At Church We Talk About Dead Things..

There's so much going on in my brain right now... I just had to write it down.
There's so much changing and I've never felt like I'm learning this much at one time....even in a Bible class.
You can learn ABOUT ministry, but it's different than actually DOING it.

I've been at my internship for a few weeks now and...it's different. It's definitely not what I expected, but it isn't LESS than I expected either. It's perfect. I know God is teaching me a lot about ministry, the "church", people, and what my role may one day be within the church. I'm learning how a church operates. Everything from the office work, playing music for the youth, learning how prayer chains operate, to doing the small things that everyone else thinks they're too good to do.

Today I learned how hospital visits should go. It's interesting because I've never "learned" about this stuff before, and I haven't been in too many hospitals to visit people to tell you the truth. They freak me out and I'm certain I would get lost trying to navigate myself around. The gowns...the food....the sick people. No wonder God works miracles in those places. Otherwise, they'd just be hopeless.

Tonight I specifically learned 3 reasons for privacy.
1. Discussion of private information.
-The patient may find it uncomfortable for you to know certain things about them...
2. Change in hospital attire.
-I was told that there is NO way of getting up on that table without an invasion of privacy.... literally.
3. They always ask, "Do you need to use the restroom?"
-Once again....there's NO way to successfully get off the table without another invasion of privacy.

I learned there's no such thing as clergy parking which pretty much ruined my day because I already have a Clergy sign hanging on my mirror. Oh well.... *sighs with great disappointment

There's just sooo many little things I never thought of!! For example, wasting half a tank of gas trying to find the nearest spot when you can just pick the first parking lot you see and get there way faster even if the spot is the furthest from the building. Oh, and one should always carry an umbrella. For rain protection and "crazies" protection... "because 2am is when the crazies come out".

Never ask permission to pray. Just do it.
Realize that you're not there for a visit, you're there to bring their health issue to Jesus.
Be conversational, big prayers mean nothing.

I just feel so enlightened. It's like opening up another part of my brain that I've never used before.
"Pastoral counseling is spelled C.A.R.E." - You can't make this stuff up. It's just too good.

So...my internship. I get to follow the pastor around on Wednesdays and Sundays. I get there an hour and a half early to just talk about how a church functions, hear crazy stories that have happened, and to learn many other things. I will be doing hospital visits, in home sick call visits, and potentially some funerals and weddings!!! How exciting, yet scary is that. Last Sunday I was asked to say the opening prayer before morning service.. I was nervous, but the Holy Spirit led. Tonight I talked in youth and had no idea what I was saying.

You know the Holy Spirit is guiding you when you walk off stage and forget everything you just said, but you know that the audience was listening intently. Or maybe it's just because I told crazy true stories and threw in some drug dealer relative or told them the reason I even started going to church was because of a boy I liked.

Hum....it pays to just be yourself. The church sees that, and hopefully they accept it. If not, you move on.
I feel like I'm accepted....because the kids call me "squared" because there's already a leader named Sarah. haha. Sarah squared...."squared"....get it?

I'm starting to get to know some people from the church. There are these former missionaries to Colombia and we talk in Spanish! The music leader couple wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow night! I'm signed up to be on the prayer chain and to take the next available class. (I had no idea you needed a class for a prayer chain. lol)

Next week's agenda: learning about people in psych wards. I just can't wait!!!

Oh, and tonight was the worship leader's last night playing for the youth.  At the end of the night he handed me his folder with chord sheets in it. I feel so privileged, yet challenged to do my best. I will stand before God one day and will be evaluated on how well I led them into the presence of God. It's my job to teach them how to worship....the reason for worship...and why God desires our worship. I'm so very excited. I get to play guitar....and who knows, maybe even start giving lessons. I want God to build this up, I just hope to lay the bare foundation and let Him take over from there.

So...about the church.
It's in the middle of nowhere.
It's tiny.
They play traditional music...which I'm learning to appreciate. You never appreciate such good worship at Bible College until you realize when you're lacking in worship. However, the worship here isn't lacking, that's where my theology is wrong...the music is just different. It's about 60 years old. It's completely different. I'm starting to understand it. I'm starting to learn the song structures...words...rhythms... it's all starting to make sense. I feel the Holy Spirit moving in these rich song themes and stories within the songs.. The plan is to learn some updated hymns to sort of transition the church into some more contemporary worship..

We're transitioning from a small to medium size church...and may start having a traditional and contemporary service. I really hope this happens and more young people start coming to the church! I hope the youth grows! I just have such vision for where this could go...where God could lead...

This is all a huge step out of my comfort zone.
I feel so inadequate because I barely know anything about the church.
I feel too immature to be a part of something so big and serious.
I know these next 2 and a half months will be insane. Crazy busy. Awesome. Intimidating. Scary. Overwhelming...and fun.

AND....while all of this is taking place. I'm managing 2 online classes. Working a full-time, 8-4:30 job. Learning to adapt to having 2 roommates. Learning to be in the "real world"...although I feel like I've already been there awhile.

I feel like life is finally coming together, and I'm happy with that. It isn't perfect, and it definitely isn't glamorous, but I feel like I have a home, a career, a mighty God, and I'm learning to love myself and others in the process, while learning very practical things about life.

Praise God for all of this. Without Him I'd be dead.

Finding Adventure in God.

After finishing up what was most definitely the worst semester I've had in college yet, I find myself sitting here thinking about all the things I need to work on. It's motivating, yet overwhelming at the same time. I just think, "I'll never be good enough.", "I'll never be perfect." So what is the point of trying? There's always something I can improve on, something I can do better, something I can keep practicing... but it never seems to be enough. I just can't be satisfied with myself.

Maybe this is my perfectionist mentality kicking in...that everything has to be perfect, or maybe it's my perfectionist mentality checking out...that I just don't care anymore.

I know I'm supposed to be the person God's called me to be...but what if I just want to be myself for a moment. I want to be the person I want to be. What if I feel like God's standards are too high for me? I get tired of trying to play perfect. I want to make mistakes and be okay with it. I want to be okay with not being the best guitar player in the world. I want to be okay with not caring about what people think...but instead, all of these things bug me...all day long.

I want to be okay with not answering that one word text message.
I want to be okay with having fuzzy curly hair for the rest of my life.
I want to be okay with the way I look and dress.

I'm just tired of everything having to be perfect.
I don't have to be paranoid about using perfect grammar or punctuation.
I don't have to have every part of my outfit matching.
I don't have to match my socks.
Things don't have to be done a certain way....one certain way...
Not everything has to be prim and proper.

I guess I'm just saying that I want to do what I want to do.
Explore new things.
Go new places.
It's not that I want to break free from God, but rather I need to find the adventure in God.
All I hear is, "God's gonna use you to do great things!! Things you cannot even imagine!"
Well, if I can't imagine them, why would I want to do them? Or even know what these "things" are?


I just hate the spiritual answers. I know they're supposed to solve everything, but they often do the opposite.
Pray more. Seek God more. What is "more" is never enough? And...it won't be. We know this because God always wants more of us...but see, there's this tension because Satan wants more of me as well...
And quite honestly Satan's way seems happier nearly every time.


I'm just done trying to be perfect.
I just have to follow the Perfect example...knowing I will fail, but living to tell the story.

Letting Go.

I've held onto this for far too long..
I can't let go of the very thing that's killing me.
It's all working out in my mind...but on the outside it's not as great as it seems.

I'm trying my hardest to maintain this victimized state.
Really, it's just my own fault.
I put myself in this situation in the first place.

I'm just hurt.
You don't even care.
You don't even know I'm here.

This is the hardest thing I've had to do.
But God will have nothing less than all of me.
I have to let you go..

As much as I want to help you,
I've been draining myself dry.
I'm surprised I have tears to cry.

I had a dream..
You hadn't changed a bit.
5 years, you stayed the same.
Same bad habits, same lifestyle.
I see more potential than you see in yourself.
This dream...it couldn't be true.

I was sure you'd come around.
Change...and get back on track.
That we'd have a life together.
That we'd be happy, in fact.

I can't keep fighting this.
This same routine..
You say it's just, "a different theology".
I walked away shattered.

But I just kept going..
I didn't know whereto..
I kept going..
I didn't need you.

God's the only one.
The only one that stands True.
The only one who loves me..
He loves you too..

We're both just hurt,
But there's nothing I can do.
I've tried to fix you.
I don't know what else to do..

You have a broken heart.
It's ok, I do too..
But mine's broken..
Because of you.

Your careless words.
You left me out to dry.
In the drenching rain..
You left me alone to cry.

I stood outside your window.
Watching your life go by.
You thought you were ok..
But you were living a lie.

One day you'll wake up,
But it will be too late.
That ship has sailed..
And you're a day too late.

You'll realize that you wasted your life.
Never satisfied..
Filled with emptiness..

I can't say that I never tried.

The Cure for Desperation.

Sometimes I focus on the things that need to be changed, and not so much on the things I'm already doing well. Mainly because I think I'm good at something, until I realize that there's always someone out there who can do it better.

Maybe I'm not the most effective person, but I CAN focus on being more efficient.
I don't notice what I'm doing well, I only notice what I'm not doing well.
This should probably change..
If you don't know the things you're good at, nobody else will.

At this honest moment, I don't know what I'm feeling, but I know something is missing.
I go through the daily routine and discipline, but although you do these things it doesn't necessarily mean that you're growing.

I want to grow.
I feel like there's so much more to learn and do.
But the idea of this is so overwhelming that you don't know where to begin.

I want to change, but sometimes I think I'm good enough the way I am.
I want to be more outgoing, then I think that it's perfectly acceptable to keep to myself.
I want to be a leader, but part of me is fine with being a follower.

The only thing all of these have in common: fear.
I don't think it's a fear that I'm "afraid" of something...
It's more so a fear of becoming something other than I'm not, and equally hating that as well.

What's the point of changing if you won't like the result? Or if others won't like the result? It just seems pointless to me. Yet, the idea of change is the only consistent thing we experience as humans.

I guess I'm just trying to say that there's something in my life that's still missing.
A part of me that I find incomplete. And...it isn't God. He's completely there.

I just block out this part of me..
This yearning desire.
Urge.
I contain it.
When you block the thoughts out of your mind, it makes the reality of never finding someone easier to believe. It becomes more acceptable, like a goal you can obtain. It seems reversed, but it makes the desire go away..
This must be the cure for desperation.
If only I could patent it, wrap it, and sell it for a price.
I'd tell the desperate girls that it's ok to live a loveless life.

R.I.P. Michael Frey.

I'm grieved to hear about the loss of a guy who went to my high school.
Tonight he took his life by shooting himself.
Sorry if that's too graphic, but I refuse to water down the reality that will eventually hit us all.......death.
Death is the only thing FINAL.

It's so very sad, and I'm praying for Michael's family and friends who will miss him dearly.
Granted, I didn't know him too well, but I do remember having some conversations with him every now and then.
He played baseball with my brother and I saw him around church every now and then.
Last thing I knew about him was that he planned on going into a military branch of some type.
I didn't know him too personally, but I know he was picked on severely growing up.
I know at one point he lived with his grandma.
I don't know if he had siblings...but I do know he probably felt alone..

I'm just upset.
I'm upset that bullying is so strong in our school systems.
I'm angry because it's a cold, hard world out there.
I'm grieved because the world has lost another to suicide.

I hope Michael is resting in peace tonight. I don't know if he had a relationship with Christ, and I'd rather not think about it, but the reality is that he's still dead. I just can't believe it. I can't believe Satan can have such strongholds on us. I can't believe God allows some to attempt suicide and live to tell the story, and others He doesn't.

I'm still in shock.
I can't sleep.
His poor family...they now have an element missing.
An emptiness. Confusion, I'm sure.
It seems so out of nowhere.

You never really know the feelings people may be having deep down.
The suicidal thoughts. The darkness...
At one point, I was there myself....but the love of Christ consumed me and I'm forever thankful for that.

I see lots of people writing on Michael's Facebook about how much they love and miss him...
My thought is, "Why weren't these people telling him this BEFORE this happened!??" Upsetting..
It just really makes me rethink my life. I want to be more loving. I want to tell people, "I LOVE YOU!!" way more often. I never want to be a bully. Heck, I never even want to say anything mean now. Not one little thing....because it may be the thing that drives someone over the edge.

There's at least ONE person out there who cares about you. Who loves you. Who wants to see you succeed in life. Who believes in you. Who thinks about you. Who misses you.

We can't think about the things we didn't do. The things we didn't say. Michael is gone, but we can use this to change the future drastically for people in similar situations. Say hello to someone as you pass them in the hallway, smile as you walk past them, shake their hand, have a small chat....SOMETHING!!!

Reach out to others with the kindness and love of Christ.
You may be the only example of it they see...
And you may be the last one....the last chance.

R.I.P. Michael.
This blog is for you.

Passion Week.

This morning I was awakened shortly after 6 am to a text message from a friend.
I decide that it's pointless to go back to sleep, so I reply then get up and read Scripture.

As you know...it's Passion Week.
The week of preparation before the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
I was first reminded that "you should read the Gospels more often".
Then I was reminded, "How passionate are you, Sarah?"
It's Passion Week....Jesus was passionate about us, that's why He died for us.

The MOST painful death anyone can endure, death on the cross.
The most SHAMEFUL death anyone can bare.
The most selfless act of humanity ever demonstrated.
Jesus paid it all.

I was lead to Luke 22-24. These 2 chapters are probably the most powerful chapters in the Bible.
Jesus was betrayed, mocked, led up a hill to face his own death.
As he was praying in the garden before this, He sweat tears of blood.
That's passion.

He was purely human and had humanly emotions.
He was weeping...tears...of...blood.
His body was probably shaking thinking about dying for me.

I just wept. For an hour. As I was reading.

It's Passion Week.
I just want to remind you what we need to be passionate about.
That's Jesus, and Scripture, and our friends who don't have a personal relationship with Christ.
It grieves me....it breaks my heart..
Those were the people Christ was passionate about.

So, if you're out there reading this and you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus, I pray that you would open your heart to Jesus' death on the cross. He died and was resurrected 3 days later for you. This is what we celebrate on Easter, not a huge bunny that hops around dropping off presents at your doorstep.

What are you passionate about?
I pray it's the same things Jesus was passionate about.

Don't Settle.

I've been thinking a lot lately.
I'm not sure exactly what God wants from me, but I do know what He DOESN'T want from me.

He doesn't want mediocrity, He wants extraordinary.
He doesn't want lukewarm, He wants FIERY passion.
He doesn't want a divided heart, He wants dedication.

I don't know where God will take me, but I know where He won't take me.
He won't take me somewhere I won't be of use.

I've been thinking...
What does God want from me?
The easiest Christian answer is "everything".
What is EVERYTHING?

Every breath.
Every thought.
Every action I make.
Every word I say.
It should glorify.

How do I spend my money?
How do I spend my time?

Anyway...onto my next thought.
Although I don't know what God wants for me, I know He wouldn't want me to settle.

I refuse to settle for less than I deserve.
I refuse to settle for anything less than perfect.

I refuse to marry someone who isn't worthy.
I refuse to give up education and be a stay at home mom.
I refuse to submit to things that have no authority over me.
I refuse to subjugate my life to being a workaholic.

I think there's a difference in settling for something God has in store for you,
as opposed to settling because you can't find anything else...or someone else.

I may not be able to rationalize my feelings the moment I start feeling them,
but I refuse to let my emotions yield me to vulnerability.

I refuse to let the past predict my future.
I refuse to let my mistakes define me.
I refuse to make those mistakes again..
I refuse to not love others.
I refuse to be close-minded.
I refuse to keep quiet.
I refuse to not be opinionated, but will learn when TO be.
I refuse to let others pressure me into saying "yes" anymore.

I refuse to keep waiting for something to happen when it was never supposed to.
I refuse to let myself go.
I refuse to let something great pass by when I know it's exactly what I want.

Lesson: Don't settle.

You don't want to look back wishing you made a different decision, or that you would have waited a tad bit longer.

Don't compromise your priorities, wants, desires, ANYTHING...for anyONE.
It's a pretty worthless feeling.