Honestly, at one point in time it seemed like nothing here was working out. I wasn't where I wanted to be in life. No stellar jobs were opening up. There was nothing here that I wanted to do or pursue. Everything seemed like a dead end.
Pursue youth ministry - Nope, not the right fit.
Pursue a Master's Degree - Getting accepted doesn't mean you should do it.
Move back home, find a job, pay off bills, save money - I can't go back there.
Pack up everything and move to Wisconsin to start over. - ....getting closer, but no.
Well, if there's anything I've learned through all of this, it is that decision making grieves me at times. I was torn for about a month on the youth pastor position. Do it? Don't do it? Not the right time? Do I need more school? My fear got in the way.
Pursue a Master's Degree? Sure, why not. More school would postpone me having to make any further decisions about my future, postpone my loan payments, and give me more time to think about the future. Plus, it would look good to everyone else around me that I'm still an intellectual who cares about education. Also, it looks freaking good on a resume and could make me more money one day. And make me feel smarter than half the world. Ok, God? Well, no, Sarah, not a good decision either.
Move back home? No, there's a baby in the house now. There is no room for you. Leave the nest already.
Move to Wisconsin? Lead Spanish worship? Just quit your job and use your last $200 to drive up here and make a new life? There's something so extremely frightening about that... yet something so incredibly freeing that I almost did it. But...here's why I didn't.
Pros of Moving to WI:
New life.
Living with some of my best friends.
Their two adorable, precious babies.
Snow!
Already having a church home lined up.
Getting to be involved in the Spanish speaking community! (I have a heart for them.)
Possibly preaching in Spanish fluently one day? (A girl can dream/cast vision!)
Meeting a Spanish man? ay ay ay.
Stepping out of my comfort zone.
Cons of Moving to WI:
Running away from past hurts and broken relationships.
Running from God.
Financial instability until I found a job.
Recent car problems - Would I make it there safely?
Leaving my church here
Quitting my job wouldn't look good on a resume.
Want to know the real reason I couldn't leave?
Because I was planning on doing it the wrong way - discreetly.
I didn't want to tell anyone where I was going, what I would be doing, who I would be living with, why I was leaving. I didn't want to say goodbye to my church, I would just leave. I didn't want to give a proper two weeks notice, I would just call in and quit. I didn't even want to say bye to my family. I would just pack up the car, leave the keys to my house, fill up the tank, and pursue life somewhere else.
Nobody would miss me.
Nobody would care.
Work would hire someone else - I'm very replaceable.
Church has other guitarists - They wouldn't even realize I was gone.
Then...in the midst of all this I had some revelations. While moving away would seem to be new life.. my past would follow me. My hurts and brokenness would still be there. My heart would still be dissatisfied at the end of the day....just hours and hours away. Hours away from family, financial security, a church family that means just as much to me as my blood family, and the place I grew up.
What does this mean?
It means you can't just run away from your problems.
There comes a day when you have to grow up, be mature, and face your past and your fears head on.
How do you do this? It's easy. You wake up one day and pray, "God, I want to grow up. I want to be able to take care of myself. Teach me how. Teach me how to be more like you. Teach me how to be selfless and put others first. Teach me how to control my speech and actions. Teach me how to glorify you in all that I do. Teach me how to have solid spiritual disciplines. Show me more sermons to write. Show me how to deepen my faith. Humble me." You just cry out to God and ask Him to show you how to be a better person - more like Him.
Believe me, if you want it, He will show it to you. You have more things to work on than you realize.
I understand that things don't change overnight, but sometimes you wake up and things just make sense. Things just click. Your brain problem solves and you know what you have to do.
I want a real job.
I want to act my age, but I'm surrounded by people much younger than me.
I want older friends I can learn and mature from.
I want to learn how to meet my physical needs better.
I want to get on a healthy routine/schedule in life.
I want to be even more financially secure.
I want to pursue ministry and marriage someday. Both in their proper times.
I want to be seen as a professional.
I want to be seen as a pastor - a role model for young girls.
I want to be confident and believe in myself.
I woke up and realized the only thing holding me back from these things was myself. Andy Mineo said something once, "My biggest enemy is me, and even I can't stop me."
I knew I couldn't run. It wouldn't get me anywhere. I had to stay and face my fears, make things right, enjoy my family while they were still close, work to save up and pay off debt.
I had to get myself out of this hole I threw myself into...with God's help, obviously. I'm not saying I'm finished, but I'm ready to step up and be mature about it and make changes. One of my good friends told me bluntly that I need to stop complaining about my situation and just change it if I didn't like it. I'm going to do just that.
"God wants you to just make a decision and stick with it. You've been trying to survive for so long now that you need to pick something and just stick with it. You can stay there or come here, but just pick and do it. You say you're coming and then you're not. If you're going to stay there then stop complaining about it and change your situation."
"God wants you to just make a decision and stick with it. You've been trying to survive for so long now that you need to pick something and just stick with it. You can stay there or come here, but just pick and do it. You say you're coming and then you're not. If you're going to stay there then stop complaining about it and change your situation."
Wisconsin had a lot to offer, but it wouldn't have been the right decision. I would have moved there and ended up doing the same thing I'm doing here, just hours away. I would have been going for the wrong reasons and motives and, well, that just doesn't settle well with God.
I absolutely believe that God can call us to a specific location. I also believe that God has us rooted somewhere for a reason, and it just wasn't my time to leave yet. He's still molding me and using me where I am so why pack up and move away from the very thing He is desiring me to do?
It is time to mature and settle into what God is doing in me, in my church, and in my family. He is fixing it all. He is aligning things up for my future that I know nothing about. I need to enjoy my time here instead of fighting it and wishing I were doing something else.
It's time to grow up, be an adult, and learn maturity in all that I do. I'm ready to move forward from the past, and embrace all that God has for my future. The hardest part is being willing to be humbled and lay down your fear in that entire process. Like I said, it won't happen overnight, but I know this is what God desires of us.
It's time to grow up, Sarah. Take responsibility for your actions, deal with your issues, face your problems, and make wiser choices for the future.
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