Finding Adventure in God.

After finishing up what was most definitely the worst semester I've had in college yet, I find myself sitting here thinking about all the things I need to work on. It's motivating, yet overwhelming at the same time. I just think, "I'll never be good enough.", "I'll never be perfect." So what is the point of trying? There's always something I can improve on, something I can do better, something I can keep practicing... but it never seems to be enough. I just can't be satisfied with myself.

Maybe this is my perfectionist mentality kicking in...that everything has to be perfect, or maybe it's my perfectionist mentality checking out...that I just don't care anymore.

I know I'm supposed to be the person God's called me to be...but what if I just want to be myself for a moment. I want to be the person I want to be. What if I feel like God's standards are too high for me? I get tired of trying to play perfect. I want to make mistakes and be okay with it. I want to be okay with not being the best guitar player in the world. I want to be okay with not caring about what people think...but instead, all of these things bug me...all day long.

I want to be okay with not answering that one word text message.
I want to be okay with having fuzzy curly hair for the rest of my life.
I want to be okay with the way I look and dress.

I'm just tired of everything having to be perfect.
I don't have to be paranoid about using perfect grammar or punctuation.
I don't have to have every part of my outfit matching.
I don't have to match my socks.
Things don't have to be done a certain way....one certain way...
Not everything has to be prim and proper.

I guess I'm just saying that I want to do what I want to do.
Explore new things.
Go new places.
It's not that I want to break free from God, but rather I need to find the adventure in God.
All I hear is, "God's gonna use you to do great things!! Things you cannot even imagine!"
Well, if I can't imagine them, why would I want to do them? Or even know what these "things" are?


I just hate the spiritual answers. I know they're supposed to solve everything, but they often do the opposite.
Pray more. Seek God more. What is "more" is never enough? And...it won't be. We know this because God always wants more of us...but see, there's this tension because Satan wants more of me as well...
And quite honestly Satan's way seems happier nearly every time.


I'm just done trying to be perfect.
I just have to follow the Perfect example...knowing I will fail, but living to tell the story.