest.
There's no pain in heaven. Lee has a glorified body with no leukemia...and no need for blood transfusions every 7 days. He has no more internal bleeding or swelling. No more heavy breathing, and no more pain every time he moves a muscle. He's found rest for his weary soul.
Lee Allen Holman was a Godly man. He went to church every Sunday since 1958 when he got saved and joined the church. I would ask him what he learned at church many times and he would ask me the same. We never got too deeply theological which is a nice break when you go to Bible College and get sick of having debates all the time. I just knew that he was a Christian and that was all that mattered.
To be honest with you, I honestly haven't grieved one bit. In my mind he's still here, and telling jokes, making fun of me, or doing some sort of teasing. I'm gonna miss it, but I like to remember him that way. I don't like to think of him as dying in the hospital with cancer....I just don't. I barely cried at the funeral, and I only shed a few tears as I'm writing this. This is hitting my family a lot harder than it is me, and I'm not sure why. Somebody today in class defined me as a "late griever". That's probably why, but I'm really not looking forward to this whole grieving process at all. I'd rather be a "never griever". Maybe. Maybe not. Anyway, all I know is that I want to leave behind the legacy that Lee did.
We were at his visitation for more than 3 hours grieving with people. See, Lee knew everyone from neighboring cities, and they knew him. He knew everyone in Morrisville and went to all the sports games there, year-round. All the coaches and softball team showed up at the visitation to represent. My grandparents even had their own seats with their names engraved on them in the gym at my high school. They were deeply loved and cherished by all. Lee made lots of friends at church and everywhere he went. I'm certain that that little town country church has never held so many people at one time than it did the day of his funeral. He was a stunning, genuine, and loving man.
I loved everything the young preacher had to say about him. He even preached Christ's second coming because he knew Lee would have wanted that! We sang his favorite songs, "What a Day", "How Great Thou Art", and "Amazing Grace". I wish I could have sang and played guitar, but I'm sort of glad I didn't. I felt unworthy. Maybe I could have written a eulogy? Nah. Chances are, the people who came to the funeral already knew exactly what sort of man Lee was...and I couldn't have told them any more.
So...this is my memoir. I figured I should get it out while it's stuck in my brain, rather than pushing it to the back and just trying to get over it. So, if you've read this entire thing...thanks, but I'm not finished. I have a few more things to say about death...
Death. It's the only thing permanent. It's also the only thing worth living for. We can't have life without death. Death is going to happen to everyone. The Word says that one day every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord and I believe that! If you're out there reading this and you do not have a PERSONAL relationship with Christ, I'm scared for you. Christ is coming very soon and you don't know if you will even wake up from your sleep tonight. My grandpa went peacefully but that's because he had the peace of Jesus in his heart. When you get to heaven God is going to recount every single on of your thoughts. The times you've questioned him. The times when going to church has crossed your mind. The times when your heart was racing so quickly and you knew you should have responded to that altar call. The times when you've been at funerals and wept over the death of others. There's so much uncertainty in not knowing things. If there's one thing we can stand firm in here on earth it's the peace and rest for our souls that Christ alone can offer. If this is you, I'm praying for you. You probably hate me saying that, but you're the one I'm writing this for.
With that being said, may you rest in peace, you weary souls..
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