If you were to tell me where I would be in life right now 5 years ago....I'd say you were CRAZY.
#1. Five years ago I was in church but still didn't have that deep relationship with Christ that I have now.
#2. Five years ago I graduated high school (in May it will be 5)
So...as I was graduating my plan was to go to community college and study Spanish to be a Spanish translator... and, this may still happen one day because I do feel called to a Spanish speaking country for short term missions. Not sure where, or when. But maybe someday.
I never would have expected that I'd end up at Bible College.
I never anticipated seeking credentialing... I'll be a Reverend one day. Surreal, but the coolest thing I've ever done!
I never expected that I'd try out for the school preaching team, Catalyst.....and be the only exclusive girl preacher! That's a first for the team, and a first for a female Catalyst preacher to preach in senior chapel.
I NEVER thought I would have the courage to do Senior Chapel, but last year (my second year at CBC) I knew God wanted me to do it. I've waited a year for this thing! Nov. 29th!!
I never thought I'd grow up to be a preacher. I hated public speaking, and I'm still learning to be confident up there!
Oh, and I never thought I would have had all the cool jobs and coworkers that I do have.
It's amazing what God can do through relationships!
Through relationships, and God's providence, I ended up at Bible College...on the preaching team....and accomplishing all of these things I never would have had in store for myself.
Man. All this is to say, that God gets the glory for everything!! That I had absolutely no part in this, because if I did, I'd be doing something entirely different.
I'm just really excited to see where God is leading me.
There hasn't been many times in my life when I feel like I'm doing everything right.... most of the time I think I'm doing everything wrong, but I'm learning how faithful God is. I feel like right now I'm going deeper with God than I ever have. I feel like He's preparing me for a powerful ministry coming up, and I want to be in His will now more than ever! I don't want to get this wrong..
I feel like God's preparing me for so many things greater than myself... and He's yet to reveal those to me.
Will I get my Master's at Evangel?
Will I get my Substitute Teacher Certificate?
Where will I work, and who will I live with?
Is my future husband anywhere in this? And if not, is God calling me to be a single female in ministry?
I'm just so excited about life, and I really could care less and less about trivial things.
Maybe I'm just education and career minded? Oh well....because it feels great.
Is doing music anywhere in my future?
Will I be a pastor anywhere, or am I called to be bi-vocational in a secular environment?
God will have His way. And His way is better than mine... so I'm perfectly fine with it.
Paul says to be content in every situation, and I think I'm finally understanding what that means.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Being Spiritually Awake to the Unawakened Spirituals.
Let me just preface this blog before you read it..
It isn't nice.
It isn't theological.
It's me venting... so you'll just have to accept that.
I'm probably not right by what I say.
I'm probably speaking out of emotion, but sometimes that's okay.
So...I have to go into work at 7am today. I wake up and as soon as I step outside my door I find a packet of papers called, "No Christian Left Behind." Pretty motivational....but I think these papers ended up at the wrong apartment. I thought about sliding them over to my neighbors door, but then I decided that I really want to read them.....and I haven't yet, so I'll have to update you about that later.
Anyway, I was really thinking about God on my way to work this morning. I was thinking that the roads are nice and empty, it's dark and cold, and I don't have an ice scraper when I really needed one, which almost made me late.... yet, there's a peace that swept over me. Listening to worship on the way in just made it that much better. God knows I needed it to prepare myself for something else later.
There's this girl I work with.... I definitely don't like her, which makes me thankful that Christ said you never had to "love" them, but you had to "show" love to them. Well it's really difficult with her.
I walk up to the store before it even opens and I overhear her talking to my boss about her night...
She was talking about how tired she was and she even had a Starbucks in hand to prove it.
Her, "So, I left the bar last night....and I called him, but I didn't think he was going to pick up....but then he did. And then I went over there....and then I left at 5am to go home, take a shower, then get back to work."
Now, you have to understand this girl. She brags about EVERYTHING. Yep, even booty calls. It just makes me really sad because she talks about this "guy she's dating" when really they probably just sleep together, and you can label me as a judgmental, bad Christian, I really don't care, but this is the kinda stuff I hear her talking about ALL THE TIME.
She continually complains about being tired for the next 3, 4 hours we're at work. And then...I decided to speak up. She complained again....and I said, "Hum.. I feel pretty good today." My boss goes, "Yeah. Me too. I'm a morning person though." That was all it took for her to say, "Well....this week has been busy... I had to go here at so and so time. Then I had to be here..." At this point I just blocked her out. Her voice annoys me. The things she does annoys me. Her work "ethic", if you want to call it that, annoys me.
EVERYTHING ABOUT HER ANNOYS ME.
I know, you're probably thinking, "Dang. Sarah is....(fill in the blank), and you'd be right.
I'm just not sure how to handle her. I'm struggling to find compassion for her "tiredness" at work when really it's just from her drinking too much, and having sex all night with her "boyfriend" she found on the internet. (This is a whole 'nother story in itself...). REALLY. You expect me to have compassion for how sleepy she is at work from not going to sleep the night before?? NO.
I'm just really proud of myself for calling her out on it. She was bragging about all the "exams" and "tests" she's had to take....and granted, I'm sure it was a lot of hard work. 3 Praxis tests, she's a proctor for the ACT, she's taken the SAT, MCAT....blah, blah, blah. I get it. You're "successful". But what I DON'T find successful is willingly calling a guy for a booty call because you feel so bad about yourself and your lack on self-confidence that HE is the only thing that will fix that. I also don't find it very successful that you're an irresponsible drinker...and that you THRIVE on telling the "great" stories of it the next day.
I really just find you sort of lame.
And then...God convicted me of my lack of compassion for you. Lucky, you.
On the way home I just kept thinking....."I just really don't like her. Her personality clashes with mine. She brags about everything..." At one point in our conversation I interrupted her and rudely said that I had taken the credentialing exam and will soon be a Reverend. I know, how prideful of me right? I just really wanted her to shut up, to be honest. Granted, I could have picked ANYTHING that wasn't spiritual, but I decided to be spiritual...and show her how spiritual I was. Terrible decision? Probably. I feel bad for doing it, but at that moment I was ignorant to her unawakened spirit....which leads me to say this.
I want to write a book called, "Being Spiritually Awake to the Unawakened Spirituals."
On the way home, under my conviction, I felt bad and the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, "Have compassion." However, I feel like there's a difference in having compassion on someONE and on the amount of tiredness they show because of their bad decisions. I have no compassion on the bad consequences that come with making bad decisions.
I'll say it.
I'm glad she was miserable from drinking and such because maybe it will help her wake up and realize the world around her.....and that the world, in fact, doesn't revolve around HER.
Really, I don't have to work harder to make up for your lack of work ethic because of your decisions. And, I refuse to anyway.
Then again....this idea of compassion comes back to haunt me.
2 things I'm struggling with:
1. Finding the fine line between compassion and pity.
2. Simply just pitying people.
I know, you're gonna think I'm terrible, but I really just have to say it because maybe one of you out there can help me.
I want to have compassion for her, and on those others out there that I will soon face one day.
Yet, part of me wants to pity her and find her dire life situation just really sad, and walk away.
Back to my book idea.... I also felt convicted that although I am spiritually awakened and others are not, we are the same. God loves me just as much as he loves her, and at times I want to throw a temper tantrum and think it isn't fair. Granted, one day I'll be judged just as much as they will be, but at least I am ready for it. The compassion comes in here....because they are not ready for this judgment that is to come.
And then something flashed before my eyes.
The politics are getting out of control.
Even simple "faith" or "religion" conversations in the workplace can be a mild form of persecution.
....but the worst is yet to come.
The world is going to get FAR worse before the rapture happens, I think.
People are gonna have to choose one side or the other. And it really is a constant battle.
We are at war for our souls...and only the spiritually awakened realize it.
Just prepare yourselves....because things are gonna get nasty in the end times.
They already are.
I was texting my friend about this and he told me to remember 2 things.
1. People aren't the things they did yesterday, but they are their beliefs today.
2. People want to feel important.
And to this I have to say that 1: We all HAVE sinned and fall short of God's glory, but some boast about their shortcomings and I will never understand why. It's like the things in #1, the things they do/did ARE indeed the things that make them feel important, #2.
So really, all this to say, I need to learn the difference between compassion and pity.
I need to be "Spiritually Awake to the Unawakened Spirituals".
There are people out there who need Christ. And from now on I'm determined to find boldness so I can unashamedly preach the Gospel.
Oh, and on the way home I see her get in her car and start smoking a cigarette. I really wanted to snub my head at her, and then I just though, "it's really sad that people turn to cigarettes, booty calls, and drinking too much to make them feel important."
We must learn to be spiritually awake to the unawakened spiritual people out there, because other than the fact that we are spiritually awake and they aren't...........we're the exact same.
It isn't nice.
It isn't theological.
It's me venting... so you'll just have to accept that.
I'm probably not right by what I say.
I'm probably speaking out of emotion, but sometimes that's okay.
So...I have to go into work at 7am today. I wake up and as soon as I step outside my door I find a packet of papers called, "No Christian Left Behind." Pretty motivational....but I think these papers ended up at the wrong apartment. I thought about sliding them over to my neighbors door, but then I decided that I really want to read them.....and I haven't yet, so I'll have to update you about that later.
Anyway, I was really thinking about God on my way to work this morning. I was thinking that the roads are nice and empty, it's dark and cold, and I don't have an ice scraper when I really needed one, which almost made me late.... yet, there's a peace that swept over me. Listening to worship on the way in just made it that much better. God knows I needed it to prepare myself for something else later.
There's this girl I work with.... I definitely don't like her, which makes me thankful that Christ said you never had to "love" them, but you had to "show" love to them. Well it's really difficult with her.
I walk up to the store before it even opens and I overhear her talking to my boss about her night...
She was talking about how tired she was and she even had a Starbucks in hand to prove it.
Her, "So, I left the bar last night....and I called him, but I didn't think he was going to pick up....but then he did. And then I went over there....and then I left at 5am to go home, take a shower, then get back to work."
Now, you have to understand this girl. She brags about EVERYTHING. Yep, even booty calls. It just makes me really sad because she talks about this "guy she's dating" when really they probably just sleep together, and you can label me as a judgmental, bad Christian, I really don't care, but this is the kinda stuff I hear her talking about ALL THE TIME.
She continually complains about being tired for the next 3, 4 hours we're at work. And then...I decided to speak up. She complained again....and I said, "Hum.. I feel pretty good today." My boss goes, "Yeah. Me too. I'm a morning person though." That was all it took for her to say, "Well....this week has been busy... I had to go here at so and so time. Then I had to be here..." At this point I just blocked her out. Her voice annoys me. The things she does annoys me. Her work "ethic", if you want to call it that, annoys me.
EVERYTHING ABOUT HER ANNOYS ME.
I know, you're probably thinking, "Dang. Sarah is....(fill in the blank), and you'd be right.
I'm just not sure how to handle her. I'm struggling to find compassion for her "tiredness" at work when really it's just from her drinking too much, and having sex all night with her "boyfriend" she found on the internet. (This is a whole 'nother story in itself...). REALLY. You expect me to have compassion for how sleepy she is at work from not going to sleep the night before?? NO.
I'm just really proud of myself for calling her out on it. She was bragging about all the "exams" and "tests" she's had to take....and granted, I'm sure it was a lot of hard work. 3 Praxis tests, she's a proctor for the ACT, she's taken the SAT, MCAT....blah, blah, blah. I get it. You're "successful". But what I DON'T find successful is willingly calling a guy for a booty call because you feel so bad about yourself and your lack on self-confidence that HE is the only thing that will fix that. I also don't find it very successful that you're an irresponsible drinker...and that you THRIVE on telling the "great" stories of it the next day.
I really just find you sort of lame.
And then...God convicted me of my lack of compassion for you. Lucky, you.
On the way home I just kept thinking....."I just really don't like her. Her personality clashes with mine. She brags about everything..." At one point in our conversation I interrupted her and rudely said that I had taken the credentialing exam and will soon be a Reverend. I know, how prideful of me right? I just really wanted her to shut up, to be honest. Granted, I could have picked ANYTHING that wasn't spiritual, but I decided to be spiritual...and show her how spiritual I was. Terrible decision? Probably. I feel bad for doing it, but at that moment I was ignorant to her unawakened spirit....which leads me to say this.
I want to write a book called, "Being Spiritually Awake to the Unawakened Spirituals."
On the way home, under my conviction, I felt bad and the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, "Have compassion." However, I feel like there's a difference in having compassion on someONE and on the amount of tiredness they show because of their bad decisions. I have no compassion on the bad consequences that come with making bad decisions.
I'll say it.
I'm glad she was miserable from drinking and such because maybe it will help her wake up and realize the world around her.....and that the world, in fact, doesn't revolve around HER.
Really, I don't have to work harder to make up for your lack of work ethic because of your decisions. And, I refuse to anyway.
Then again....this idea of compassion comes back to haunt me.
2 things I'm struggling with:
1. Finding the fine line between compassion and pity.
2. Simply just pitying people.
I know, you're gonna think I'm terrible, but I really just have to say it because maybe one of you out there can help me.
I want to have compassion for her, and on those others out there that I will soon face one day.
Yet, part of me wants to pity her and find her dire life situation just really sad, and walk away.
Back to my book idea.... I also felt convicted that although I am spiritually awakened and others are not, we are the same. God loves me just as much as he loves her, and at times I want to throw a temper tantrum and think it isn't fair. Granted, one day I'll be judged just as much as they will be, but at least I am ready for it. The compassion comes in here....because they are not ready for this judgment that is to come.
And then something flashed before my eyes.
The politics are getting out of control.
Even simple "faith" or "religion" conversations in the workplace can be a mild form of persecution.
....but the worst is yet to come.
The world is going to get FAR worse before the rapture happens, I think.
People are gonna have to choose one side or the other. And it really is a constant battle.
We are at war for our souls...and only the spiritually awakened realize it.
Just prepare yourselves....because things are gonna get nasty in the end times.
They already are.
I was texting my friend about this and he told me to remember 2 things.
1. People aren't the things they did yesterday, but they are their beliefs today.
2. People want to feel important.
And to this I have to say that 1: We all HAVE sinned and fall short of God's glory, but some boast about their shortcomings and I will never understand why. It's like the things in #1, the things they do/did ARE indeed the things that make them feel important, #2.
So really, all this to say, I need to learn the difference between compassion and pity.
I need to be "Spiritually Awake to the Unawakened Spirituals".
There are people out there who need Christ. And from now on I'm determined to find boldness so I can unashamedly preach the Gospel.
Oh, and on the way home I see her get in her car and start smoking a cigarette. I really wanted to snub my head at her, and then I just though, "it's really sad that people turn to cigarettes, booty calls, and drinking too much to make them feel important."
We must learn to be spiritually awake to the unawakened spiritual people out there, because other than the fact that we are spiritually awake and they aren't...........we're the exact same.
Monday, October 1, 2012
God, help me.
You know those people who just fall through the cracks of society?
The people who go through life unnoticed, and then you suddenly meet them one day and discover how awesome they are?
Like, you wish you would have became their friends years ago...
Because when you meet, you feel like you've already known them for ages?
Yeah. Sometimes I feel like that person.
I fear that I'll strive so hard and work towards my career...and forget to have fun.
Forget to work on me.
Forget what the "real world" looks like because I'm just cooped up in my room studying all day.
I never go out anymore.
I never hang out with friends, except when it's convenient.
And...I've honestly let all my friendships go down the drain.
However, some of them were too dramatic and I'm glad I weeded them out..
I feel like I may be slipping through the cracks..
Granted, I enjoy having my life on the "DL", down low, but I wish guys would notice me.
I have no issues talking to them and being friends with them.
But that's where it ends... and you remain stuck in the "friend zone" for the rest of your life.
Or so it seems.
I'm not complaining that I'll never get married.
Sometimes I pride myself on how successful I know I can be...
Yet, other times I wish I had someone to share it with besides Jesus.
Then again, Paul says to be content in every situation.
If I'm being truthful, I'm getting discouraged that I can't find a job that will give me more hours.
I love the Land's End, but I wish they'd give me more hours. 4, 6, 10 hours is not enough to pay rent.
I'm worrying...getting anxious....I feel a form of depression setting in. Not to mention the fact that I haven't been able to afford my hormone balancing prescription....which means my emotions are wack.
I also spent $100 on my ministerial credentialing application instead of spending that money on food.
What was I thinking!? I don't know... but the whole job hunt makes you feel unqualified for anything.
I'm trying to see light at the end of the tunnel. This year will be over in 7 months.
May will be here soon enough, and then I can move onto something bigger and better...and hopefully more permanent.
Until then, I have 7 months to form and mold myself into the person I want to be.
The professional side of me that's dying to come out, but not yet confident enough.
UGH. I'm just discouraged... I really need a better job, with more hours...
I want to be able to afford good food again.
Somehow I haven't had food, yet I haven't gone hungry.
There's always food available that someone's provided in some sort of capacity.
I just want my parents back.
I want to live in my old house.
And have the love and care that I need.
I feel like I'm dying on my own..
I'm starting to think that I can't take care of myself.
I just thought God gave me this job...and at times I've thought about going back to work at old jobs.
I walk in the door....and I have this sudden hatred swarm over me...I can't go back..
I want something new, something good, something along the lines of my future career, something that pays the bills.
I made rent this month, but I fear my paycheck this week will only be about $30.
I got in a few hours doing receipts for a missionary I know...
I just can't survive much longer like this.
God is a provider.
I just feel like He isn't taking good care of me at the moment.
Then again, I feel like all of this is my fault..
And I can't blame my work for not having more hours to give out..
I'm so bitter and angry.
I always get excited about something, starting something new, meeting someone new, and then everything just turns out to be a letdown.
God, help me.
I'm falling through the cracks of society.
The people who go through life unnoticed, and then you suddenly meet them one day and discover how awesome they are?
Like, you wish you would have became their friends years ago...
Because when you meet, you feel like you've already known them for ages?
Yeah. Sometimes I feel like that person.
I fear that I'll strive so hard and work towards my career...and forget to have fun.
Forget to work on me.
Forget what the "real world" looks like because I'm just cooped up in my room studying all day.
I never go out anymore.
I never hang out with friends, except when it's convenient.
And...I've honestly let all my friendships go down the drain.
However, some of them were too dramatic and I'm glad I weeded them out..
I feel like I may be slipping through the cracks..
Granted, I enjoy having my life on the "DL", down low, but I wish guys would notice me.
I have no issues talking to them and being friends with them.
But that's where it ends... and you remain stuck in the "friend zone" for the rest of your life.
Or so it seems.
I'm not complaining that I'll never get married.
Sometimes I pride myself on how successful I know I can be...
Yet, other times I wish I had someone to share it with besides Jesus.
Then again, Paul says to be content in every situation.
If I'm being truthful, I'm getting discouraged that I can't find a job that will give me more hours.
I love the Land's End, but I wish they'd give me more hours. 4, 6, 10 hours is not enough to pay rent.
I'm worrying...getting anxious....I feel a form of depression setting in. Not to mention the fact that I haven't been able to afford my hormone balancing prescription....which means my emotions are wack.
I also spent $100 on my ministerial credentialing application instead of spending that money on food.
What was I thinking!? I don't know... but the whole job hunt makes you feel unqualified for anything.
I'm trying to see light at the end of the tunnel. This year will be over in 7 months.
May will be here soon enough, and then I can move onto something bigger and better...and hopefully more permanent.
Until then, I have 7 months to form and mold myself into the person I want to be.
The professional side of me that's dying to come out, but not yet confident enough.
UGH. I'm just discouraged... I really need a better job, with more hours...
I want to be able to afford good food again.
Somehow I haven't had food, yet I haven't gone hungry.
There's always food available that someone's provided in some sort of capacity.
I just want my parents back.
I want to live in my old house.
And have the love and care that I need.
I feel like I'm dying on my own..
I'm starting to think that I can't take care of myself.
I just thought God gave me this job...and at times I've thought about going back to work at old jobs.
I walk in the door....and I have this sudden hatred swarm over me...I can't go back..
I want something new, something good, something along the lines of my future career, something that pays the bills.
I made rent this month, but I fear my paycheck this week will only be about $30.
I got in a few hours doing receipts for a missionary I know...
I just can't survive much longer like this.
God is a provider.
I just feel like He isn't taking good care of me at the moment.
Then again, I feel like all of this is my fault..
And I can't blame my work for not having more hours to give out..
I'm so bitter and angry.
I always get excited about something, starting something new, meeting someone new, and then everything just turns out to be a letdown.
God, help me.
I'm falling through the cracks of society.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Torn.
My mind is telling me no.....
But my body is telling me yes.
Can't control these thoughts in my head.
Reminiscing about the past.
We used to have it all.
I was fun, free, and happy to be.
You fell away....we grew apart.
Dropped off the face of the earth.
You said you'd never leave.
I said I'd never let you go.
Times have shown...
Just how much we didn't know.
Young and naive..
If only I could go back.
I would have done things differently.
I would have never let you slip away.
I would have been the first.
I'm torn.
I know this is wrong...
There's so much at stake.
My future...my career.
This isn't the path to take.
My life could end before it even begins.
I know you're not the best for me..
But my heart can't take "No" for an answer.
I'm fighting my body....the sinful flesh.
I have to let you go..
Everyone knows..
This isn't how it's supposed to happen.
I want to do things right..
I must wait..
But my body is telling me yes.
Can't control these thoughts in my head.
Reminiscing about the past.
We used to have it all.
I was fun, free, and happy to be.
You fell away....we grew apart.
Dropped off the face of the earth.
You said you'd never leave.
I said I'd never let you go.
Times have shown...
Just how much we didn't know.
Young and naive..
If only I could go back.
I would have done things differently.
I would have never let you slip away.
I would have been the first.
I'm torn.
I know this is wrong...
There's so much at stake.
My future...my career.
This isn't the path to take.
My life could end before it even begins.
I know you're not the best for me..
But my heart can't take "No" for an answer.
I'm fighting my body....the sinful flesh.
I have to let you go..
Everyone knows..
This isn't how it's supposed to happen.
I want to do things right..
I must wait..
Saturday, September 22, 2012
James Morrison- I Won't Let You Go
"I Won't Let You Go"
When it's black
Take a little time to hold yourself
Take a little time to feel around before it's gone
You won't let go but you still keep on falling down
Remember how you save me now from all of my wrongs
Yeah
If there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
Say those words
Say those words like there's nothing else
Close your eyes and you might believe
That there is some way out
Yeah
Open up
Open up your heart to me now
Let it all come pouring out
There's nothing I can't take
And if there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
If your sky is falling
Just take my hand and hold it
You don't have to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
And if you feel the fading of the light
And you're too weak to carry on the fight
And all your friends that you count on have disappeared
I'll be here not gone, forever holding on
If there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
If your sky is falling
Just take my hand and hold it
You don't have to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
I won't let you go
I won't let
I won't let you go
No, I won't let
I won't let you go
I won't let you go
Take a little time to hold yourself
Take a little time to feel around before it's gone
You won't let go but you still keep on falling down
Remember how you save me now from all of my wrongs
Yeah
If there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
Say those words
Say those words like there's nothing else
Close your eyes and you might believe
That there is some way out
Yeah
Open up
Open up your heart to me now
Let it all come pouring out
There's nothing I can't take
And if there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
If your sky is falling
Just take my hand and hold it
You don't have to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
And if you feel the fading of the light
And you're too weak to carry on the fight
And all your friends that you count on have disappeared
I'll be here not gone, forever holding on
If there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
If your sky is falling
Just take my hand and hold it
You don't have to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
I won't let you go
I won't let
I won't let you go
No, I won't let
I won't let you go
I won't let you go
Friday, September 7, 2012
Rest in Peace, You Weary Souls..
So...my grandfather passed away last week.
A week ago exactly I would have been driving to the hospital to visit him.
Little did I know that would be the last time I would visit him before he passed.
I knew he was critical, but I didn't know how bad...and I didn't know what to expect.
After all, I'd never seen death staring me straight in the face before. Literally.
It's raining...which makes driving in the dark immediately 10x worse.. especially if the hospital is your destination. I didn't really want to go...I drove by it....a few times....never going inside. My phone was dying so I decided it was best for me to go home and get a charger because my parents were texting and calling on and off that whole time. I got home and my bed looked so very deeply tempting...but I knew I would be sleeping in the hospital overnight. It's what a good granddaughter would do, especially since last time my grandpa was in the hospital I didn't even know, and I thought he had gotten out when he really didn't.... 2 weeks later he was still there and nobody told me otherwise. I owed it to him to be there, especially during his last moments.
I get there and lots of people are visiting. He's pretty popular in all the small neighboring towns. Everybody knew him and everybody loved him. Everyone finally left around midnight and we could all finally sleep. Lee had already been asleep for awhile when I got to the hospital. My brother (Caleb), aunt (Deana), and grandma (Marilyn) were there when I got there. My brother and I slept on the cold hard floor, although, I'm not sure we really did much sleeping. The hospital light was bright, the floor was so hard and cold that I was shivering constantly. I knew I was in for a painful night..
Lee was asleep peacefully in his bed. His breathing was heavy, but I guess that comes with old age. He was hooked up to oxygen and Marilyn was sitting next to him. There was nothing we could do or say to each other to ease the mood of the environment. It was just uncomfortable...and it was going to be until we left. So, regardless of our lack of sleep, all 4 of us woke up around the same time. I remember checking 6:22 on my phone to tell the time. I sat up, folded my blanket, fixed my hair, put on my glasses...and waited. I knew it had to be soon because God woke us all up around the same time...to prepare.
At 6:53 Lee Allen Holman went to be with Jesus. We waited and could tell his breathing was slowly getting heavier, deeper, and drawn out. I watched feeling helpless and upset that there was nothing I could do. He was sleeping peacefully and I knew his divine appointment was approaching. He lived no longer than was scheduled, and left no earlier than he should have. God always has perfect timing...even in death.
As I watched him sleep and breath I could tell that it was getting more difficult for him. During the night he had yelled/moaned a few times and it freaked us all out. I've never experienced death before so I didn't really know what this was. Each time I thought it might have been his last. His open-mouth breathing got heavier and then he stretched his body out.....then went into sleep apnea a few times. My aunt gave my grandma his hand and she held it. My aunt wiped up the drool as his tongue began to show and the sleep apnea took over. He breathed....then stopped....then breathed again.....then stopped...for good. My aunt held him and lifted up his eyelids and then put them back down. With tears in her eyes she said, "It's ok. You can go be with Jesus. It's ok. You can go home now." And with that she checked for a pulse for a few more seconds until she gave us the nod that he was gone.
This was a deeply sad day in my heart, and in my family's heart, but I watched my grandfather pass away with Jesus in his heart. There's no better feeling than that. He had a divine appointment with Jesus, and at times I'm often jealous of that. He's way ahead of me in life, and he's at peace and rest.
There's no pain in heaven. Lee has a glorified body with no leukemia...and no need for blood transfusions every 7 days. He has no more internal bleeding or swelling. No more heavy breathing, and no more pain every time he moves a muscle. He's found rest for his weary soul.
Lee Allen Holman was a Godly man. He went to church every Sunday since 1958 when he got saved and joined the church. I would ask him what he learned at church many times and he would ask me the same. We never got too deeply theological which is a nice break when you go to Bible College and get sick of having debates all the time. I just knew that he was a Christian and that was all that mattered.
To be honest with you, I honestly haven't grieved one bit. In my mind he's still here, and telling jokes, making fun of me, or doing some sort of teasing. I'm gonna miss it, but I like to remember him that way. I don't like to think of him as dying in the hospital with cancer....I just don't. I barely cried at the funeral, and I only shed a few tears as I'm writing this. This is hitting my family a lot harder than it is me, and I'm not sure why. Somebody today in class defined me as a "late griever". That's probably why, but I'm really not looking forward to this whole grieving process at all. I'd rather be a "never griever". Maybe. Maybe not. Anyway, all I know is that I want to leave behind the legacy that Lee did.
We were at his visitation for more than 3 hours grieving with people. See, Lee knew everyone from neighboring cities, and they knew him. He knew everyone in Morrisville and went to all the sports games there, year-round. All the coaches and softball team showed up at the visitation to represent. My grandparents even had their own seats with their names engraved on them in the gym at my high school. They were deeply loved and cherished by all. Lee made lots of friends at church and everywhere he went. I'm certain that that little town country church has never held so many people at one time than it did the day of his funeral. He was a stunning, genuine, and loving man.
I loved everything the young preacher had to say about him. He even preached Christ's second coming because he knew Lee would have wanted that! We sang his favorite songs, "What a Day", "How Great Thou Art", and "Amazing Grace". I wish I could have sang and played guitar, but I'm sort of glad I didn't. I felt unworthy. Maybe I could have written a eulogy? Nah. Chances are, the people who came to the funeral already knew exactly what sort of man Lee was...and I couldn't have told them any more.
So...this is my memoir. I figured I should get it out while it's stuck in my brain, rather than pushing it to the back and just trying to get over it. So, if you've read this entire thing...thanks, but I'm not finished. I have a few more things to say about death...
Death. It's the only thing permanent. It's also the only thing worth living for. We can't have life without death. Death is going to happen to everyone. The Word says that one day every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord and I believe that! If you're out there reading this and you do not have a PERSONAL relationship with Christ, I'm scared for you. Christ is coming very soon and you don't know if you will even wake up from your sleep tonight. My grandpa went peacefully but that's because he had the peace of Jesus in his heart. When you get to heaven God is going to recount every single on of your thoughts. The times you've questioned him. The times when going to church has crossed your mind. The times when your heart was racing so quickly and you knew you should have responded to that altar call. The times when you've been at funerals and wept over the death of others. There's so much uncertainty in not knowing things. If there's one thing we can stand firm in here on earth it's the peace and rest for our souls that Christ alone can offer. If this is you, I'm praying for you. You probably hate me saying that, but you're the one I'm writing this for.
With that being said, may you rest in peace, you weary souls..
A week ago exactly I would have been driving to the hospital to visit him.
Little did I know that would be the last time I would visit him before he passed.
I knew he was critical, but I didn't know how bad...and I didn't know what to expect.
After all, I'd never seen death staring me straight in the face before. Literally.
It's raining...which makes driving in the dark immediately 10x worse.. especially if the hospital is your destination. I didn't really want to go...I drove by it....a few times....never going inside. My phone was dying so I decided it was best for me to go home and get a charger because my parents were texting and calling on and off that whole time. I got home and my bed looked so very deeply tempting...but I knew I would be sleeping in the hospital overnight. It's what a good granddaughter would do, especially since last time my grandpa was in the hospital I didn't even know, and I thought he had gotten out when he really didn't.... 2 weeks later he was still there and nobody told me otherwise. I owed it to him to be there, especially during his last moments.
I get there and lots of people are visiting. He's pretty popular in all the small neighboring towns. Everybody knew him and everybody loved him. Everyone finally left around midnight and we could all finally sleep. Lee had already been asleep for awhile when I got to the hospital. My brother (Caleb), aunt (Deana), and grandma (Marilyn) were there when I got there. My brother and I slept on the cold hard floor, although, I'm not sure we really did much sleeping. The hospital light was bright, the floor was so hard and cold that I was shivering constantly. I knew I was in for a painful night..
Lee was asleep peacefully in his bed. His breathing was heavy, but I guess that comes with old age. He was hooked up to oxygen and Marilyn was sitting next to him. There was nothing we could do or say to each other to ease the mood of the environment. It was just uncomfortable...and it was going to be until we left. So, regardless of our lack of sleep, all 4 of us woke up around the same time. I remember checking 6:22 on my phone to tell the time. I sat up, folded my blanket, fixed my hair, put on my glasses...and waited. I knew it had to be soon because God woke us all up around the same time...to prepare.
At 6:53 Lee Allen Holman went to be with Jesus. We waited and could tell his breathing was slowly getting heavier, deeper, and drawn out. I watched feeling helpless and upset that there was nothing I could do. He was sleeping peacefully and I knew his divine appointment was approaching. He lived no longer than was scheduled, and left no earlier than he should have. God always has perfect timing...even in death.
As I watched him sleep and breath I could tell that it was getting more difficult for him. During the night he had yelled/moaned a few times and it freaked us all out. I've never experienced death before so I didn't really know what this was. Each time I thought it might have been his last. His open-mouth breathing got heavier and then he stretched his body out.....then went into sleep apnea a few times. My aunt gave my grandma his hand and she held it. My aunt wiped up the drool as his tongue began to show and the sleep apnea took over. He breathed....then stopped....then breathed again.....then stopped...for good. My aunt held him and lifted up his eyelids and then put them back down. With tears in her eyes she said, "It's ok. You can go be with Jesus. It's ok. You can go home now." And with that she checked for a pulse for a few more seconds until she gave us the nod that he was gone.
This was a deeply sad day in my heart, and in my family's heart, but I watched my grandfather pass away with Jesus in his heart. There's no better feeling than that. He had a divine appointment with Jesus, and at times I'm often jealous of that. He's way ahead of me in life, and he's at peace and rest.
There's no pain in heaven. Lee has a glorified body with no leukemia...and no need for blood transfusions every 7 days. He has no more internal bleeding or swelling. No more heavy breathing, and no more pain every time he moves a muscle. He's found rest for his weary soul.
Lee Allen Holman was a Godly man. He went to church every Sunday since 1958 when he got saved and joined the church. I would ask him what he learned at church many times and he would ask me the same. We never got too deeply theological which is a nice break when you go to Bible College and get sick of having debates all the time. I just knew that he was a Christian and that was all that mattered.
To be honest with you, I honestly haven't grieved one bit. In my mind he's still here, and telling jokes, making fun of me, or doing some sort of teasing. I'm gonna miss it, but I like to remember him that way. I don't like to think of him as dying in the hospital with cancer....I just don't. I barely cried at the funeral, and I only shed a few tears as I'm writing this. This is hitting my family a lot harder than it is me, and I'm not sure why. Somebody today in class defined me as a "late griever". That's probably why, but I'm really not looking forward to this whole grieving process at all. I'd rather be a "never griever". Maybe. Maybe not. Anyway, all I know is that I want to leave behind the legacy that Lee did.
We were at his visitation for more than 3 hours grieving with people. See, Lee knew everyone from neighboring cities, and they knew him. He knew everyone in Morrisville and went to all the sports games there, year-round. All the coaches and softball team showed up at the visitation to represent. My grandparents even had their own seats with their names engraved on them in the gym at my high school. They were deeply loved and cherished by all. Lee made lots of friends at church and everywhere he went. I'm certain that that little town country church has never held so many people at one time than it did the day of his funeral. He was a stunning, genuine, and loving man.
I loved everything the young preacher had to say about him. He even preached Christ's second coming because he knew Lee would have wanted that! We sang his favorite songs, "What a Day", "How Great Thou Art", and "Amazing Grace". I wish I could have sang and played guitar, but I'm sort of glad I didn't. I felt unworthy. Maybe I could have written a eulogy? Nah. Chances are, the people who came to the funeral already knew exactly what sort of man Lee was...and I couldn't have told them any more.
So...this is my memoir. I figured I should get it out while it's stuck in my brain, rather than pushing it to the back and just trying to get over it. So, if you've read this entire thing...thanks, but I'm not finished. I have a few more things to say about death...
Death. It's the only thing permanent. It's also the only thing worth living for. We can't have life without death. Death is going to happen to everyone. The Word says that one day every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord and I believe that! If you're out there reading this and you do not have a PERSONAL relationship with Christ, I'm scared for you. Christ is coming very soon and you don't know if you will even wake up from your sleep tonight. My grandpa went peacefully but that's because he had the peace of Jesus in his heart. When you get to heaven God is going to recount every single on of your thoughts. The times you've questioned him. The times when going to church has crossed your mind. The times when your heart was racing so quickly and you knew you should have responded to that altar call. The times when you've been at funerals and wept over the death of others. There's so much uncertainty in not knowing things. If there's one thing we can stand firm in here on earth it's the peace and rest for our souls that Christ alone can offer. If this is you, I'm praying for you. You probably hate me saying that, but you're the one I'm writing this for.
With that being said, may you rest in peace, you weary souls..
Saturday, August 25, 2012
In Memory of..
So...yesterday was probably one of the saddest days in my life.
I'd definitely put it up there with one of the worst days of school, at least.
We had the memorial service for Roger Thomassen, my piano teacher, and friend.
It was very sad, but in the midst of the sadness the family was still worshiping God.
It began with the song, "Blessed Assurance" which is fitting because Roger always loved the hymns!
There were so many of his music students involved that it just warmed my heart.
I wish I could have been up there but then again I probably couldn't have handled it.
Brother Thomassen was always a man of God.
He never stopped working.
From watering the flowers around campus, to writing fabulous blogs about the poetry and music, to running 5K's, teaching classes, giving lessons, he was always busy doing something. Maybe his busyness just caught up with him? If that's the case, that's how I'd like to go out too....with a bang for Jesus.
He was always faithful to God, I just know it. You can tell when someone just radiates holiness. He was one of those. Faithful to the end, never giving up, always striving to do great things for God and never ceased.
The service was just overall great. Very sad, but very great. It gave me the closure I needed because I couldn't make it to the actual funeral (celebration of life) service. I had an eye exam that day, but one of my friends called me and told me how amazing it was. Definitely a celebration of a noble life. She said that one of my music professors read my Facebook post because it captured the essence of who Roger truly was. I felt such peace and comfort in my heart that day. I was really bummed that I couldn't be there, but I know that he knows I was there in spirit...especially since they picked my Facebook post. MINE! Numerous people were writing their condolences, memories, feelings....but they picked mine. I felt so special, honored, and I'm thankful that I felt led to write it that day. Yesterday they read my Facebook post again, but I was there to hear it! And I broke down.
Brother Thomassen,
I know you're reading this now...from a better perspective. If you're reading this I just really want to say that I'm sorry for dropping piano lessons. We could have had another semester together. Another semester I missed out on learning from your wisdom and hearing all of your amazing stories...but it's ok. I will pick piano back up again one day, I promise. And every time I play a song I will remember you.
For some reason I think you're still up in your office....just hiding out. Grading papers....composing a song...
I will miss just being able to go up there and have a chat with you. At this point I find myself trying to rack my brain and have all of our moments and memories flood back..
I remember one time in the cafe you told me that you had read my blog, and you enjoyed it. You told me to keep writing. I always loved reading your blogs too. If only you could read this one, but I know you probably are.
I won't have anyone to talk to about you know who... You gave him piano lessons as a kid, he used to go to CBC, and now he isn't serving God. I know your heart grieved when I told you that as much as mine still does.
Man...this is hard. I'm just gonna miss everything about you, but I know everything is better in heaven and we will see each other again one day. They probably have better pianos, bigger sheet music, better blogs interfaces, and way more flowers for you to water.
I wish I could be where you were, but my job here isn't done.
But when it is, we shall meet again.
Thanks for being my friend.
I learned a lot from you in such a short amount of time.
My Facebook post:
"I'm so sad to mourn the loss of Roger Thomassen. He was the first professor I met when I was pulling into CBC my first day to move into the dorms. He helped unload my stuff and we immediately started talking about music. I'll never forget the piano lessons I had with him for a year. He always encouraged me to see potential in myself that I didn't realize I had. My favorite lesson was when he got e
I'd definitely put it up there with one of the worst days of school, at least.
We had the memorial service for Roger Thomassen, my piano teacher, and friend.
It was very sad, but in the midst of the sadness the family was still worshiping God.
It began with the song, "Blessed Assurance" which is fitting because Roger always loved the hymns!
There were so many of his music students involved that it just warmed my heart.
I wish I could have been up there but then again I probably couldn't have handled it.
Brother Thomassen was always a man of God.
He never stopped working.
From watering the flowers around campus, to writing fabulous blogs about the poetry and music, to running 5K's, teaching classes, giving lessons, he was always busy doing something. Maybe his busyness just caught up with him? If that's the case, that's how I'd like to go out too....with a bang for Jesus.
He was always faithful to God, I just know it. You can tell when someone just radiates holiness. He was one of those. Faithful to the end, never giving up, always striving to do great things for God and never ceased.
The service was just overall great. Very sad, but very great. It gave me the closure I needed because I couldn't make it to the actual funeral (celebration of life) service. I had an eye exam that day, but one of my friends called me and told me how amazing it was. Definitely a celebration of a noble life. She said that one of my music professors read my Facebook post because it captured the essence of who Roger truly was. I felt such peace and comfort in my heart that day. I was really bummed that I couldn't be there, but I know that he knows I was there in spirit...especially since they picked my Facebook post. MINE! Numerous people were writing their condolences, memories, feelings....but they picked mine. I felt so special, honored, and I'm thankful that I felt led to write it that day. Yesterday they read my Facebook post again, but I was there to hear it! And I broke down.
Brother Thomassen,
I know you're reading this now...from a better perspective. If you're reading this I just really want to say that I'm sorry for dropping piano lessons. We could have had another semester together. Another semester I missed out on learning from your wisdom and hearing all of your amazing stories...but it's ok. I will pick piano back up again one day, I promise. And every time I play a song I will remember you.
For some reason I think you're still up in your office....just hiding out. Grading papers....composing a song...
I will miss just being able to go up there and have a chat with you. At this point I find myself trying to rack my brain and have all of our moments and memories flood back..
I remember one time in the cafe you told me that you had read my blog, and you enjoyed it. You told me to keep writing. I always loved reading your blogs too. If only you could read this one, but I know you probably are.
I won't have anyone to talk to about you know who... You gave him piano lessons as a kid, he used to go to CBC, and now he isn't serving God. I know your heart grieved when I told you that as much as mine still does.
Man...this is hard. I'm just gonna miss everything about you, but I know everything is better in heaven and we will see each other again one day. They probably have better pianos, bigger sheet music, better blogs interfaces, and way more flowers for you to water.
I wish I could be where you were, but my job here isn't done.
But when it is, we shall meet again.
Thanks for being my friend.
I learned a lot from you in such a short amount of time.
My Facebook post:
"I'm so sad to mourn the loss of Roger Thomassen. He was the first professor I met when I was pulling into CBC my first day to move into the dorms. He helped unload my stuff and we immediately started talking about music. I'll never forget the piano lessons I had with him for a year. He always encouraged me to see potential in myself that I didn't realize I had. My favorite lesson was when he got e
xcited
that I learned inversions faster than most of his other students. He
taught me to read sheet music with imagination and made practicing more
fun than work. I loved that he would always high-five me after each
lesson. He was definitely one of the coolest, funnest, wisest, and most
encouraging professors I've ever had. Part of my love for music was
because of his inspiration. You will be missed." - August 13, 2012.
Oh, and if this memorial service wasn't difficult enough, later in the day I found out that it was my preaching professor's last day..
He was the reason I changed my minor to preaching. He had such a powerful way of teaching and in one semester I loved it enough to add it as my minor. I remember talking to him after class about female preachers. He told me to take every opportunity I get to preach. Even if it's just being up on stage, youth, anything.
However the part that touched me the most was that he said he had chosen ministry over his wife and family before....and he's had to struggle through that. He's stubborn....and didn't want to leave CBC. He wanted to be here forever and he said the moment he graduated he knew he wanted to come back. He wanted to stay with us until the end...but the consolidation has changed that.
His wife had an interview in NY and they both went. They people at the school started talking to him too! He was adamant about turning them down because CBC was where he wanted to be. He said his wife had been gone for a week and a half and his daughter was here with him. At first I thought they were splitting up or something, but then he said his last day was today.
He said he made the absolute wrong decision in picking ministry over his family. He said family ALWAYS comes before ministry. He apologized for not making this decision sooner...it'd almost be better if he didn't come back this August...but I'm glad he did so everyone could say goodbye. Then, he asked if we had any questions and proceeded on with class. A pretty terrible transition but I guess there's no way it could have been any smoother. We prayed with him after class. I'm excited about what his future holds! Starting a Bible Institute will be amazing.
Anyway, I still feel the heaviness from yesterday. I think this last year at CBC is going to be rough, yet exciting. I love all of my classes, but the atmosphere is so different. Different in a good way, yet bittersweet way because I know this is the end.
The End.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
God Has a Plan in the Midst of Exile.
So...last night I got to preach at church.
...BIG church.
I was so nervous I thought I might throw up on stage....but luckily I didn't.
I'd say I did pretty good for being my first 20ish minute sermon and my first time on a big stage!
I preached, "God has a plan in the midst of exile." from Jeremiah 29:10-14.
I had known I was going to preach for the past month, but it wasn't until the week of Fine Arts that I knew what I was supposed to preach. Every evening that week I went back to my hotel and pushed play on my iPod. "I Will Search for You" by Israel & New Breed came on. I'd always loved this song, but this week it just rang so true and clear to me.
This message was even more so confirmed as I told a coworker what I was preaching about, and he said he had done that same verse for his sister's graduation video! And then my mentor emails me saying she prayed for me and signs the email with Jeremiah 29:11! And then my roommate just so happens to tell me she's reading a book by Eugene Peterson about the book of Jeremiah. WOW!
Sarah, you aren't searching for God enough. You've been so run down this whole summer with working a full-time job, having 2 online classes, and an internship I had to be faithful to. However, God had a plan in the midst of exile.
That was exactly my homiletical idea but I didn't know it until I began writing the sermon.
And this sermon took me a few days to write!! I started with the exegetical outline, homiletical outline, and then the sermon manuscript. For those of you not in Bible College, let me put it in layman's terms (hahahah! no offense, of course) I wrote out an outline of the verses, then an outline of the concepts/ideas I got from the verses, and then a word-for-word manuscript of what I wanted to say.
I'd actually only practiced preaching this sermon once on Monday night, once Tuesday night, and then a few times Wednesday before I had to give it. I've never been so scared of anything in my life, and to top it off I started getting a headache... Bad timing...but I took some aspirin and napped for an hour so it went away before it really began!
The purpose of my sermon was this, to let people know God has a plan a promise for their lives even when we feel like exiles. We've all been ostracized at some point in our lives before...whether it be missionaries in a foreign land, or a military person being deported... these are all extreme cases just like when the Israelites were exiled to Babylon. Nonetheless, we've all felt left out before, alone, meaningless, worthless. We've all questioned who we are at some point in our lives.
...when I got up on stage all my jitters disappeared after I prayed.
I was up on stage, like this is what I'm supposed to be doing the rest of my life, whether it be pastoring, or just being a motivational speaker...which has secretly always been a hidden desire of mine.
I'm so thankful I had great friends who came!
Thank you to Sarah, Beka, Heidi, Allie, Misty, Sophia, Kim, Breanne, Elyse and all who came. :)
It made that night really special and so much easier to preach in a loving environment!!
Everyone came up to me after service saying how great it was....how they didn't know I had such hidden talent. Someone even told me that he was going to say that I would make a great minister one day, but he said that I already was one. :) Pastor even joked about stealing my notes... hahaha!
But in all honesty, the sermon wasn't about me...it was about God and his plan. It wasn't about me being up on stage doing something fanciful for God. It wasn't me pointing out how spiritual I am. It was about me telling the people going through rough times that God has a plan even if they cannot see it in the midst of their sin, depression, anger, bitterness, etc. God is greater than the words I spoke, and I fumbled my words at times and could have used better illustrations..
The sermon itself wasn't great, but it was the lesson behind it that made it great.
I'm so thankful for my 3 months at this church. They even took up a love offering which meant a lot to me. Oh, and I got a cd of my sermon too! It's crazy when you're surrounded by an entire church that feels like family and wants to hug and kiss you ever week even if you haven't personally gotten to know them as well as you'd want.
This was just such a great experience and I thank God for the opportunity to be used for His glory.
God has a plan in the midst of exile, a plan and a promise that we can stand on. Know that, and don't ever forget it.
Jeremiah 29:10-14
...BIG church.
I was so nervous I thought I might throw up on stage....but luckily I didn't.
I'd say I did pretty good for being my first 20ish minute sermon and my first time on a big stage!
I preached, "God has a plan in the midst of exile." from Jeremiah 29:10-14.
I had known I was going to preach for the past month, but it wasn't until the week of Fine Arts that I knew what I was supposed to preach. Every evening that week I went back to my hotel and pushed play on my iPod. "I Will Search for You" by Israel & New Breed came on. I'd always loved this song, but this week it just rang so true and clear to me.
This message was even more so confirmed as I told a coworker what I was preaching about, and he said he had done that same verse for his sister's graduation video! And then my mentor emails me saying she prayed for me and signs the email with Jeremiah 29:11! And then my roommate just so happens to tell me she's reading a book by Eugene Peterson about the book of Jeremiah. WOW!
Sarah, you aren't searching for God enough. You've been so run down this whole summer with working a full-time job, having 2 online classes, and an internship I had to be faithful to. However, God had a plan in the midst of exile.
That was exactly my homiletical idea but I didn't know it until I began writing the sermon.
And this sermon took me a few days to write!! I started with the exegetical outline, homiletical outline, and then the sermon manuscript. For those of you not in Bible College, let me put it in layman's terms (hahahah! no offense, of course) I wrote out an outline of the verses, then an outline of the concepts/ideas I got from the verses, and then a word-for-word manuscript of what I wanted to say.
I'd actually only practiced preaching this sermon once on Monday night, once Tuesday night, and then a few times Wednesday before I had to give it. I've never been so scared of anything in my life, and to top it off I started getting a headache... Bad timing...but I took some aspirin and napped for an hour so it went away before it really began!
The purpose of my sermon was this, to let people know God has a plan a promise for their lives even when we feel like exiles. We've all been ostracized at some point in our lives before...whether it be missionaries in a foreign land, or a military person being deported... these are all extreme cases just like when the Israelites were exiled to Babylon. Nonetheless, we've all felt left out before, alone, meaningless, worthless. We've all questioned who we are at some point in our lives.
...when I got up on stage all my jitters disappeared after I prayed.
I was up on stage, like this is what I'm supposed to be doing the rest of my life, whether it be pastoring, or just being a motivational speaker...which has secretly always been a hidden desire of mine.
I'm so thankful I had great friends who came!
Thank you to Sarah, Beka, Heidi, Allie, Misty, Sophia, Kim, Breanne, Elyse and all who came. :)
It made that night really special and so much easier to preach in a loving environment!!
Everyone came up to me after service saying how great it was....how they didn't know I had such hidden talent. Someone even told me that he was going to say that I would make a great minister one day, but he said that I already was one. :) Pastor even joked about stealing my notes... hahaha!
But in all honesty, the sermon wasn't about me...it was about God and his plan. It wasn't about me being up on stage doing something fanciful for God. It wasn't me pointing out how spiritual I am. It was about me telling the people going through rough times that God has a plan even if they cannot see it in the midst of their sin, depression, anger, bitterness, etc. God is greater than the words I spoke, and I fumbled my words at times and could have used better illustrations..
The sermon itself wasn't great, but it was the lesson behind it that made it great.
I'm so thankful for my 3 months at this church. They even took up a love offering which meant a lot to me. Oh, and I got a cd of my sermon too! It's crazy when you're surrounded by an entire church that feels like family and wants to hug and kiss you ever week even if you haven't personally gotten to know them as well as you'd want.
This was just such a great experience and I thank God for the opportunity to be used for His glory.
God has a plan in the midst of exile, a plan and a promise that we can stand on. Know that, and don't ever forget it.
Jeremiah 29:10-14
Friday, August 17, 2012
Hopeless Romantics Anonymous.
Hi.
I'm Sarah.
And....I'm a hopeless romantic.
Thanks for accepting me into this support group,
Hopeless Romantics Anonymous. (HRA)
"Hello, Sarah."
Come have a seat..
"Thanks.. er.. I'm new to this."
"So are we, you'll be fine."
"Ok.."
"What are you here for?"
Well...this is where it begins.
The first step is to admit you have a problem.
And...I do.
It may help if I define a hopeless romantic for you.
My good friend, Urban Dictionary, defines it as such:
"This person is in love with love.
They believe in fairy tales and
love.
They're not to be confused as stalkers or creepy because that's not
what a hopeless romantic is.
All hopeless romantics are idealists,the
sentimental dreamers,the imaginative and the fanciful when you get to
know them.
They often live with rose colored glasses on.
They make
love look like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their
special someone."
Yep. That's me.
Idealist.
Sentimental dreamer.
Imaginative.
Fanciful.
I adore my rose colored glasses.
Romance is art..
You know.. I just wonder what it's like to reject someone.
It must feel nice as often as it happens to me.
If I could pay you to stab my heart and rip it out of my chest, I would.
But you're probably too good of a friend not to.
*sighs.. That's why I'm here. This stupid HRA meeting.
I'm conducting it myself, because, well, I made it up...
At times I wish it did exist though.
Actually, my heart isn't as broken as normal.
In fact, I feel nothing.
I'm sitting here staring at a screen, typing entirely too fast.
My brain isn't processing any of this, yet, I can't think of anything else to do.
I guess I could force myself to go to sleep.
I could force myself to cry.
Or...I could just sit here and think about what I've done.
I've told you how I feel.
That you're gorgeous.
Precious.
So smart and successful.
Nearly perfect in every way.
I knew I had no chance,
I expected your exact reply.
I even prepared myself.
There's just nothing like this bottomless pit sinking feeling in your stomach.
You almost want to curl over and die.
But you can't....because tomorrow you're going to wake up on the same side of the bed.
You're going to look at yourself in the mirror, and see the same person.
You're going to walk around like everything is alright.
It's going to be just another day in which you move forward...
Forcibly...
But you push yourself.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Happiness is Temporary.
You can say, "I just want to be happy.", but why would you want happiness when you can have joy?
Happiness doesn't last forever. Joy, however, that lasts forever...if you choose it.
You cannot have happiness without sadness....just like you cannot have cold without hot.
You cannot have wet without the dry.
You cannot have day without night.
All of these are merely the absence of the opposite.
It's only cold because there's the absence of heat.
It's only dry because there's the absence of wetness.
It's only night because of the absence of daylight.
Happiness is only the absence of sadness.
There's only one thing in this world that's forever: God.
He is unchanging.
He is mighty to save and move mountains.
He cannot be shaken, and nothing takes him by surprise.
When Jesus was on earth I'm certain that he felt everything we feel as humans.
He came from divinity into humanity and experienced the limitations we have as humans.
He felt sorrow, happiness, joy, betrayed, hungry, sleepy, etc.
He understands us.
He understands our emotions.
He won't be mad at us if we get mad at him.
He understands.
He understands sadness and depression.
He sees us in our highest moments in life and in our lowest.
Through all of this, through all the roller coasters in life, God is unchanging.
He doesn't experience mood swings.
His Law remains the same.
His love will stay unconditional.
If I could say anything to you at this very moment it would be to look to God to help you.
I am but a mere human and can only give you so many pep talks about guys and love before it gets old. I'm not supposed to handle all of this, because I'm not qualified to. You can tell a counselor anything. It's confidential and they will give you the highest advice any professional can give.
Maybe you haven't found someone to marry because you're not where you need to be.
There may still be something God wants you to work on before you take the next step in life.
You can focus on school, focus on graduating. Focus on starting up a great career for yourself. Get your license and buy a car. Make lots of new friends, GOOD ones who are GOOD influences. Get rid of any bad friends that cause you to have low self-esteem, the ones that abuse drugs and alcohol, and avoid sex at all costs.
Maybe I can explain it better...
I know you...
You get your hopes up, only to be let down every time.
You see so much potential in every guy, and they always end up failing you because they can't give you what you want. Your standards of men aren't high, but they always fall short because they're suffocated. Suffocated by the love that you want to give them...which isn't a bad thing. Love is very good, and very exciting, but man's love comes nowhere close to comparing with God's love. I really hope at some point in your life that you experience this love because right now I can tell that you haven't....and you haven't truly experienced love from guys either. If anything, the opposite.
I was watching an online sermon series called, "Love, Sex, and Dating" by Andy Stanley. It challenged me to rethink my concept of love, sex, and dating...obviously. Dating is nowhere in the Bible, for starters, so where do you get your foundation for dating from? That's a good question, and he answers it. I'd probably butcher it if I attempted to tell you that right now though considering it's been a year since I watched this. Sex....well, it's way more emotional than anyone ever thinks it is. That's what I hear, anyway. When God created sex, He did so within marriage. Anything outside of marriage is very dangerous and has drastic consequences, for one: rape. This isn't something to just take likely. You need to tell your parents, and if you don't, I will. I can't see you hurting anymore, and you need to get the help you deserve. You owe it to yourself to take better care of yourself. You owe it to your parents, and to the friends around you. When you dump all of this stuff on us we don't know how to respond and you don't get the help you need. You only get hurt friends, hurt family, hurt emotions, and you live in this victimized state of being....until the next guy comes. Then you think he will somehow fix all of your problems, and nothing matters more than being madly in love with him. Let me tell you that it just simply is false.
The next guy comes along...
By the second week of meeting him you're already "in a relationship".
You barely get to know each other, but by this time you've already been physical to some extent, even if it's just kissing.
UGH. It just upsets me.....coming from the perspective of someone who has never had a boyfriend. Let me show you what it looks like from the outside....you'll probably get mad, upset, hurt, but it has to be said. I'm not sorry, but I'm sorry I haven't said it sooner. I feel like a bad friend for not telling you these things sooner because that means you've been hurting for longer.
You get way too emotionally attached TOO early in any friendship/relationship.
The only way to fix this is to really just protect yourself. I know everyone is always telling you to put down your guards, and to not have barriers or walls between you and other people, but for the sake of your situation I'm telling you to SAFEGUARD yourself for the future. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." This verse is SO important because it's soooooo true. You have to protect yourself, or you're going to keep getting hurt....and eventually there will be nobody there to catch you, give you a pep talk, and listen to all your boyfriend stories. I can't stress it enough. You owe it to yourself to have self-respect and dignity and learn to tell guys, "No.".
Develop boundaries.
Any and all relationships have boundaries.
Marriages don't just develop overnight, and to protect your marriage and make it stronger you have to have boundaries. Why not start making boundaries now while you're dating that will roll over into having a great successful marriage one day?
I'm not here to tell you what those boundaries are, but you have to make them. I will help you, if you need. We can make them together. We need boundaries in our friendship, just like you have boundaries in the relationship you have with your parents.
Develop boundaries to protect yourself....
Here's a better way to think of it: We have fences in the playground so little kids don't run into traffic and get killed.
...I feel like you keep jumping over the fence and get hit by a different car each time.
STOP jumping over the fence and learn to play where it's safe.
It's as simple as that.
Develop yourself.
In all honesty, you're not the person I remember meeting. You've changed a lot, and granted, that's been like 3 years ago....you're not the same. I'm not the same. We all change, in good ways, and possibly bad. Change is a fact of life and it's inevitably going to happen. Nothing stays the same, so why should we?
I do miss the old you, though.
I miss the talks about God.
I miss our conversations that had no profanity in them.
I miss talking about other things besides MEN. Or sex, for that matter.
It's especially hard because you freely, openly talk about your lifestyle, while you know I'm blatantly trying to live a different one. I don't believe in sex before marriage. The Bible says it's wrong, and if you look around in this corrupt world you see many of the effects of it if you're willing to open your eyes. It creates a bond that's only meant for a spouse. When you do get married one day you will have to look at your husband and tell him all the bad things you've done, and how many people you've done them with. If you think about your future husband right now, what would you want him to be doing? Would you want him to be having sex with a different girl every night? No, you wouldn't. Would you want him to be saving himself for you? Yes, you would.
Would you want him to be struggling with STD's? NO. You absolutely would not.
Would you want him to be worrying about if he got someone pregnant or not? The answer is no.
Why would you have it any different for yourself?
You deserve self-respect. Respect your body. Your body deals with the consequences of it's sin.
Ephesians 5:3 says, "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people." God desires that we treat our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and acceptable unto Him. Sex is unholy if done outside of marriage, plain and simple. The sad part, is that you know this stuff. I could quote Scripture all day, but until there is a change in your heart none of this will help you.
You need a change of heart...
God wants to heal your heart....because He knows how many times it's been broken. And it makes him sad.
You are a child of God, but there are a lot of things that are separating you from God, and they have been for awhile. I've just been too chicken to tell you.
I want what's best for you. I'm not upset at all by writing this....and I know you may be upset with me for awhile for being brutally honest with you. But as your friend, I have to let this out.
I want to see you do great things in life...and I miss the optimistic girl who wanted to see these things happen.
Just know that you deserve more.
You deserve better.
But before God can bless you with a man to take care of the rest of your life, you have to take care of yourself. Spiritually, first. Emotionally, second. Everything else comes after this..
Happiness doesn't last forever. Joy, however, that lasts forever...if you choose it.
You cannot have happiness without sadness....just like you cannot have cold without hot.
You cannot have wet without the dry.
You cannot have day without night.
All of these are merely the absence of the opposite.
It's only cold because there's the absence of heat.
It's only dry because there's the absence of wetness.
It's only night because of the absence of daylight.
Happiness is only the absence of sadness.
There's only one thing in this world that's forever: God.
He is unchanging.
He is mighty to save and move mountains.
He cannot be shaken, and nothing takes him by surprise.
When Jesus was on earth I'm certain that he felt everything we feel as humans.
He came from divinity into humanity and experienced the limitations we have as humans.
He felt sorrow, happiness, joy, betrayed, hungry, sleepy, etc.
He understands us.
He understands our emotions.
He won't be mad at us if we get mad at him.
He understands.
He understands sadness and depression.
He sees us in our highest moments in life and in our lowest.
Through all of this, through all the roller coasters in life, God is unchanging.
He doesn't experience mood swings.
His Law remains the same.
His love will stay unconditional.
If I could say anything to you at this very moment it would be to look to God to help you.
I am but a mere human and can only give you so many pep talks about guys and love before it gets old. I'm not supposed to handle all of this, because I'm not qualified to. You can tell a counselor anything. It's confidential and they will give you the highest advice any professional can give.
Maybe you haven't found someone to marry because you're not where you need to be.
There may still be something God wants you to work on before you take the next step in life.
You can focus on school, focus on graduating. Focus on starting up a great career for yourself. Get your license and buy a car. Make lots of new friends, GOOD ones who are GOOD influences. Get rid of any bad friends that cause you to have low self-esteem, the ones that abuse drugs and alcohol, and avoid sex at all costs.
Maybe I can explain it better...
I know you...
You get your hopes up, only to be let down every time.
You see so much potential in every guy, and they always end up failing you because they can't give you what you want. Your standards of men aren't high, but they always fall short because they're suffocated. Suffocated by the love that you want to give them...which isn't a bad thing. Love is very good, and very exciting, but man's love comes nowhere close to comparing with God's love. I really hope at some point in your life that you experience this love because right now I can tell that you haven't....and you haven't truly experienced love from guys either. If anything, the opposite.
I was watching an online sermon series called, "Love, Sex, and Dating" by Andy Stanley. It challenged me to rethink my concept of love, sex, and dating...obviously. Dating is nowhere in the Bible, for starters, so where do you get your foundation for dating from? That's a good question, and he answers it. I'd probably butcher it if I attempted to tell you that right now though considering it's been a year since I watched this. Sex....well, it's way more emotional than anyone ever thinks it is. That's what I hear, anyway. When God created sex, He did so within marriage. Anything outside of marriage is very dangerous and has drastic consequences, for one: rape. This isn't something to just take likely. You need to tell your parents, and if you don't, I will. I can't see you hurting anymore, and you need to get the help you deserve. You owe it to yourself to take better care of yourself. You owe it to your parents, and to the friends around you. When you dump all of this stuff on us we don't know how to respond and you don't get the help you need. You only get hurt friends, hurt family, hurt emotions, and you live in this victimized state of being....until the next guy comes. Then you think he will somehow fix all of your problems, and nothing matters more than being madly in love with him. Let me tell you that it just simply is false.
The next guy comes along...
By the second week of meeting him you're already "in a relationship".
You barely get to know each other, but by this time you've already been physical to some extent, even if it's just kissing.
UGH. It just upsets me.....coming from the perspective of someone who has never had a boyfriend. Let me show you what it looks like from the outside....you'll probably get mad, upset, hurt, but it has to be said. I'm not sorry, but I'm sorry I haven't said it sooner. I feel like a bad friend for not telling you these things sooner because that means you've been hurting for longer.
You get way too emotionally attached TOO early in any friendship/relationship.
The only way to fix this is to really just protect yourself. I know everyone is always telling you to put down your guards, and to not have barriers or walls between you and other people, but for the sake of your situation I'm telling you to SAFEGUARD yourself for the future. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." This verse is SO important because it's soooooo true. You have to protect yourself, or you're going to keep getting hurt....and eventually there will be nobody there to catch you, give you a pep talk, and listen to all your boyfriend stories. I can't stress it enough. You owe it to yourself to have self-respect and dignity and learn to tell guys, "No.".
Develop boundaries.
Any and all relationships have boundaries.
Marriages don't just develop overnight, and to protect your marriage and make it stronger you have to have boundaries. Why not start making boundaries now while you're dating that will roll over into having a great successful marriage one day?
I'm not here to tell you what those boundaries are, but you have to make them. I will help you, if you need. We can make them together. We need boundaries in our friendship, just like you have boundaries in the relationship you have with your parents.
Develop boundaries to protect yourself....
Here's a better way to think of it: We have fences in the playground so little kids don't run into traffic and get killed.
...I feel like you keep jumping over the fence and get hit by a different car each time.
STOP jumping over the fence and learn to play where it's safe.
It's as simple as that.
Develop yourself.
In all honesty, you're not the person I remember meeting. You've changed a lot, and granted, that's been like 3 years ago....you're not the same. I'm not the same. We all change, in good ways, and possibly bad. Change is a fact of life and it's inevitably going to happen. Nothing stays the same, so why should we?
I do miss the old you, though.
I miss the talks about God.
I miss our conversations that had no profanity in them.
I miss talking about other things besides MEN. Or sex, for that matter.
It's especially hard because you freely, openly talk about your lifestyle, while you know I'm blatantly trying to live a different one. I don't believe in sex before marriage. The Bible says it's wrong, and if you look around in this corrupt world you see many of the effects of it if you're willing to open your eyes. It creates a bond that's only meant for a spouse. When you do get married one day you will have to look at your husband and tell him all the bad things you've done, and how many people you've done them with. If you think about your future husband right now, what would you want him to be doing? Would you want him to be having sex with a different girl every night? No, you wouldn't. Would you want him to be saving himself for you? Yes, you would.
Would you want him to be struggling with STD's? NO. You absolutely would not.
Would you want him to be worrying about if he got someone pregnant or not? The answer is no.
Why would you have it any different for yourself?
You deserve self-respect. Respect your body. Your body deals with the consequences of it's sin.
Ephesians 5:3 says, "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people." God desires that we treat our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and acceptable unto Him. Sex is unholy if done outside of marriage, plain and simple. The sad part, is that you know this stuff. I could quote Scripture all day, but until there is a change in your heart none of this will help you.
You need a change of heart...
God wants to heal your heart....because He knows how many times it's been broken. And it makes him sad.
You are a child of God, but there are a lot of things that are separating you from God, and they have been for awhile. I've just been too chicken to tell you.
I want what's best for you. I'm not upset at all by writing this....and I know you may be upset with me for awhile for being brutally honest with you. But as your friend, I have to let this out.
I want to see you do great things in life...and I miss the optimistic girl who wanted to see these things happen.
Just know that you deserve more.
You deserve better.
But before God can bless you with a man to take care of the rest of your life, you have to take care of yourself. Spiritually, first. Emotionally, second. Everything else comes after this..
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Philosophy is Getting Good!
I've been reading my Philosophy textbook all day today.....can you say headache?
Well, I have to do a discussion board post in each unit, and there's about 3 questions I have to answer in the unit. This unit is about God's existence. The assignment was to find a current organization that does not believe in the existence of God and present your case for the existence of God to them using arguments and points from the text. I chose the Atheist Alliance International organization and after analyzing their vision and mission statement I've found that, ironically, most of their core values are Biblical principles. For example, purpose, compassion, responsibility, and freedom. However, as expected, they base their lack of belief in God on "hard evidence" and proof of the scientific method only. They believe we should use reasoning and rational thinking for our beliefs, while, I do not disagree, I question what their organization is built on. It is, in fact, to me, a contradiction to say you have Biblical core values yet do not believe in the existence of God. Irony. :)
Anyway, I guess I'm just blogging about what I learned today. Literally, I spent ALL DAY on this reading and assignment. I'm not sure why it took me so long, but I really thought about how Atheists have no reason to not believe in God. He's so evident...and the human mind can only go so far.
One of the arguments I presented was Augustine's argument from truth to them, as follows:
I guess I'm just excited to learn about Philosophy and to actually be understanding it so deeply! I'm rather impressed with myself. Anyway, I would explain to this organization that their core values are direct Scripture and commands from God. It's commanded that we love others and have compassion on them. God gives us purpose and freedom. I don't see how we can have any of these things to their full potential without God. Freedom without God is indeed not freedom from ourselves. If God does not give us purpose in this life, do we still have a true purpose?
The mind is fallible. It cannot understand everything, which inhibits reasoning to be absolute...ever. The mind if finite...while God is infinite. We will never understand everything about God, and there are only some mysteries that we couldn't fathom if we haven't sought them ourselves through religious experiences...such as, the Trinity, the Holy Spirit, having a relationship with Jesus...etc.
So...I just really enjoyed this assignment even though I spent an inconceivable amount of unwanted time on it.
My advice to you is to know what you believe...why you believe it....and how to debate and argue anyone who stands against it. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying we should go about sticking our noses in every debate about God we can find because that may ultimately push others away. The Bible does teach about being quarrelsome with others, and about keeping the peace.
Just some thoughts. :)
Well, I have to do a discussion board post in each unit, and there's about 3 questions I have to answer in the unit. This unit is about God's existence. The assignment was to find a current organization that does not believe in the existence of God and present your case for the existence of God to them using arguments and points from the text. I chose the Atheist Alliance International organization and after analyzing their vision and mission statement I've found that, ironically, most of their core values are Biblical principles. For example, purpose, compassion, responsibility, and freedom. However, as expected, they base their lack of belief in God on "hard evidence" and proof of the scientific method only. They believe we should use reasoning and rational thinking for our beliefs, while, I do not disagree, I question what their organization is built on. It is, in fact, to me, a contradiction to say you have Biblical core values yet do not believe in the existence of God. Irony. :)
Anyway, I guess I'm just blogging about what I learned today. Literally, I spent ALL DAY on this reading and assignment. I'm not sure why it took me so long, but I really thought about how Atheists have no reason to not believe in God. He's so evident...and the human mind can only go so far.
One of the arguments I presented was Augustine's argument from truth to them, as follows:
(1) There are some necessary and unchangeable truths (ideas) such as 7+3= 10.
(2) But a finite mind, such as mine, is not unchangeable.
(3) An unchangeable truth cannot be based in a changeable, finite mind.
(4) Therefore, there must be an infinite, unchangeable Mind (that is, God) which is the basis for all unchangeable truths.
I guess I'm just excited to learn about Philosophy and to actually be understanding it so deeply! I'm rather impressed with myself. Anyway, I would explain to this organization that their core values are direct Scripture and commands from God. It's commanded that we love others and have compassion on them. God gives us purpose and freedom. I don't see how we can have any of these things to their full potential without God. Freedom without God is indeed not freedom from ourselves. If God does not give us purpose in this life, do we still have a true purpose?
The mind is fallible. It cannot understand everything, which inhibits reasoning to be absolute...ever. The mind if finite...while God is infinite. We will never understand everything about God, and there are only some mysteries that we couldn't fathom if we haven't sought them ourselves through religious experiences...such as, the Trinity, the Holy Spirit, having a relationship with Jesus...etc.
So...I just really enjoyed this assignment even though I spent an inconceivable amount of unwanted time on it.
My advice to you is to know what you believe...why you believe it....and how to debate and argue anyone who stands against it. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying we should go about sticking our noses in every debate about God we can find because that may ultimately push others away. The Bible does teach about being quarrelsome with others, and about keeping the peace.
Just some thoughts. :)
Monday, July 2, 2012
[Baja, Mexico] 12 dias!
I got my passport for Mexico in the mail today!!! :D
This is a praise report because I went to the post office to get it like a week and a half ago....
I thought it would take 3 weeks. And well, I'd be gone to Mexico by then!
Praise the Lord that it came in on time. Phew... stress relief.
God always has good timing. And early this time. haha!
Anyway....about Mexico... about MEXICO.......ABOUT MEXICO!!!!
I'm getting more excited the closer it gets, however, yesterday I did not wake up feeling like this.
Let me just start off by saying that missionaries have my utmost respect. Not that they didn't before, but they have even more of it now.
Raising funds is difficult....in a crushing economy and recession (ish) it's hard to find support, but God always provides.
I am just not a fan of fund raising. In high school we had to fund raise for EVERYTHING!! And I'm just not that creative anymore...also a tad bit burnt out if I'm honest.
Oh, and this trip ended up being more than I thought it would.
First, I was like, "YAY!! I won a trip to Mexico!!!"
Eventually it was me realizing I had to pay for the entire trip myself, I was just the lucky person chosen to go along with 229 others from 49 huge cities.
What an honor!
I can't believe I even won this trip... when I texted in at the concert I had no idea that I'd actually be going a few short months later.
I'm praying that God really moves and really opens my eyes to see more like Him through this trip.
We'll be building houses for the people in Baja, and I was online checking out some testimonies from previous trips and it looks absolutely amazing!
Schedule:
• July 14 –Depart for Baja
• July 15 –Train for mission mission trip in Baja
• July 16-19 – Minister in Baja
• July 20- Spend the day touring Baja
• July 21– Depart for home and change the world
I'm so EXCITED!!! Not gonna lie, I've been sort of a nervous wreck about raising funds and I HATE asking people for money, but I realized they're more eager to do it than I thought they would be. However, others turned out to be more reluctant to give than I thought... it works out I guess!
So, I leave Saturday, the 14th to fly to San Diego. I have a layover in Dallas, Texas on the way to San Diego and back, but both flights are only like an hour and a half long so it shouldn't be too bad!
I have soooo much anxiety about flying alone.... I've done it once, but airports freak me out.
Lots of people...
So many gates...terminals.....etc..
I have no idea where I'm going half the time.
It's just stressful.
Pray that I have peace, and that everything goes smoothly and that I don't miss a flight of anything crazy like that. :/
15th: I honestly have no idea what training will be like.
I assume we will be practicing a little bit of Spanish in there somewhere?
Good thing a generous man gave me a Spanish Bible to study over before the trip. :)
Oh, and I hope to bring some stuff to give away to the natives. :))
Yo necesito practicar espanol mas!!!
Oh, and the best part of this trip!?
The weather is anticipated to be 65-70 degrees during the day! And 58ish at night.
I might....just might....get to wear a hoodie while I'm there. Oh goody. And it's windy there. PERFECT!
July 20: Tour of Baja!? DOES IT GET ANY BETTER!? Oh my....souvenir shopping. Gah.. an entire day dedicated to strolling in my sunglasses. Freakin' sweet.
July 21: Head home! I hope to have the best tan ever! lol.
Ultimately, I want to say that I worked hard to build houses for the people of Baja.
I hope to have made a few friends, and to have talked to many about the saving love of Christ.
I know this will push me, spiritually, physically, emotionally, and what I'm most afraid of.....socially.
Pray with me as I have PAINFUL anxiety about this trip. A whole week out of the country, probably not having as much contact with people, making connecting flights, and learning how to build houses.
I know this trip will be worth all the money you gracious people have donated! I thank you so much for that!
I hope to take LOTS and lots of pictures and I hope to be able to tell each one of you individually how much you impacted this trip!
Yesterday I looked up the leaders of the trip. I feel so much better! The website also has a list of stuff to pack! I'm a horrible packer and always wait until the night before to do it with the help of my mom, but this time I want to be a big girl and do it myself. :)
There's also a suggested list of basic Spanish phrases we should practice before the trip!
"Can I pray with you?"
"What do you think about God?"
"Jesus loves you."
There are also ways to start practicing giving your testimonies.
Oh my gosh... this is gonna rock.
Ok, that's it.
Pray for me, please, and thank you for donating!!! :))
My life is about to change....in a very good way.
Baja, Mexico, see you in 12 days!
This is a praise report because I went to the post office to get it like a week and a half ago....
I thought it would take 3 weeks. And well, I'd be gone to Mexico by then!
Praise the Lord that it came in on time. Phew... stress relief.
God always has good timing. And early this time. haha!
Anyway....about Mexico... about MEXICO.......ABOUT MEXICO!!!!
I'm getting more excited the closer it gets, however, yesterday I did not wake up feeling like this.
Let me just start off by saying that missionaries have my utmost respect. Not that they didn't before, but they have even more of it now.
Raising funds is difficult....in a crushing economy and recession (ish) it's hard to find support, but God always provides.
I am just not a fan of fund raising. In high school we had to fund raise for EVERYTHING!! And I'm just not that creative anymore...also a tad bit burnt out if I'm honest.
Oh, and this trip ended up being more than I thought it would.
First, I was like, "YAY!! I won a trip to Mexico!!!"
Eventually it was me realizing I had to pay for the entire trip myself, I was just the lucky person chosen to go along with 229 others from 49 huge cities.
What an honor!
I can't believe I even won this trip... when I texted in at the concert I had no idea that I'd actually be going a few short months later.
I'm praying that God really moves and really opens my eyes to see more like Him through this trip.
We'll be building houses for the people in Baja, and I was online checking out some testimonies from previous trips and it looks absolutely amazing!
Schedule:
• July 14 –Depart for Baja
• July 15 –Train for mission mission trip in Baja
• July 16-19 – Minister in Baja
• July 20- Spend the day touring Baja
• July 21– Depart for home and change the world
I'm so EXCITED!!! Not gonna lie, I've been sort of a nervous wreck about raising funds and I HATE asking people for money, but I realized they're more eager to do it than I thought they would be. However, others turned out to be more reluctant to give than I thought... it works out I guess!
So, I leave Saturday, the 14th to fly to San Diego. I have a layover in Dallas, Texas on the way to San Diego and back, but both flights are only like an hour and a half long so it shouldn't be too bad!
I have soooo much anxiety about flying alone.... I've done it once, but airports freak me out.
Lots of people...
So many gates...terminals.....etc..
I have no idea where I'm going half the time.
It's just stressful.
Pray that I have peace, and that everything goes smoothly and that I don't miss a flight of anything crazy like that. :/
15th: I honestly have no idea what training will be like.
I assume we will be practicing a little bit of Spanish in there somewhere?
Good thing a generous man gave me a Spanish Bible to study over before the trip. :)
Oh, and I hope to bring some stuff to give away to the natives. :))
Yo necesito practicar espanol mas!!!
Oh, and the best part of this trip!?
The weather is anticipated to be 65-70 degrees during the day! And 58ish at night.
I might....just might....get to wear a hoodie while I'm there. Oh goody. And it's windy there. PERFECT!
July 20: Tour of Baja!? DOES IT GET ANY BETTER!? Oh my....souvenir shopping. Gah.. an entire day dedicated to strolling in my sunglasses. Freakin' sweet.
July 21: Head home! I hope to have the best tan ever! lol.
Ultimately, I want to say that I worked hard to build houses for the people of Baja.
I hope to have made a few friends, and to have talked to many about the saving love of Christ.
I know this will push me, spiritually, physically, emotionally, and what I'm most afraid of.....socially.
Pray with me as I have PAINFUL anxiety about this trip. A whole week out of the country, probably not having as much contact with people, making connecting flights, and learning how to build houses.
I know this trip will be worth all the money you gracious people have donated! I thank you so much for that!
I hope to take LOTS and lots of pictures and I hope to be able to tell each one of you individually how much you impacted this trip!
Yesterday I looked up the leaders of the trip. I feel so much better! The website also has a list of stuff to pack! I'm a horrible packer and always wait until the night before to do it with the help of my mom, but this time I want to be a big girl and do it myself. :)
There's also a suggested list of basic Spanish phrases we should practice before the trip!
"Can I pray with you?"
"What do you think about God?"
"Jesus loves you."
There are also ways to start practicing giving your testimonies.
Oh my gosh... this is gonna rock.
Ok, that's it.
Pray for me, please, and thank you for donating!!! :))
My life is about to change....in a very good way.
Baja, Mexico, see you in 12 days!
Friday, June 29, 2012
Bend, But Don't Break.
How do you know when you're giving away too much of yourself?
As in...
How do you know when you're too obsessed with someone?
When you love too intensely? If that's even possible.
When you feel like you've given all you can give, how do you give more?
Are you supposed to overexert yourself? Or are you to take on solely what you know you can handle?
This is my predicament.
I guess I just don't know where to draw the line, and I'm too non-confrontational to do it.
I don't say what I feel.
I have a hard time telling people no.
I feel like I'm letting people walk all over me.
But....I don't know any other way.
I would rather sacrifice my happiness than stir things up.
I would rather live miserably than to tell others what I really feel.
Then again....sometimes I'm too blunt.
When there's no filter I say whatever the heck comes to mind.
Most of the time it just hurts others.
That's where the problem lies....
Not knowing where to draw the line.
I come home everyday to a disgusting house.
It always smells like dog pee to me.
My feet are black from walking on the floors because nobody ever cleans them.
The bathroom seems extra nasty when it's my week to clean it.
There's ALWAYS dishes in the sink.
I always try to clean up after myself, and I guess I expected others to as well.
I figured it's just something people knew how to do.
My room isn't a disaster.
My clothes are always clean.
I'd like to think that I'm always well groomed and never smelling bad.
Personal hygiene is a must..
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I can't keep picking up what isn't mine because it's driving me crazy.
I don't know how people can live like this sometimes...
I want to invite people over, but I'm scared to.
It's probably just because I'm OCD and anal about cleanliness...and it's hard when you live with people who aren't.
I just feel like everyday I'm complaining to my mom about how much I have to do, but I never really speak up about it when it needs it.
Another huge thing is helping out financially. I can only do so much, but it's jacked up because I'm the youngest one, yet the most financially stable. I love tithing, saving, and rarely spending. Granted, when I do spend money I spend a lot because chances are that I've been saving up for that extra special something.
If I think about the next 11 months here, I just wonder what's going to happen after that.
We will all part our separate ways and continue on with life.
I'll look back thinking, "Man. I learned a lot."
Ultimately, I hope to be even more dependent on God to get me through stuff, and to learn how to have better relationship with the people so close me.
I just thought this would be different than it is.
It's hard forming routines around each other, not getting to always do what you want.
Listening to someone blast their music really loud...
Getting on different sleep patterns...
It's quite the change from dorm life and living on your own because you have to bend...and hopefully not break.
As in...
How do you know when you're too obsessed with someone?
When you love too intensely? If that's even possible.
When you feel like you've given all you can give, how do you give more?
Are you supposed to overexert yourself? Or are you to take on solely what you know you can handle?
This is my predicament.
I guess I just don't know where to draw the line, and I'm too non-confrontational to do it.
I don't say what I feel.
I have a hard time telling people no.
I feel like I'm letting people walk all over me.
But....I don't know any other way.
I would rather sacrifice my happiness than stir things up.
I would rather live miserably than to tell others what I really feel.
Then again....sometimes I'm too blunt.
When there's no filter I say whatever the heck comes to mind.
Most of the time it just hurts others.
That's where the problem lies....
Not knowing where to draw the line.
I come home everyday to a disgusting house.
It always smells like dog pee to me.
My feet are black from walking on the floors because nobody ever cleans them.
The bathroom seems extra nasty when it's my week to clean it.
There's ALWAYS dishes in the sink.
I always try to clean up after myself, and I guess I expected others to as well.
I figured it's just something people knew how to do.
My room isn't a disaster.
My clothes are always clean.
I'd like to think that I'm always well groomed and never smelling bad.
Personal hygiene is a must..
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I can't keep picking up what isn't mine because it's driving me crazy.
I don't know how people can live like this sometimes...
I want to invite people over, but I'm scared to.
It's probably just because I'm OCD and anal about cleanliness...and it's hard when you live with people who aren't.
I just feel like everyday I'm complaining to my mom about how much I have to do, but I never really speak up about it when it needs it.
Another huge thing is helping out financially. I can only do so much, but it's jacked up because I'm the youngest one, yet the most financially stable. I love tithing, saving, and rarely spending. Granted, when I do spend money I spend a lot because chances are that I've been saving up for that extra special something.
If I think about the next 11 months here, I just wonder what's going to happen after that.
We will all part our separate ways and continue on with life.
I'll look back thinking, "Man. I learned a lot."
Ultimately, I hope to be even more dependent on God to get me through stuff, and to learn how to have better relationship with the people so close me.
I just thought this would be different than it is.
It's hard forming routines around each other, not getting to always do what you want.
Listening to someone blast their music really loud...
Getting on different sleep patterns...
It's quite the change from dorm life and living on your own because you have to bend...and hopefully not break.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
I Wish I Could Think of a Creative Title For This.
I'm going to be completely honest here...
Recently I've been struggling with a lot of self-loathe.
I'm not sure what's caused it but it's pretty bad right now.
Self-loathe: an extreme dislike or hatred of oneself.
That pretty much sums it up.
I wake up everyday, look in my double sliding door mirrors on my closet and think, "WTH just happened."
My hair is gross, my face has been sorta zity lately.
I really can't find too many things about myself that I do like, but for the sake of saying something positive I'm gonna have to go with: eyes, teeth, tan skin, hair color, curls, my face overall.
I pretty much hate the rest of my body.
I'm learning to like it, but I still hate the way I look.
How is it that some people are just completely comfortable in their own skin and others are so self-conscious they just want to curl up and die in any form of social setting in which others may notice them?
...At times I think I want to be noticed but at other times I just want to hide in a cave away from the world.
I'm not making sense.
I'm so weird.
I was just thinking about this the other night... I even asked people at work, "What happens when you realize how weird you are?"
A response: "Embrace it."
Well...I wish it was easy. Literally after everything I say I beat myself up and think, "That was so stupid, Sarah. Why did you say that?" Or...most oftentimes it's, "Why did you do that? Stop acting dumb."
It plagues me everyday, and I wish I knew where it came from, but this self-esteem issue has got to go.
I wake up everyday hating myself...then I go workout and run my butt off, and I buy lots of healthy food and have started cooking more since living in my new apartment.
Today I saw results though, I wore a dress that I bought a month ago and it fit better today than when I tried it on the first time. I'm glad, but it's not enough.
Run faster....
Lift more...
Eat better...
It's driving me crazy.
Why do I have to try this hard to get anywhere in life? I guess that's what my parents always warned me about, "Enjoy life while you're young because when you're an adult life gets hard."
I don't know..
My mom's been trying to help me, but let's face it, she's my mom.....she has to think highly of me.
I don't look like anyone I've ever seen.
I cannot piece together a cute outfit to save my life.
I wish I could do something with my hair....I wish it would grow, I'm taking pills for that....yet, no results.
I look in the mirror and I just think about how short I am....
How I need more laser hair removal.
Ugh. I hate myself, but I'm done complaining.
Time to sleep off my grumpiness.
P.S. If anyone looks at me and says, "You look really tired." I might quite possibly shank them.
Oh, a few last thoughts...
Today at work we were talking about being made fun of growing up and my only response was that all the fat people get picked on. Kids say the most hurtful things and it's amazing how I can remember the exact moment, and my exact feelings and emotions when someone (I still remember who..) looked me in the eyes and called me fat. I just put my head down and ignored them....but you never forget.
I also remember a guy telling one of my friends that if I was 30 pounds thinner I would be hot and he would date me.
Here's the kicker.... in the past 2 hours I've literally heard 2 marriage stories of how looks are important.
The guy looks at a picture of the girl and immediately knows he's going to marry her. 46 years later this still rings true..
The girl looks at the guy the first time they meet and knows she wants to marry him one day.
HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE.
I have no idea, but I do know that some of us will never be this lucky.
It's like they don't have to do any work and blindly run into the "right" person.
The even more SUCKY part is that the guy I could possibly have interest in isn't even dating at this time. And everyday he manages to bring that to my attention somehow.... I haven't even flirted with him or anything, but he can probably read my mind or something?
Ok...I'm rambling....and this can only get worse..................
Goodnight.
Recently I've been struggling with a lot of self-loathe.
I'm not sure what's caused it but it's pretty bad right now.
Self-loathe: an extreme dislike or hatred of oneself.
That pretty much sums it up.
I wake up everyday, look in my double sliding door mirrors on my closet and think, "WTH just happened."
My hair is gross, my face has been sorta zity lately.
I really can't find too many things about myself that I do like, but for the sake of saying something positive I'm gonna have to go with: eyes, teeth, tan skin, hair color, curls, my face overall.
I pretty much hate the rest of my body.
I'm learning to like it, but I still hate the way I look.
How is it that some people are just completely comfortable in their own skin and others are so self-conscious they just want to curl up and die in any form of social setting in which others may notice them?
...At times I think I want to be noticed but at other times I just want to hide in a cave away from the world.
I'm not making sense.
I'm so weird.
I was just thinking about this the other night... I even asked people at work, "What happens when you realize how weird you are?"
A response: "Embrace it."
Well...I wish it was easy. Literally after everything I say I beat myself up and think, "That was so stupid, Sarah. Why did you say that?" Or...most oftentimes it's, "Why did you do that? Stop acting dumb."
It plagues me everyday, and I wish I knew where it came from, but this self-esteem issue has got to go.
I wake up everyday hating myself...then I go workout and run my butt off, and I buy lots of healthy food and have started cooking more since living in my new apartment.
Today I saw results though, I wore a dress that I bought a month ago and it fit better today than when I tried it on the first time. I'm glad, but it's not enough.
Run faster....
Lift more...
Eat better...
It's driving me crazy.
Why do I have to try this hard to get anywhere in life? I guess that's what my parents always warned me about, "Enjoy life while you're young because when you're an adult life gets hard."
I don't know..
My mom's been trying to help me, but let's face it, she's my mom.....she has to think highly of me.
I don't look like anyone I've ever seen.
I cannot piece together a cute outfit to save my life.
I wish I could do something with my hair....I wish it would grow, I'm taking pills for that....yet, no results.
I look in the mirror and I just think about how short I am....
How I need more laser hair removal.
Ugh. I hate myself, but I'm done complaining.
Time to sleep off my grumpiness.
P.S. If anyone looks at me and says, "You look really tired." I might quite possibly shank them.
Oh, a few last thoughts...
Today at work we were talking about being made fun of growing up and my only response was that all the fat people get picked on. Kids say the most hurtful things and it's amazing how I can remember the exact moment, and my exact feelings and emotions when someone (I still remember who..) looked me in the eyes and called me fat. I just put my head down and ignored them....but you never forget.
I also remember a guy telling one of my friends that if I was 30 pounds thinner I would be hot and he would date me.
Here's the kicker.... in the past 2 hours I've literally heard 2 marriage stories of how looks are important.
The guy looks at a picture of the girl and immediately knows he's going to marry her. 46 years later this still rings true..
The girl looks at the guy the first time they meet and knows she wants to marry him one day.
HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE.
I have no idea, but I do know that some of us will never be this lucky.
It's like they don't have to do any work and blindly run into the "right" person.
The even more SUCKY part is that the guy I could possibly have interest in isn't even dating at this time. And everyday he manages to bring that to my attention somehow.... I haven't even flirted with him or anything, but he can probably read my mind or something?
Ok...I'm rambling....and this can only get worse..................
Goodnight.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Blahh.
I find myself sitting here in my room attempting to do homework with a million other thoughts crossing my mind. Well, rather, one main thought.... about my future.
I'm so stressed out about doing this homework, probably because I put it off until the last minute which always happens...
I feel like I've lost control.
I can barely control what I wear in the morning.
My hair barely lets me control it.
My exhaustion never ceases.
I never have time for anything I should be making time for.
My money seems plenty, but I still feel like it's not enough.
I just feel like nothing goes as it's planned out in my head.
I feel like I have no control over anything. Right now...it's mainly my emotions and feelings.
I don't feel overwhelmed with my emotions as normal. This time I'm trying to prevent them from happening.
I don't want to have feelings for someone who's off limits. Someone who isn't even dating or looking to date.
I can't control myself.
I don't know how to NOT feel this way....and I don't know how to prevent this from going any further than it needs to be.
I wish I could get shut down and hurt now to prevent it happening to an even greater extent in the future.
Deep down I know it'd never work out anyway.
In real life you'd never look my way.
I'd remain in the friends zone like I always have.
I have to do things differently if I want different results...
This is the plan: Not tell you. Pretend there's nothing there. Move on about my life. Let go. Don't be dramatic in any way and don't throw yourself on anyone. Don't drop hints. Just act like everything is normal. Don't get attached.
I was listening to a Tyrone Wells song called, "Freedom."
The lyrics say, "When you let it go, what they say is true. When you let it go it will come right back to you. When you let it go there is freedom if you do. When you let it go it will come right back to you."
This is like my new life theme song!!! Seriously. It's catchy and upbeat. :)
Ahhh....*sighs. If I could give advice to myself, and actually force myself to listen to myself, I would say this:
"Try not to think about it. Keep your mind focused on God and everything else will fall into place. And stop blogging about everything because people will start to think you're depressed or desperate. Jeish. Get over yourself."
At that, I'm done writing.
And now....it's the hurry up and wait.
Maybe at this time next year you will be at a better place.
We both need to heal from what seems to be the exact same ailment.
Or maybe my wishful thinking will get the best of me yet again.
I'm so stressed out about doing this homework, probably because I put it off until the last minute which always happens...
I feel like I've lost control.
I can barely control what I wear in the morning.
My hair barely lets me control it.
My exhaustion never ceases.
I never have time for anything I should be making time for.
My money seems plenty, but I still feel like it's not enough.
I just feel like nothing goes as it's planned out in my head.
I feel like I have no control over anything. Right now...it's mainly my emotions and feelings.
I don't feel overwhelmed with my emotions as normal. This time I'm trying to prevent them from happening.
I don't want to have feelings for someone who's off limits. Someone who isn't even dating or looking to date.
I can't control myself.
I don't know how to NOT feel this way....and I don't know how to prevent this from going any further than it needs to be.
I wish I could get shut down and hurt now to prevent it happening to an even greater extent in the future.
Deep down I know it'd never work out anyway.
In real life you'd never look my way.
I'd remain in the friends zone like I always have.
I have to do things differently if I want different results...
This is the plan: Not tell you. Pretend there's nothing there. Move on about my life. Let go. Don't be dramatic in any way and don't throw yourself on anyone. Don't drop hints. Just act like everything is normal. Don't get attached.
I was listening to a Tyrone Wells song called, "Freedom."
The lyrics say, "When you let it go, what they say is true. When you let it go it will come right back to you. When you let it go there is freedom if you do. When you let it go it will come right back to you."
This is like my new life theme song!!! Seriously. It's catchy and upbeat. :)
Ahhh....*sighs. If I could give advice to myself, and actually force myself to listen to myself, I would say this:
"Try not to think about it. Keep your mind focused on God and everything else will fall into place. And stop blogging about everything because people will start to think you're depressed or desperate. Jeish. Get over yourself."
At that, I'm done writing.
And now....it's the hurry up and wait.
Maybe at this time next year you will be at a better place.
We both need to heal from what seems to be the exact same ailment.
Or maybe my wishful thinking will get the best of me yet again.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Live to Love.
I just have to write this down...
Sunday School was sooooo good.
I never thought it could be so deep, emotional, intellectual, yet theological at the same time.
The idea that struck me most was when we defined God's love for us.
We can define it with this one word....and no, it's not "unconditional."
We can define God's love as unrequited.
If you don't know what unrequited means, it's synonymous with unreciprocated.
God loves us so much....that he can experience pain from it.
I've been in love with two guys in my life. When they fell away from God it was the most painful, heart-wrenching time of my life. I felt so much pain. My heart literally hurt, all day long. It just disgusted me. How could someone turn away from the living God? The very thing that gives us breath and that even allows us to live in the first place.
Love...can sometimes be painful, but that's when you know it's true....because God experiences it too.
God must feel pain when he loves us unconditionally and unrequited. He must. I've been there and I've felt that inseparable love, but God feels it for all humanity. His heart must be broken when we reject him, when we sin, when we misuse His name, when we fail to love others.....God hurts.
When I think of Jesus I think of the most gentle touch...
When you're sick the very touch of Jesus could heal you.
When your heart's broken the very love of Jesus can consume you so powerfully it nearly knocks you over.
The Holy Spirit can so deeply transcend your body and make you feel tingly shivers.
It just amazes me....that God loved us enough to take on the sins of the world.
The message today in church only confirmed the Sunday school lesson.
We hear the message of the cross over and over again, but that doesn't make it any less powerful.
In my opinion, we need to preach the cross more because everything else we say should always relate back to that. Jesus died on the cross for you and for me.
My class was asked the question, "Why did Jesus have to die?" The reality is that we've fallen from God and live in a corrupt and depraved world. Our very human nature is sinful and corrupt. To be saved we had to have an equivalent without blemish: Jesus.
"He knew no sin, but suffered as if he did."
Jesus' death on the cross should have been us. Each and every one of us.
It's no wonder that in the garden of Gethsemane before he was to be crucified he wondered if there was any other way.....any other way to do this besides death on the cross. The most shameful death a Jew could die. Humiliation, and being spit on.. yet, we continue to sin in our daily lives. That's the very same as continually spitting on Jesus. It's telling him that his death and resurrection meant nothing to us. But because of our humanity, depravity, and corruption we continue to do sin. In fact, it's impossible not to sin, but when we do we should know that God HATES sin. In fact, sin is the only think listed in the Bible that God hates.
Back to love..
If you've ever been in a place where love was painful, imagine that, but imagine it for all of humanity. Jesus was praying in the garden of Gethsemane and was sweating blood. BLOOD. I don't know about you, but I've never sweat blood, ever. It was such a heavy burden...and the message of the cross is just as heavy to me today.
There's a better way. There's a better way than the way you're doing things now. There's a greater love than anything we as humans could ever feel. There's a better path in life to take than the one we have in mind for ourselves.
We are just humans... we're so limited in the things we can do. We cannot bring healing to ourselves, granted, we can treat wounds but we can't bring ultimate healing to our souls. We cannot bring ultimate restoration, and we cannot make ourselves new creations. There's been so many times when I just think, "I wish I could just start completely over." I can try... I could change my name, change the way I look, change where I live and what car I drive, but deep down I would still be the same person. But why would I waste my time trying to do all that stuff when I can just look to God and say, "Make me new." and start a complete life transformation from that very moment on?
I'm just rambling now... but I just love the idea of love. I love the idea of loving other people. I wish I could be in love with every human the way Jesus is, but I'm not God and I could not handle that sort of pain.. It hurts when someone does not love you back. The emotional pain is just gripping, and your heart aches with every throb, but I want to live to love.
Sunday School was sooooo good.
I never thought it could be so deep, emotional, intellectual, yet theological at the same time.
The idea that struck me most was when we defined God's love for us.
We can define it with this one word....and no, it's not "unconditional."
We can define God's love as unrequited.
If you don't know what unrequited means, it's synonymous with unreciprocated.
God loves us so much....that he can experience pain from it.
I've been in love with two guys in my life. When they fell away from God it was the most painful, heart-wrenching time of my life. I felt so much pain. My heart literally hurt, all day long. It just disgusted me. How could someone turn away from the living God? The very thing that gives us breath and that even allows us to live in the first place.
Love...can sometimes be painful, but that's when you know it's true....because God experiences it too.
God must feel pain when he loves us unconditionally and unrequited. He must. I've been there and I've felt that inseparable love, but God feels it for all humanity. His heart must be broken when we reject him, when we sin, when we misuse His name, when we fail to love others.....God hurts.
When I think of Jesus I think of the most gentle touch...
When you're sick the very touch of Jesus could heal you.
When your heart's broken the very love of Jesus can consume you so powerfully it nearly knocks you over.
The Holy Spirit can so deeply transcend your body and make you feel tingly shivers.
It just amazes me....that God loved us enough to take on the sins of the world.
The message today in church only confirmed the Sunday school lesson.
We hear the message of the cross over and over again, but that doesn't make it any less powerful.
In my opinion, we need to preach the cross more because everything else we say should always relate back to that. Jesus died on the cross for you and for me.
My class was asked the question, "Why did Jesus have to die?" The reality is that we've fallen from God and live in a corrupt and depraved world. Our very human nature is sinful and corrupt. To be saved we had to have an equivalent without blemish: Jesus.
"He knew no sin, but suffered as if he did."
Jesus' death on the cross should have been us. Each and every one of us.
It's no wonder that in the garden of Gethsemane before he was to be crucified he wondered if there was any other way.....any other way to do this besides death on the cross. The most shameful death a Jew could die. Humiliation, and being spit on.. yet, we continue to sin in our daily lives. That's the very same as continually spitting on Jesus. It's telling him that his death and resurrection meant nothing to us. But because of our humanity, depravity, and corruption we continue to do sin. In fact, it's impossible not to sin, but when we do we should know that God HATES sin. In fact, sin is the only think listed in the Bible that God hates.
Back to love..
If you've ever been in a place where love was painful, imagine that, but imagine it for all of humanity. Jesus was praying in the garden of Gethsemane and was sweating blood. BLOOD. I don't know about you, but I've never sweat blood, ever. It was such a heavy burden...and the message of the cross is just as heavy to me today.
There's a better way. There's a better way than the way you're doing things now. There's a greater love than anything we as humans could ever feel. There's a better path in life to take than the one we have in mind for ourselves.
We are just humans... we're so limited in the things we can do. We cannot bring healing to ourselves, granted, we can treat wounds but we can't bring ultimate healing to our souls. We cannot bring ultimate restoration, and we cannot make ourselves new creations. There's been so many times when I just think, "I wish I could just start completely over." I can try... I could change my name, change the way I look, change where I live and what car I drive, but deep down I would still be the same person. But why would I waste my time trying to do all that stuff when I can just look to God and say, "Make me new." and start a complete life transformation from that very moment on?
I'm just rambling now... but I just love the idea of love. I love the idea of loving other people. I wish I could be in love with every human the way Jesus is, but I'm not God and I could not handle that sort of pain.. It hurts when someone does not love you back. The emotional pain is just gripping, and your heart aches with every throb, but I want to live to love.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
At Church We Talk About Dead Things..
There's so much going on in my brain right now... I just had to write it down.
There's so much changing and I've never felt like I'm learning this much at one time....even in a Bible class.
You can learn ABOUT ministry, but it's different than actually DOING it.
I've been at my internship for a few weeks now and...it's different. It's definitely not what I expected, but it isn't LESS than I expected either. It's perfect. I know God is teaching me a lot about ministry, the "church", people, and what my role may one day be within the church. I'm learning how a church operates. Everything from the office work, playing music for the youth, learning how prayer chains operate, to doing the small things that everyone else thinks they're too good to do.
Today I learned how hospital visits should go. It's interesting because I've never "learned" about this stuff before, and I haven't been in too many hospitals to visit people to tell you the truth. They freak me out and I'm certain I would get lost trying to navigate myself around. The gowns...the food....the sick people. No wonder God works miracles in those places. Otherwise, they'd just be hopeless.
Tonight I specifically learned 3 reasons for privacy.
1. Discussion of private information.
-The patient may find it uncomfortable for you to know certain things about them...
2. Change in hospital attire.
-I was told that there is NO way of getting up on that table without an invasion of privacy.... literally.
3. They always ask, "Do you need to use the restroom?"
-Once again....there's NO way to successfully get off the table without another invasion of privacy.
I learned there's no such thing as clergy parking which pretty much ruined my day because I already have a Clergy sign hanging on my mirror. Oh well.... *sighs with great disappointment
There's just sooo many little things I never thought of!! For example, wasting half a tank of gas trying to find the nearest spot when you can just pick the first parking lot you see and get there way faster even if the spot is the furthest from the building. Oh, and one should always carry an umbrella. For rain protection and "crazies" protection... "because 2am is when the crazies come out".
Never ask permission to pray. Just do it.
Realize that you're not there for a visit, you're there to bring their health issue to Jesus.
Be conversational, big prayers mean nothing.
I just feel so enlightened. It's like opening up another part of my brain that I've never used before.
"Pastoral counseling is spelled C.A.R.E." - You can't make this stuff up. It's just too good.
So...my internship. I get to follow the pastor around on Wednesdays and Sundays. I get there an hour and a half early to just talk about how a church functions, hear crazy stories that have happened, and to learn many other things. I will be doing hospital visits, in home sick call visits, and potentially some funerals and weddings!!! How exciting, yet scary is that. Last Sunday I was asked to say the opening prayer before morning service.. I was nervous, but the Holy Spirit led. Tonight I talked in youth and had no idea what I was saying.
You know the Holy Spirit is guiding you when you walk off stage and forget everything you just said, but you know that the audience was listening intently. Or maybe it's just because I told crazy true stories and threw in some drug dealer relative or told them the reason I even started going to church was because of a boy I liked.
Hum....it pays to just be yourself. The church sees that, and hopefully they accept it. If not, you move on.
I feel like I'm accepted....because the kids call me "squared" because there's already a leader named Sarah. haha. Sarah squared...."squared"....get it?
I'm starting to get to know some people from the church. There are these former missionaries to Colombia and we talk in Spanish! The music leader couple wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow night! I'm signed up to be on the prayer chain and to take the next available class. (I had no idea you needed a class for a prayer chain. lol)
Next week's agenda: learning about people in psych wards. I just can't wait!!!
Oh, and tonight was the worship leader's last night playing for the youth. At the end of the night he handed me his folder with chord sheets in it. I feel so privileged, yet challenged to do my best. I will stand before God one day and will be evaluated on how well I led them into the presence of God. It's my job to teach them how to worship....the reason for worship...and why God desires our worship. I'm so very excited. I get to play guitar....and who knows, maybe even start giving lessons. I want God to build this up, I just hope to lay the bare foundation and let Him take over from there.
So...about the church.
It's in the middle of nowhere.
It's tiny.
They play traditional music...which I'm learning to appreciate. You never appreciate such good worship at Bible College until you realize when you're lacking in worship. However, the worship here isn't lacking, that's where my theology is wrong...the music is just different. It's about 60 years old. It's completely different. I'm starting to understand it. I'm starting to learn the song structures...words...rhythms... it's all starting to make sense. I feel the Holy Spirit moving in these rich song themes and stories within the songs.. The plan is to learn some updated hymns to sort of transition the church into some more contemporary worship..
We're transitioning from a small to medium size church...and may start having a traditional and contemporary service. I really hope this happens and more young people start coming to the church! I hope the youth grows! I just have such vision for where this could go...where God could lead...
This is all a huge step out of my comfort zone.
I feel so inadequate because I barely know anything about the church.
I feel too immature to be a part of something so big and serious.
I know these next 2 and a half months will be insane. Crazy busy. Awesome. Intimidating. Scary. Overwhelming...and fun.
AND....while all of this is taking place. I'm managing 2 online classes. Working a full-time, 8-4:30 job. Learning to adapt to having 2 roommates. Learning to be in the "real world"...although I feel like I've already been there awhile.
I feel like life is finally coming together, and I'm happy with that. It isn't perfect, and it definitely isn't glamorous, but I feel like I have a home, a career, a mighty God, and I'm learning to love myself and others in the process, while learning very practical things about life.
Praise God for all of this. Without Him I'd be dead.
There's so much changing and I've never felt like I'm learning this much at one time....even in a Bible class.
You can learn ABOUT ministry, but it's different than actually DOING it.
I've been at my internship for a few weeks now and...it's different. It's definitely not what I expected, but it isn't LESS than I expected either. It's perfect. I know God is teaching me a lot about ministry, the "church", people, and what my role may one day be within the church. I'm learning how a church operates. Everything from the office work, playing music for the youth, learning how prayer chains operate, to doing the small things that everyone else thinks they're too good to do.
Today I learned how hospital visits should go. It's interesting because I've never "learned" about this stuff before, and I haven't been in too many hospitals to visit people to tell you the truth. They freak me out and I'm certain I would get lost trying to navigate myself around. The gowns...the food....the sick people. No wonder God works miracles in those places. Otherwise, they'd just be hopeless.
Tonight I specifically learned 3 reasons for privacy.
1. Discussion of private information.
-The patient may find it uncomfortable for you to know certain things about them...
2. Change in hospital attire.
-I was told that there is NO way of getting up on that table without an invasion of privacy.... literally.
3. They always ask, "Do you need to use the restroom?"
-Once again....there's NO way to successfully get off the table without another invasion of privacy.
I learned there's no such thing as clergy parking which pretty much ruined my day because I already have a Clergy sign hanging on my mirror. Oh well.... *sighs with great disappointment
There's just sooo many little things I never thought of!! For example, wasting half a tank of gas trying to find the nearest spot when you can just pick the first parking lot you see and get there way faster even if the spot is the furthest from the building. Oh, and one should always carry an umbrella. For rain protection and "crazies" protection... "because 2am is when the crazies come out".
Never ask permission to pray. Just do it.
Realize that you're not there for a visit, you're there to bring their health issue to Jesus.
Be conversational, big prayers mean nothing.
I just feel so enlightened. It's like opening up another part of my brain that I've never used before.
"Pastoral counseling is spelled C.A.R.E." - You can't make this stuff up. It's just too good.
So...my internship. I get to follow the pastor around on Wednesdays and Sundays. I get there an hour and a half early to just talk about how a church functions, hear crazy stories that have happened, and to learn many other things. I will be doing hospital visits, in home sick call visits, and potentially some funerals and weddings!!! How exciting, yet scary is that. Last Sunday I was asked to say the opening prayer before morning service.. I was nervous, but the Holy Spirit led. Tonight I talked in youth and had no idea what I was saying.
You know the Holy Spirit is guiding you when you walk off stage and forget everything you just said, but you know that the audience was listening intently. Or maybe it's just because I told crazy true stories and threw in some drug dealer relative or told them the reason I even started going to church was because of a boy I liked.
Hum....it pays to just be yourself. The church sees that, and hopefully they accept it. If not, you move on.
I feel like I'm accepted....because the kids call me "squared" because there's already a leader named Sarah. haha. Sarah squared...."squared"....get it?
I'm starting to get to know some people from the church. There are these former missionaries to Colombia and we talk in Spanish! The music leader couple wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow night! I'm signed up to be on the prayer chain and to take the next available class. (I had no idea you needed a class for a prayer chain. lol)
Next week's agenda: learning about people in psych wards. I just can't wait!!!
Oh, and tonight was the worship leader's last night playing for the youth. At the end of the night he handed me his folder with chord sheets in it. I feel so privileged, yet challenged to do my best. I will stand before God one day and will be evaluated on how well I led them into the presence of God. It's my job to teach them how to worship....the reason for worship...and why God desires our worship. I'm so very excited. I get to play guitar....and who knows, maybe even start giving lessons. I want God to build this up, I just hope to lay the bare foundation and let Him take over from there.
So...about the church.
It's in the middle of nowhere.
It's tiny.
They play traditional music...which I'm learning to appreciate. You never appreciate such good worship at Bible College until you realize when you're lacking in worship. However, the worship here isn't lacking, that's where my theology is wrong...the music is just different. It's about 60 years old. It's completely different. I'm starting to understand it. I'm starting to learn the song structures...words...rhythms... it's all starting to make sense. I feel the Holy Spirit moving in these rich song themes and stories within the songs.. The plan is to learn some updated hymns to sort of transition the church into some more contemporary worship..
We're transitioning from a small to medium size church...and may start having a traditional and contemporary service. I really hope this happens and more young people start coming to the church! I hope the youth grows! I just have such vision for where this could go...where God could lead...
This is all a huge step out of my comfort zone.
I feel so inadequate because I barely know anything about the church.
I feel too immature to be a part of something so big and serious.
I know these next 2 and a half months will be insane. Crazy busy. Awesome. Intimidating. Scary. Overwhelming...and fun.
AND....while all of this is taking place. I'm managing 2 online classes. Working a full-time, 8-4:30 job. Learning to adapt to having 2 roommates. Learning to be in the "real world"...although I feel like I've already been there awhile.
I feel like life is finally coming together, and I'm happy with that. It isn't perfect, and it definitely isn't glamorous, but I feel like I have a home, a career, a mighty God, and I'm learning to love myself and others in the process, while learning very practical things about life.
Praise God for all of this. Without Him I'd be dead.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Finding Adventure in God.
After finishing up what was most definitely the worst semester I've had in college yet, I find myself sitting here thinking about all the things I need to work on. It's motivating, yet overwhelming at the same time. I just think, "I'll never be good enough.", "I'll never be perfect." So what is the point of trying? There's always something I can improve on, something I can do better, something I can keep practicing... but it never seems to be enough. I just can't be satisfied with myself.
Maybe this is my perfectionist mentality kicking in...that everything has to be perfect, or maybe it's my perfectionist mentality checking out...that I just don't care anymore.
I know I'm supposed to be the person God's called me to be...but what if I just want to be myself for a moment. I want to be the person I want to be. What if I feel like God's standards are too high for me? I get tired of trying to play perfect. I want to make mistakes and be okay with it. I want to be okay with not being the best guitar player in the world. I want to be okay with not caring about what people think...but instead, all of these things bug me...all day long.
I want to be okay with not answering that one word text message.
I want to be okay with having fuzzy curly hair for the rest of my life.
I want to be okay with the way I look and dress.
I'm just tired of everything having to be perfect.
I don't have to be paranoid about using perfect grammar or punctuation.
I don't have to have every part of my outfit matching.
I don't have to match my socks.
Things don't have to be done a certain way....one certain way...
Not everything has to be prim and proper.
I guess I'm just saying that I want to do what I want to do.
Explore new things.
Go new places.
It's not that I want to break free from God, but rather I need to find the adventure in God.
All I hear is, "God's gonna use you to do great things!! Things you cannot even imagine!"
Well, if I can't imagine them, why would I want to do them? Or even know what these "things" are?
I just hate the spiritual answers. I know they're supposed to solve everything, but they often do the opposite.
Pray more. Seek God more. What is "more" is never enough? And...it won't be. We know this because God always wants more of us...but see, there's this tension because Satan wants more of me as well...
And quite honestly Satan's way seems happier nearly every time.
I'm just done trying to be perfect.
I just have to follow the Perfect example...knowing I will fail, but living to tell the story.
Maybe this is my perfectionist mentality kicking in...that everything has to be perfect, or maybe it's my perfectionist mentality checking out...that I just don't care anymore.
I know I'm supposed to be the person God's called me to be...but what if I just want to be myself for a moment. I want to be the person I want to be. What if I feel like God's standards are too high for me? I get tired of trying to play perfect. I want to make mistakes and be okay with it. I want to be okay with not being the best guitar player in the world. I want to be okay with not caring about what people think...but instead, all of these things bug me...all day long.
I want to be okay with not answering that one word text message.
I want to be okay with having fuzzy curly hair for the rest of my life.
I want to be okay with the way I look and dress.
I'm just tired of everything having to be perfect.
I don't have to be paranoid about using perfect grammar or punctuation.
I don't have to have every part of my outfit matching.
I don't have to match my socks.
Things don't have to be done a certain way....one certain way...
Not everything has to be prim and proper.
I guess I'm just saying that I want to do what I want to do.
Explore new things.
Go new places.
It's not that I want to break free from God, but rather I need to find the adventure in God.
All I hear is, "God's gonna use you to do great things!! Things you cannot even imagine!"
Well, if I can't imagine them, why would I want to do them? Or even know what these "things" are?
I just hate the spiritual answers. I know they're supposed to solve everything, but they often do the opposite.
Pray more. Seek God more. What is "more" is never enough? And...it won't be. We know this because God always wants more of us...but see, there's this tension because Satan wants more of me as well...
And quite honestly Satan's way seems happier nearly every time.
I'm just done trying to be perfect.
I just have to follow the Perfect example...knowing I will fail, but living to tell the story.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Letting Go.
I've held onto this for far too long..
I can't let go of the very thing that's killing me.
It's all working out in my mind...but on the outside it's not as great as it seems.
I'm trying my hardest to maintain this victimized state.
Really, it's just my own fault.
I put myself in this situation in the first place.
I'm just hurt.
You don't even care.
You don't even know I'm here.
This is the hardest thing I've had to do.
But God will have nothing less than all of me.
I have to let you go..
As much as I want to help you,
I've been draining myself dry.
I'm surprised I have tears to cry.
I had a dream..
You hadn't changed a bit.
5 years, you stayed the same.
Same bad habits, same lifestyle.
I see more potential than you see in yourself.
This dream...it couldn't be true.
I was sure you'd come around.
Change...and get back on track.
That we'd have a life together.
That we'd be happy, in fact.
I can't keep fighting this.
This same routine..
You say it's just, "a different theology".
I walked away shattered.
But I just kept going..
I didn't know whereto..
I kept going..
I didn't need you.
God's the only one.
The only one that stands True.
The only one who loves me..
He loves you too..
We're both just hurt,
But there's nothing I can do.
I've tried to fix you.
I don't know what else to do..
You have a broken heart.
It's ok, I do too..
But mine's broken..
Because of you.
Your careless words.
You left me out to dry.
In the drenching rain..
You left me alone to cry.
I stood outside your window.
Watching your life go by.
You thought you were ok..
But you were living a lie.
One day you'll wake up,
But it will be too late.
That ship has sailed..
And you're a day too late.
You'll realize that you wasted your life.
Never satisfied..
Filled with emptiness..
I can't say that I never tried.
I can't let go of the very thing that's killing me.
It's all working out in my mind...but on the outside it's not as great as it seems.
I'm trying my hardest to maintain this victimized state.
Really, it's just my own fault.
I put myself in this situation in the first place.
I'm just hurt.
You don't even care.
You don't even know I'm here.
This is the hardest thing I've had to do.
But God will have nothing less than all of me.
I have to let you go..
As much as I want to help you,
I've been draining myself dry.
I'm surprised I have tears to cry.
I had a dream..
You hadn't changed a bit.
5 years, you stayed the same.
Same bad habits, same lifestyle.
I see more potential than you see in yourself.
This dream...it couldn't be true.
I was sure you'd come around.
Change...and get back on track.
That we'd have a life together.
That we'd be happy, in fact.
I can't keep fighting this.
This same routine..
You say it's just, "a different theology".
I walked away shattered.
But I just kept going..
I didn't know whereto..
I kept going..
I didn't need you.
God's the only one.
The only one that stands True.
The only one who loves me..
He loves you too..
We're both just hurt,
But there's nothing I can do.
I've tried to fix you.
I don't know what else to do..
You have a broken heart.
It's ok, I do too..
But mine's broken..
Because of you.
Your careless words.
You left me out to dry.
In the drenching rain..
You left me alone to cry.
I stood outside your window.
Watching your life go by.
You thought you were ok..
But you were living a lie.
One day you'll wake up,
But it will be too late.
That ship has sailed..
And you're a day too late.
You'll realize that you wasted your life.
Never satisfied..
Filled with emptiness..
I can't say that I never tried.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
The Cure for Desperation.
Sometimes I focus on the things that need to be changed, and not so much on the things I'm already doing well. Mainly because I think I'm good at something, until I realize that there's always someone out there who can do it better.
Maybe I'm not the most effective person, but I CAN focus on being more efficient.
I don't notice what I'm doing well, I only notice what I'm not doing well.
This should probably change..
If you don't know the things you're good at, nobody else will.
At this honest moment, I don't know what I'm feeling, but I know something is missing.
I go through the daily routine and discipline, but although you do these things it doesn't necessarily mean that you're growing.
I want to grow.
I feel like there's so much more to learn and do.
But the idea of this is so overwhelming that you don't know where to begin.
I want to change, but sometimes I think I'm good enough the way I am.
I want to be more outgoing, then I think that it's perfectly acceptable to keep to myself.
I want to be a leader, but part of me is fine with being a follower.
The only thing all of these have in common: fear.
I don't think it's a fear that I'm "afraid" of something...
It's more so a fear of becoming something other than I'm not, and equally hating that as well.
What's the point of changing if you won't like the result? Or if others won't like the result? It just seems pointless to me. Yet, the idea of change is the only consistent thing we experience as humans.
I guess I'm just trying to say that there's something in my life that's still missing.
A part of me that I find incomplete. And...it isn't God. He's completely there.
I just block out this part of me..
This yearning desire.
Urge.
I contain it.
When you block the thoughts out of your mind, it makes the reality of never finding someone easier to believe. It becomes more acceptable, like a goal you can obtain. It seems reversed, but it makes the desire go away..
This must be the cure for desperation.
If only I could patent it, wrap it, and sell it for a price.
I'd tell the desperate girls that it's ok to live a loveless life.
Maybe I'm not the most effective person, but I CAN focus on being more efficient.
I don't notice what I'm doing well, I only notice what I'm not doing well.
This should probably change..
If you don't know the things you're good at, nobody else will.
At this honest moment, I don't know what I'm feeling, but I know something is missing.
I go through the daily routine and discipline, but although you do these things it doesn't necessarily mean that you're growing.
I want to grow.
I feel like there's so much more to learn and do.
But the idea of this is so overwhelming that you don't know where to begin.
I want to change, but sometimes I think I'm good enough the way I am.
I want to be more outgoing, then I think that it's perfectly acceptable to keep to myself.
I want to be a leader, but part of me is fine with being a follower.
The only thing all of these have in common: fear.
I don't think it's a fear that I'm "afraid" of something...
It's more so a fear of becoming something other than I'm not, and equally hating that as well.
What's the point of changing if you won't like the result? Or if others won't like the result? It just seems pointless to me. Yet, the idea of change is the only consistent thing we experience as humans.
I guess I'm just trying to say that there's something in my life that's still missing.
A part of me that I find incomplete. And...it isn't God. He's completely there.
I just block out this part of me..
This yearning desire.
Urge.
I contain it.
When you block the thoughts out of your mind, it makes the reality of never finding someone easier to believe. It becomes more acceptable, like a goal you can obtain. It seems reversed, but it makes the desire go away..
This must be the cure for desperation.
If only I could patent it, wrap it, and sell it for a price.
I'd tell the desperate girls that it's ok to live a loveless life.
Friday, April 6, 2012
R.I.P. Michael Frey.
I'm grieved to hear about the loss of a guy who went to my high school.
Tonight he took his life by shooting himself.
Sorry if that's too graphic, but I refuse to water down the reality that will eventually hit us all.......death.
Death is the only thing FINAL.
It's so very sad, and I'm praying for Michael's family and friends who will miss him dearly.
Granted, I didn't know him too well, but I do remember having some conversations with him every now and then.
He played baseball with my brother and I saw him around church every now and then.
Last thing I knew about him was that he planned on going into a military branch of some type.
I didn't know him too personally, but I know he was picked on severely growing up.
I know at one point he lived with his grandma.
I don't know if he had siblings...but I do know he probably felt alone..
I'm just upset.
I'm upset that bullying is so strong in our school systems.
I'm angry because it's a cold, hard world out there.
I'm grieved because the world has lost another to suicide.
I hope Michael is resting in peace tonight. I don't know if he had a relationship with Christ, and I'd rather not think about it, but the reality is that he's still dead. I just can't believe it. I can't believe Satan can have such strongholds on us. I can't believe God allows some to attempt suicide and live to tell the story, and others He doesn't.
I'm still in shock.
I can't sleep.
His poor family...they now have an element missing.
An emptiness. Confusion, I'm sure.
It seems so out of nowhere.
You never really know the feelings people may be having deep down.
The suicidal thoughts. The darkness...
At one point, I was there myself....but the love of Christ consumed me and I'm forever thankful for that.
I see lots of people writing on Michael's Facebook about how much they love and miss him...
My thought is, "Why weren't these people telling him this BEFORE this happened!??" Upsetting..
It just really makes me rethink my life. I want to be more loving. I want to tell people, "I LOVE YOU!!" way more often. I never want to be a bully. Heck, I never even want to say anything mean now. Not one little thing....because it may be the thing that drives someone over the edge.
There's at least ONE person out there who cares about you. Who loves you. Who wants to see you succeed in life. Who believes in you. Who thinks about you. Who misses you.
We can't think about the things we didn't do. The things we didn't say. Michael is gone, but we can use this to change the future drastically for people in similar situations. Say hello to someone as you pass them in the hallway, smile as you walk past them, shake their hand, have a small chat....SOMETHING!!!
Reach out to others with the kindness and love of Christ.
You may be the only example of it they see...
And you may be the last one....the last chance.
R.I.P. Michael.
This blog is for you.
Tonight he took his life by shooting himself.
Sorry if that's too graphic, but I refuse to water down the reality that will eventually hit us all.......death.
Death is the only thing FINAL.
It's so very sad, and I'm praying for Michael's family and friends who will miss him dearly.
Granted, I didn't know him too well, but I do remember having some conversations with him every now and then.
He played baseball with my brother and I saw him around church every now and then.
Last thing I knew about him was that he planned on going into a military branch of some type.
I didn't know him too personally, but I know he was picked on severely growing up.
I know at one point he lived with his grandma.
I don't know if he had siblings...but I do know he probably felt alone..
I'm just upset.
I'm upset that bullying is so strong in our school systems.
I'm angry because it's a cold, hard world out there.
I'm grieved because the world has lost another to suicide.
I hope Michael is resting in peace tonight. I don't know if he had a relationship with Christ, and I'd rather not think about it, but the reality is that he's still dead. I just can't believe it. I can't believe Satan can have such strongholds on us. I can't believe God allows some to attempt suicide and live to tell the story, and others He doesn't.
I'm still in shock.
I can't sleep.
His poor family...they now have an element missing.
An emptiness. Confusion, I'm sure.
It seems so out of nowhere.
You never really know the feelings people may be having deep down.
The suicidal thoughts. The darkness...
At one point, I was there myself....but the love of Christ consumed me and I'm forever thankful for that.
I see lots of people writing on Michael's Facebook about how much they love and miss him...
My thought is, "Why weren't these people telling him this BEFORE this happened!??" Upsetting..
It just really makes me rethink my life. I want to be more loving. I want to tell people, "I LOVE YOU!!" way more often. I never want to be a bully. Heck, I never even want to say anything mean now. Not one little thing....because it may be the thing that drives someone over the edge.
There's at least ONE person out there who cares about you. Who loves you. Who wants to see you succeed in life. Who believes in you. Who thinks about you. Who misses you.
We can't think about the things we didn't do. The things we didn't say. Michael is gone, but we can use this to change the future drastically for people in similar situations. Say hello to someone as you pass them in the hallway, smile as you walk past them, shake their hand, have a small chat....SOMETHING!!!
Reach out to others with the kindness and love of Christ.
You may be the only example of it they see...
And you may be the last one....the last chance.
R.I.P. Michael.
This blog is for you.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Passion Week.
This morning I was awakened shortly after 6 am to a text message from a friend.
I decide that it's pointless to go back to sleep, so I reply then get up and read Scripture.
As you know...it's Passion Week.
The week of preparation before the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
I was first reminded that "you should read the Gospels more often".
Then I was reminded, "How passionate are you, Sarah?"
It's Passion Week....Jesus was passionate about us, that's why He died for us.
The MOST painful death anyone can endure, death on the cross.
The most SHAMEFUL death anyone can bare.
The most selfless act of humanity ever demonstrated.
Jesus paid it all.
I was lead to Luke 22-24. These 2 chapters are probably the most powerful chapters in the Bible.
Jesus was betrayed, mocked, led up a hill to face his own death.
As he was praying in the garden before this, He sweat tears of blood.
That's passion.
He was purely human and had humanly emotions.
He was weeping...tears...of...blood.
His body was probably shaking thinking about dying for me.
I just wept. For an hour. As I was reading.
It's Passion Week.
I just want to remind you what we need to be passionate about.
That's Jesus, and Scripture, and our friends who don't have a personal relationship with Christ.
It grieves me....it breaks my heart..
Those were the people Christ was passionate about.
So, if you're out there reading this and you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus, I pray that you would open your heart to Jesus' death on the cross. He died and was resurrected 3 days later for you. This is what we celebrate on Easter, not a huge bunny that hops around dropping off presents at your doorstep.
What are you passionate about?
I pray it's the same things Jesus was passionate about.
I decide that it's pointless to go back to sleep, so I reply then get up and read Scripture.
As you know...it's Passion Week.
The week of preparation before the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
I was first reminded that "you should read the Gospels more often".
Then I was reminded, "How passionate are you, Sarah?"
It's Passion Week....Jesus was passionate about us, that's why He died for us.
The MOST painful death anyone can endure, death on the cross.
The most SHAMEFUL death anyone can bare.
The most selfless act of humanity ever demonstrated.
Jesus paid it all.
I was lead to Luke 22-24. These 2 chapters are probably the most powerful chapters in the Bible.
Jesus was betrayed, mocked, led up a hill to face his own death.
As he was praying in the garden before this, He sweat tears of blood.
That's passion.
He was purely human and had humanly emotions.
He was weeping...tears...of...blood.
His body was probably shaking thinking about dying for me.
I just wept. For an hour. As I was reading.
It's Passion Week.
I just want to remind you what we need to be passionate about.
That's Jesus, and Scripture, and our friends who don't have a personal relationship with Christ.
It grieves me....it breaks my heart..
Those were the people Christ was passionate about.
So, if you're out there reading this and you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus, I pray that you would open your heart to Jesus' death on the cross. He died and was resurrected 3 days later for you. This is what we celebrate on Easter, not a huge bunny that hops around dropping off presents at your doorstep.
What are you passionate about?
I pray it's the same things Jesus was passionate about.
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