The Final Goodbye.

"This is my final goodbye"...
I've heard this 3 times so far.
Apparently, there is no such thing as a "final goodbye", at least not in this scenario anyway.

You didn't give me a chance to tell you how I feel. You just said, "drop it". "How can I just drop something like this?", "You realize that nothings gonna change. You need to just move on with your life." Great. Well, thank you. I do believe I have changed over the past few years, I mean, how could you not? 3 Years is a long time to be stagnant, if it's even possible. Everything changes. Everyday something changes. Society changes. Our emotions change how many times a day? My theme here is "change".

So, maybe you do need a change of pace, and a need for space. I get it. BUT, I don't expect you to be someone you're not, and I like you for being YOU. You shouldn't expect me to be something I'm not either...because it's unhealthy. Right? That's what you said.

I just feel like you can't run away from something so easily. You said you'd never leave, but "never" is one of those absolute commitments. But, what is commitment to you? Wait, you know nothing about this word. The only thing you're committed to is yourself. I know I'm selfish too sometimes, but you're selfishness is ruining everything. It makes sense that you left God so long ago...because God despises selfishness.

I'm not sure what happened...but one weekend said it all.
You leave, come back, and suddenly you end it.
I feel like you broke up with me...even though we never really had anything going on in the first place. I guess that's what happens when you get so close to someone over so long of time. I'm not sure who said something to you, or what exactly they said to you, but I find it sad that ONE person can change your perspective and tell you what to do...and you listen to them. They only person who has that much influence in my life is God. But you are listening to another voice.

I feel like this is all stupid. But I'm not taking it personally. I respect your decision. Sometimes I can be overwhelmingly clingy, and annoying. I really do understand that. Wanting space is something we all go through. You said you were "b.s.-ing" me for the past two months... I'm not really sure what that means, but that probably explains why you've been rude and insulting to me a lot more.

I'm making the most of my life. I'm in the best place I could be. I have the best life I could ask for. You say you're happy, and if I made you happy then you wouldn't leave.. I guess that's not true.

I just don't get why we can't make this work? We have to know what we're doing wrong before we can make changes. The "change" I spoke of earlier. Maybe you need to figure things out..and I have to let you go do that. I deserved a better reason and explanation. You wished me well. I couldn't utter a word. Shocked in confusion. I'm not sure I know how to get over this, but healing will come quick. It has before. I pray God finds you one day. He will add more meaning to your life than I will. I feel bad for getting in the way of things. I'm sorry you lost hope in our friendship and ultimately in me.

So be it. "The Final Goodbye".

In Transit.

So...I'm in transit. Well, transition, that is.
I'm on the "church hunt".
What a shame it would be to go to Central Bible College and to only have ONE view of what church looks like. How church is. Not knowing different types of worship, and what different congregations look like.
I feel like my options are limited where I'm at.
I've been in the same church since I started going to church for the first time in my life since I was 16. Lots of good memories and discipling happening. Recently I've been going to a different church a lot, feeling the ultimate transition about to happen. Just waiting on timing. But, lately I've been feeling so much tension with that decision too.

Which leads me to this...confusion.
Church should not be confusing.
Developing a habit of church hopping isn't good, but I think it makes us more open minded to the exposure of varieties of churches. Almost like potatoes. There are soo many different forms of potatoes, and they're alll delicious. Baked. Twice baked. Hashbrowns. Scalloped. Mashed. Red. Sweet. Grilled...and my favorite, fried.

Church should have variety. Varieties of people. Ages. Colors. Music. Cultures. Diversity.
I guess I know what I'm looking for now...

Every year CBC has the Church Expo day, which was yesterday.
I went...searching for something that would "fit" and be the new place I call my "church home". I go to a few booths, and I feel like each one had divine tendencies. The first church I knew the College and Career pastors and that would for sure be a SICK C&C group to be in. Fo sho. I knew the niece of the second church's pastors. However, it wasn't until I was eating by myself, in a rush to get to class, that the pastor from another church sought me out.

THEY SOUGHT ME OUT!!! Like, they came over, introduced themselves, and seriously talked me into attending their church. I was sold at the simple fact that she went out of her way to chat with me. AND, she just so happened to tell me her church has everything to offer me. I'm sure they all say this, but I had a list of specifics in my mind going into the cafeteria that day.

1. Spanish is still a calling on my life. Whether that be missions, music, translation. Who knows. It's my heritage and I really want to get into it. I've always wanted to attend a Spanish church, but it was simply a dream that I'd never considered actually doing. It wasn't until working for AG Headquarters doing Fine Arts that I deeply felt impressed to accomplish this. While finishing registration forms for a Spanish church, I felt like, "man. I could really do this one day."
2. Music. Pretty obvious one...but what if you combine Spanish AND music. Man, that'd be great. I'm not that great at music yet. I mean, I can play a little piano, know a few chord progressions and keys on guitar, and TRY to sing...but I'm not proficient in any of these to actually audition for anything. UNLESS someone would be willing to teach me, then I'm a fast learner and could be useful. Until then, I'll just continue my Music and Aural theory studies until I learn something. lol.
3. I want something completely different than what I'm used to. I want to attend a thriving church with LOTS of kids my age who are in school or studying music, or just have similar interests.

So..the lady from Life360 Iglesia del Pueblo church pretty much sold me.
She begged me to go to her booth and get her information, while giving me lots of free stuff. What more could I want? haha.
I wrap it up and begin walking away. She says, "I'll see you Sunday at 4". I reply, "Ok. See you then!". She says, "Seriously.. you better be there." Me, "haha. I will! I want to try out your church. Can I do music? Or is that even a possibility". Her reply, "We will talk about it after service." Big smiles. I left happy.

She sought me out.
I felt like someone actually wanted me at their church.
I haven't felt like that since I got saved.
Best part: Church service is at 4pm on Sundays. Perfect. I can get homework and laundry done, and even attend another church for morning service if I really wanted.
I'm looking forward to this....I pray God will clearly let me know if this is His direction for me or not. It couldn't feel more right...

As far as Wednesdays and other Sunday services, I will probably still go to the same church I just started going to recently. We will see what happens. :D

Evictions, Court Dates, and Rap Music.

From the very title of this blog....you have reason to believe I'm backsliding. HA!

That's what you think.......it very well may possibly be true. Who knows. I don't. But what I do know is that all of these make for an interesting blog. So here goes:

Happy 4th of July!! Yay for freedom. I enjoyed waking up to a text saying "We have to move out." Made. My. Day. Especially if you knew how fancy the place I was moving from, and how NOT fancy the place I'm going to is.

Last week I'm swimming in a rich lady's pool....
This week my bathroom door falls off the wall and breaks my ceiling fan.
Wowza.

So...eviction. Probably one of Satan's genius ideas to get people angry at the world. Just a guess. The best part? Is that I've been praying for an opportunity, and who knew that God would place you right in the center of that. Literally.

Next big thing: COURT!! The beloved judicial system of this country..
Which kind of goes along with the whole "Happy 4th of July!" theme I'm going for.

If I may preach for a second:
Freedom isn't free. Soldies fight for our country, and we support them. We may not support the war they're in, but still. The price for our sin....wasn't free. Our soldiers step in and fight for us, and Jesus stepped in and fought for us. Basically, walking into a court room is just like walking into church. At least that's how it felt..

You walk in.
Huge pews.
Some sort of crowd: big or small.
Awaiting judgment.
The judge walks in...
You stand in respect, and be quiet.
He calls your name.
You plead guilty.
He charges you a fine...which is virtually a slap on the hand compared to what you deserve.
Then you leave.

Some people...have different destinations. When you leave the court room, based on what your charge was and what you plead, you are lead to a different room, or to the payment clerk so you can pay and leave.

I felt nervous and scared at first....
I'd never done this. Or knew what to expect.
But when it came time for the judge to call my name, I felt peace.
I would go up there, tell him what happened, how I got in a car accident, then pay and leave.
That's exactly what I did.

When Jesus calls your name, and judgment day comes...I'm sure it will be something like this.




Where does the rap music come in?
Well...when I became a Christian I threw away all my rap and hip hop music. "Bad" music, right? Well. I think that was the moment I lost who I was. So much time invested and searching....I identified with it. Then I threw it away. To follow Jesus, and be more holy. And to listen to more "holy" music. Because "Christian" music makes you more holy, right?

Well...my perspective on this is changing. How can anything creative be labeled "good" or "bad"? It's merely self expression.. God gives us creativity, and Christian music could DEFINITELY be more creative. I mean, why the HECK has Lady Gaga taken over the universe?? Clearly there are some songs, or artists that just don't measure up. And my mind is opening up to this idea again...the way it did before God radically changed my life.

Art is abstract to me again.
Music = enjoying life.
If I want to have a drink, I will. I'm old enough, and can control it.
If I want to hang out with sinners, I will.
Why should we limit ourselves? I've felt sooo limited and self restricting for SO long. TOO LONG.
This is no longer acceptable. I can express myself however I want to.

Listening to a certain genre of music, doesn't make me any less "holy" than any other church goer. Having a drink doesn't make me an alcoholic. Dancing, or "rhythmic movement" if you're a Christian, doesn't make me a loser.

Ok...I'm done venting. I have other words...but this sounds like a ramble.
I just think ministry would be more effective if we INCLUDED ourselves into more worldly things merely because we can use it to relate to the lost. Let's not ISOLATE ourselves from half of the world and not be able to reach them.

Don't think I'm "promoting sin". I'm merely saying that before I gave everything up, I could relate to more people. Now, I haven't led one person to Christ (that I know of, only God truly knows). Why is this?

Just something to think about..

Craziest week of my life.

So...let me first start off by saying that sometimes your life just feels like a car wreck. In fact, it's literal at times.

Last week I got in an accident which totaled my car. 2 other SUV's involved, and old woman who fled the scene. (I constantly question old people driving, no offense, but seriously.)

Forwarning: this note could be a little pessimistic....until the end. :) Bare with.

Let's start at the beginning..

Last week my mom was just saying how she wouldn't have vacation for another year because of the new job she was about to get. :( I was sad. Then, the next day I get a text at work saying, "Are you gonna come visit me today!?" My reply, "In South Dakota, no!" To my surprise, they'd driven overnight and would be seeing me when I got off work that evening. Yay!

To my dismay, I get in a car wreck the next day. Way to ruin it, Sarah.
Actually, the accident wasn't entirely my fault. Yes, I blame the old lady who pulled out in front of the 2 SUV's that I rear ended. I LOVE the fact that she DROVE AWAY like a proper old lady would do. Yes. Thank you. (I'm a little bitter. Can you tell?)

Anyway, I feel like I ruined the ONE weekend my parents would be down for the next year. That's 365 days. And that's a long time. Especially if nothing good happens in the time they're here. Well. Nothing "fun", rather. I am grateful that they were here, just so they wouldn't be worrying about me while they're 10 hours away. Also, I had no idea what to do about being in a car accident, and I have no idea what steps to take to deal with something of such parameters.

Side note: my phone charger isn't working, and my parents spend a small fortune getting me a new smart phone (and waiting in line for hours to get it), as well as paying towing fees, and such. Not to mention paying for my summer school class that started this week too.

Basically. Long weekend. Little time with them, BUT the time I did spend with them, it was talking about the accident, and how to fix this mess. Running to the insurance company, to the car smasher, and back and forth between family's houses. Oh, and spending ALL DAY in the emergency room waiting for me to get xrays and scans on my neck and chest. Great fun!!!! (sarcasm)

The weekend ends....my parents leave...probably in a worse state than when they got here. :/ On their way home they receive a call from work saying that they were shutting down the side of the plant that my stepdad works on. He'll be out of work for the next week. They tell him to just stay home. IF ONLY they had gotten that call before they were 8 hours into their 10 hour trip....life could have been better. Instead, they got home to an empty house, feeling like that was probably the least relaxing "vacation" of their life.

We could have had another week together......and it could have been a happier less stressful one.......we were all upset. What's even more upsetting is waking up the next day to hear that a great aunt had passed away. IF ONLY they had gotten that phone call sooner, they could have attended the funeral. Since they were already back home, it's expensive to turn right around and come back.

UGH. At this point....I felt like dying....which is ironic with a car wreck and whatnot. Bruised chest. (air bag didn't deploy), and a neck rash from the seatbelt (similar to a carpet burn). Soreness. And just moping in the "soreness" of life. If you will.

Now, the application part:
What I've learned from all of this...

1. Time spend with family is cherished. No matter what you're doing. At the end of the day you were surrounded by people who love you. Even if you deal with a car crash and death in the same weekend.

2. Life is precious. I was talking to my grandma after the wreck. I said that if I had died I would be with Jesus right now instead of dealing with all of this. She said, "It wasn't your time." This may sound dumb...or obvious....but Sarah...wake up. Life has meaning, no matter how terrible it seems. How treacherous it seems. How difficult it seems. There MUST be SOME lesson God is teaching me. And I think it's to learn how to deal with trials. I've never been good at this. I'd rather cry like a baby than deal with life. We're all victims of life. Sometimes it really feels like that but IT DOESN'T HAVE TO. That's what I learned. Also, there's an odd "coincidence" (if you will, for lack of a better word. I know "Christians" don't believe in such, they believe in "divine appointment". Still.) that my parents just so happen to be in town when I get in a wreck. How convenient on my end. Also, the 2 other SUV's involved were from my hometown. I KNOW. How crazy is that. My parents actually knew them....

3. A Bible is the best gift anyone could ever receive. You can argue...but I won't. It's true. I wasn't raised in a Christian home, so when my mom visited this weekend and was searching through my room for a Bible, I figured this is a prime opportunity to get my mom a nice Bible. With her name on it. That I designed and picked out. In the midst of all this distress, one thing remains. Stands strong, and is forever faithful: God. I hope she finds that out too. (I bought my roommate one also).
I'm expecting big things........God's at work already. Now we wait.

4. Friendships end. They come and go like the sun and moon. It's one of the saddest realities I've faced the past few years. Most definitely. What stinks the most is that you've tried so many times to make something work and it just doesn't. It never will, but you keep trying. You love them, and are wearing yourself thin by trying to invest in a lost cause. Love isn't a lost cause, but the situation is...
There is nothing else on this earth worth living for except love. Nothing. Nothing will ever compare to the feeling you get when you love someone. It can be the best feeling, but when the love is lacking it can be the worst....most dreadful, deepest pain any human can go through emotionally. And it lasts much longer than any physical pain..

So...how will I apply this to my life? Well. Good question.
I plan on loving without getting hurt in the process.
Watching what I do, and what others do. (mainly old lady drivers). My grandma said I need to watch for grey hair and wrinkles. (this will probably make me wreck faster next time). lol
Enjoy your family. Even the bad moments with them.....

Finally, enjoy your life. Enjoy living. Enjoy the air you breathe. The times you just sit on the couch and relax. The times you think you're "bored". Don't dread going to work the next day. Drink water. Eat healthier. Have more control over your emotions, the situation and atmosphere around you. Have a refreshed and renewed mind every morning when you wake up. Laugh more. Even at other people. Sometimes it helps. :) Accomplish things. Don't be lazy, but motivated. Be intellectual. Think deep. Be happy.

Just some thoughts to help deal with life.....even if it does feel like a car wreck.

A Roommate Kinda Love.

You know you love your roommate when...




You find a snake in your room, and the next day she leaves you a love letter on your pillow with chocolates beside it. Love me some chocolate. :)




She expresses her love by burning you a "Best Love Mix" album. The first track being "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye. ;)




She rearranges to meet your needs. Even if you don't notice until a week later.





She helps plan your barbecue celebration for getting a new job!! And buys stuff for it! And makes invitations.





She knows what's important to you.





She's there when you need her. And she gives you even more than you could ever ask for. She takes care of you, and you love spending time together. She makes a house feel like home. When you don't have one. <3

If You've Grieved, You Truly Loved.

When you love someone....you just can't let it go. You never will. That's why it's "love". It never fails. Always perseveres. It never disappoints, and is always enough. We may not FEEL like it's enough, but feelings are deceiving. I've felt depressed for most of my life after high school. In fact, there was a time when I didn't even feel like getting out of bed that day. Instead, I'd rather just lay there and cry. Dying seemed like the only way out, and a very good option at that. I'd never have the guts to actually kill myself, or cause myself pain in any way. I hate pain, and I hate having to endure it.

Grieving....the gut wrenching feeling you get when you hear that certain someone's name, think about them, have a flashback, or a memory continually repeat itself...
Such a heavy burden you almost fall to your knees..

You love them so much, that you want every part of their life but there's nothing you can do about the life they're living. Well...I imagine that's how Jesus feels sometimes. I know God is hearing my thoughts, seeing my actions, and hearing my words and He's probably got some interesting thoughts about them.

I fall short of the glory of God everyday....I always will.
I'll never be enough, but still He wants me.
I'm so unloving and unkind, and down right selfish. But he still loves me back. Even when I don't desire him. Why? Because He's so merciful and faithful. Man. If you truly grasp this thought it's soooo profound.

God....the Almighty....Creator of heaven and earth, divine healer, Alpha and Omega, why don't people want this amazing love!!!?? I just don't get it. To go from sensing death everyday of your life, to basking in the love that feels like a ray of sunshing beating on your entire body. It's the best feeling in the world. Better than I would imagine sex to be. Better than winning the lottery. Better than sipping a martini in a hammock, or anything else this world could ever try to offer me.

.....Sometimes it just doesn't feel like it's enough. And recently I've figured out why. "Why Sarah, why isn't Jesus enough for you?" I couldn't figure it out. BUT, it hit me. Jesus isn't enough for me, because I don't LET HIM BE. I think to myself about all these things I want God to do for me, when really, I don't just be still and let God be God. We stress ourselves over trying to control things we have absolutely no pull on. We're paranoid about finances, and if we'll ever run outta money. We're obsessive about the opposite sex, and finding a mate.

WHY?
Well...usually when there's an element missing from our spiritual lives, it's probably ourselves. If I'm just not getting anything from daily Bible reading, it's probably because I'm taking myself out of it and not truly listening, absorbing, memorizing. It's because I'm looking for the blessing. It's because I want something from God....with a bad motive. Selfishness. Pride.

We'll never be good enough for God. My whole life that's how I felt. But although everyone else rejects and hurts you because you're not enough. God says He wants us FOR that very reason. He came to take the pain away. And He does. With a love so divine, nothing else could ever compare.

Have you ever just been staring off into space and you start crying? For no reason? Ok, maybe that's just me....but you realize God loves you. How could anyone love me? Nothing can separate us from the love of God. There's such a strong bond between Creator and creation, we're MADE to experience that in a relationship with Christ. That IS why He created us, to love us.

Man....I'm deep thinking tonight.
Back to love... if you grieve someone, you truly loved them. That's all there is to it. On late nights like these it comes back to creep on ya. It creeps up, and before you know it you're stuck missing them for the next few days. You love them. You always will. Maybe it's not in God's plan, but loving others is.

Saggy, Wrinkled. Butt Cheeks.

HAHAHAHA. Oh....peopleofwalmart website....have I got a picture for you!!

The walmart cashier was laughing as we were following behind her trying to take her picture. hahaha. She continued laughing as she rang up her transaction. I had to put my hand over my mouth...I couldn't be rude in public. lol. I left telling the clerk to "Have a good night."

Unforgettable.