Blahh.

I find myself sitting here in my room attempting to do homework with a million other thoughts crossing my mind. Well, rather, one main thought.... about my future.

I'm so stressed out about doing this homework, probably because I put it off until the last minute which always happens...

I feel like I've lost control.
I can barely control what I wear in the morning.
My hair barely lets me control it.
My exhaustion never ceases.
I never have time for anything I should be making time for.
My money seems plenty, but I still feel like it's not enough.

I just feel like nothing goes as it's planned out in my head.
I feel like I have no control over anything. Right now...it's mainly my emotions and feelings.
I don't feel overwhelmed with my emotions as normal. This time I'm trying to prevent them from happening.
I don't want to have feelings for someone who's off limits. Someone who isn't even dating or looking to date.
I can't control myself.
I don't know how to NOT feel this way....and I don't know how to prevent this from going any further than it needs to be.

I wish I could get shut down and hurt now to prevent it happening to an even greater extent in the future.
Deep down I know it'd never work out anyway.
In real life you'd never look my way.
I'd remain in the friends zone like I always have.

I have to do things differently if I want different results...
This is the plan: Not tell you. Pretend there's nothing there. Move on about my life. Let go. Don't be dramatic in any way and don't throw yourself on anyone. Don't drop hints. Just act like everything is normal. Don't get attached.

I was listening to a Tyrone Wells song called, "Freedom."
The lyrics say, "When you let it go, what they say is true. When you let it go it will come right back to you. When you let it go there is freedom if you do. When you let it go it will come right back to you."
This is like my new life theme song!!! Seriously. It's catchy and upbeat. :)

Ahhh....*sighs. If I could give advice to myself, and actually force myself to listen to myself, I would say this:
"Try not to think about it. Keep your mind focused on God and everything else will fall into place. And stop blogging about everything because people will start to think you're depressed or desperate. Jeish. Get over yourself."

At that, I'm done writing.
And now....it's the hurry up and wait.
Maybe at this time next year you will be at a better place.
We both need to heal from what seems to be the exact same ailment.
Or maybe my wishful thinking will get the best of me yet again.