The Cure for Desperation.

Sometimes I focus on the things that need to be changed, and not so much on the things I'm already doing well. Mainly because I think I'm good at something, until I realize that there's always someone out there who can do it better.

Maybe I'm not the most effective person, but I CAN focus on being more efficient.
I don't notice what I'm doing well, I only notice what I'm not doing well.
This should probably change..
If you don't know the things you're good at, nobody else will.

At this honest moment, I don't know what I'm feeling, but I know something is missing.
I go through the daily routine and discipline, but although you do these things it doesn't necessarily mean that you're growing.

I want to grow.
I feel like there's so much more to learn and do.
But the idea of this is so overwhelming that you don't know where to begin.

I want to change, but sometimes I think I'm good enough the way I am.
I want to be more outgoing, then I think that it's perfectly acceptable to keep to myself.
I want to be a leader, but part of me is fine with being a follower.

The only thing all of these have in common: fear.
I don't think it's a fear that I'm "afraid" of something...
It's more so a fear of becoming something other than I'm not, and equally hating that as well.

What's the point of changing if you won't like the result? Or if others won't like the result? It just seems pointless to me. Yet, the idea of change is the only consistent thing we experience as humans.

I guess I'm just trying to say that there's something in my life that's still missing.
A part of me that I find incomplete. And...it isn't God. He's completely there.

I just block out this part of me..
This yearning desire.
Urge.
I contain it.
When you block the thoughts out of your mind, it makes the reality of never finding someone easier to believe. It becomes more acceptable, like a goal you can obtain. It seems reversed, but it makes the desire go away..
This must be the cure for desperation.
If only I could patent it, wrap it, and sell it for a price.
I'd tell the desperate girls that it's ok to live a loveless life.