Mid-Year Reflect.

It appears as though nearly half the year has gone by and I have utterly failed at all of my New Year's resolutions. (See previous blog post.) But....that's okay. The Lord has really been showing me that there is not even one ounce of guilt, shame, or condemnation for those who are His children. 

The world tells me that it's about performance. This has become particularly evident with graduations happening about this time of year. The long robes, the multi-colored cords that hang from your neck, the plaques, awards, trophies, etc. Those are all awesome achievements! They definitely deserve respect and honor, and they all took hard work and excellence. It glorifies God, that's for sure. But, even then, God must be honored outside the classroom too, and outside of the numerous activities we can be involved in. 

It's been two years since I graduated college and really just feel like I have nothing to show for it except a bunch of debt, and the daily financial strains it has caused my family. However, I remind myself that I did finish. I'm the first to finish. That's something to be proud of, but something to be humble about...because now I work two jobs trying to knock out my debt while I'm young. The debt weighs on me. My car payment weighs on me. I feel guilty for buying clothes, even the small things like a bottle of water or gum. Budgeting has helped me, certainly, but the debt still weighs over my head and my heart for my family. 

I know something radical is about to happen. I'm thinking about selling everything I have just to pay off as much debt as possible. Sell my car. Sell every nice thing I have of worth. I've considered travelling to another country to teach English as a Second Language. Getting my TESOL certificate. If I leave the country for 2 years I can pay all of my debt off. Yet, if I stay, I will be paying on it for at least the next 10 years. I just want to be free.

These two ideas aren't really related, just something I've been thinking about a lot. Many times I've just dreaded reading my Bible, and I just haven't done it. Worship became dull. Life seemed dark for awhile there, but God is the hope that saves me and continues to save me each day. Moving, starting a new job, attending a new church, etc, has been really great for me. I just know there's something more. There's something more radical God is calling me to do. I just want to know what that is. 

Today I traded shifts with someone and got to sleep in. I got to wake up and listen to worship with a clear mind - not tired. I got to journal and be inspired. God isn't calling us to live a life NOT free. He calls us to live free. I left that time feeling inspired and encouraged and full of hope for the future. I won't always have debt. I won't always work two jobs. I will get to travel the world someday. I will get to do the radical things God is calling me to do!

Sorry..this is probably an incomplete thought with bad transitions between idea concepts, but does anybody else feel this way??

Some NEW New Year's Resolutions, or Mid-Year Resolutions....haha... are these: 

Note: I've given up the performance based resolutions...time for the real hard stuff God wants to show me.

1. Accept God's grace for myself.
2. Accept God's goodness through the dark and happy times both.
3. Forgive yourself. 
4. Walk in freedom.
5. Keep being a financial beast.
6. Travel more.
7. View singleness as a God-given opportunity to better yourself, progress towards the future, and serve God to the fullest.
8. Clean eating.
9. Join Fusion Fitness and within 1 year be in the best physical shape of my life.
10. Stop living in fear.
11. Stop living in fear.
12-infinity: STOP LIVING IN FEAR. 

Actually, there is a 13: Accept God's love for me, and ultimately, accept Him as my Father.