I Wish I Could Think of a Creative Title For This.

I'm going to be completely honest here...
Recently I've been struggling with a lot of self-loathe.
I'm not sure what's caused it but it's pretty bad right now.

Self-loathe: an extreme dislike or hatred of oneself.
That pretty much sums it up.

I wake up everyday, look in my double sliding door mirrors on my closet and think, "WTH just happened."
My hair is gross, my face has been sorta zity lately.
I really can't find too many things about myself that I do like, but for the sake of saying something positive I'm gonna have to go with: eyes, teeth, tan skin, hair color, curls, my face overall.
I pretty much hate the rest of my body.
I'm learning to like it, but I still hate the way I look.

How is it that some people are just completely comfortable in their own skin and others are so self-conscious they just want to curl up and die in any form of social setting in which others may notice them?
...At times I think I want to be noticed but at other times I just want to hide in a cave away from the world.
I'm not making sense.

I'm so weird.
I was just thinking about this the other night... I even asked people at work, "What happens when you realize how weird you are?"
A response: "Embrace it."
Well...I wish it was easy. Literally after everything I say I beat myself up and think, "That was so stupid, Sarah. Why did you say that?" Or...most oftentimes it's, "Why did you do that? Stop acting dumb."
It plagues me everyday, and I wish I knew where it came from, but this self-esteem issue has got to go.

I wake up everyday hating myself...then I go workout and run my butt off, and I buy lots of healthy food and have started cooking more since living in my new apartment.
Today I saw results though, I wore a dress that I bought a month ago and it fit better today than when I tried it on the first time. I'm glad, but it's not enough.
Run faster....
Lift more...
Eat better...
It's driving me crazy.
Why do I have to try this hard to get anywhere in life? I guess that's what my parents always warned me about, "Enjoy life while you're young because when you're an adult life gets hard."

I don't know..
My mom's been trying to help me, but let's face it, she's my mom.....she has to think highly of me.

I don't look like anyone I've ever seen.
I cannot piece together a cute outfit to save my life.
I wish I could do something with my hair....I wish it would grow, I'm taking pills for that....yet, no results.
I look in the mirror and I just think about how short I am....
How I need more laser hair removal. 

Ugh. I hate myself, but I'm done complaining.
Time to sleep off my grumpiness.

P.S. If anyone looks at me and says, "You look really tired." I might quite possibly shank them.

Oh, a few last thoughts...

Today at work we were talking about being made fun of growing up and my only response was that all the fat people get picked on. Kids say the most hurtful things and it's amazing how I can remember the exact moment, and my exact feelings and emotions when someone (I still remember who..) looked me in the eyes and called me fat. I just put my head down and ignored them....but you never forget.

I also remember a guy telling one of my friends that if I was 30 pounds thinner I would be hot and he would date me.

Here's the kicker.... in the past 2 hours I've literally heard 2 marriage stories of how looks are important.
The guy looks at a picture of the girl and immediately knows he's going to marry her. 46 years later this still rings true..
The girl looks at the guy the first time they meet and knows she wants to marry him one day.

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE.
I have no idea, but I do know that some of us will never be this lucky.
It's like they don't have to do any work and blindly run into the "right" person.

The even more SUCKY part is that the guy I could possibly have interest in isn't even dating at this time. And everyday he manages to bring that to my attention somehow.... I haven't even flirted with him or anything, but he can probably read my mind or something?

Ok...I'm rambling....and this can only get worse..................
Goodnight.