A Faithful God in 2013.

It's that time of year....New Years resolutions time!
Typically everyone DREADS this time of year because they realize all the things they wanted to accomplish that year and didn't... well, no more of feeling like a failure!
I have a solution that's worked for me for the past 3 years.
And get this, I didn't even know I was accomplishing all of my goals, but by the end of each year, I had.

The key? Write your goals down.
For the past 3 years I have made an extensive list of all the things I wanted to accomplish in the upcoming year, and by the end of that year I had nearly accomplished everything I had written down!

It's crazy to think that 3 years ago one of my goals was "No cursing". God is faithful! Hahaha!
Man...I've grown a lot in the past 3 years and it's awesome to see how faithful God has been to me since I started making these goals.

Here are what some of my goals were. Don't make fun of me...........I was serious at the time of writing these. Looking back now I sort of laugh. Oh, and these are the basic versions. I figured I would spare you the time of reading my in depth, detailed version.. And I'd also spare me the embarrassment...... =]

My goals for 2010 were to:
-Drink more water
-Lose weight
-Be more fashionable
-Wear makeup
-Learn to cook
-No cursing
-Make more friends
-Try talking to boys (ha! This got me into lots of trouble....)
-Get a job.
-Make A's in classes.
-Be more mature
-Show more personality
-Work on self-confidence and not bashing myself.
-Learn to play piano/guitar. 

I ended up accomplishing most of these by the end of that year! AND, after I had written out these goals, I never once looked at this list again until it was time to write my resolutions for the next year.  I then crossed out all of the ones I had accomplished, and kept the ones I still wanted to accomplish.

To this day, I've accomplished more than I ever thought possible, all because I was subconsciously working on these goals throughout the next year.

Write things down. It helps!! Really!

Ways to Improve Myself (2011):
-Lose weight
-Grow hair out
-Work on my wardrobe/image: wear heels, boots, etc, etc, etc.
-Keep trying new makeup
-Learn to cook........STILL.
-Have purer thoughts, tame the tongue, memory verses, daily Bible reading, prayer, etc.
-Expand to more Christian music (Ha! The Lord has redeemed me!)
-Continue to develop self-confidence.
-Journal daily.
-Spend more time with friends and family.
-Work on relationships.
-Mature as an adult, into a woman. (Ha.. )

Ways to Improve Myself (2012):

This year I really challenged myself and realized that you are more likely to accomplish your goals if you write them down! So, I took this year more seriously. And as I read these today, it blew my mind to see that God had faithfully answered all of my goal prayers!! Even the big ones!

-Drink more water, lose weight, less fast food, etc.
-Workout 3x a week.
-Buy better clothes that flatter my body.
-Straighten hair more often.
-Play guitar/piano more often.
-Lead worship at every given opportunity.
-Write some songs.
-Give a lesson.
-Become financially stable.
-Blog more often. (Accomplishing that one right now! lol)
-Restore broken relationships
-Become emotionally stable.
-Be more dependent on God.
-Go to at least 1 concert. (I went to several!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-Go on a missions trip. (I WON a trip to Baja!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God works in CRAZY big ways!)


Man. God is sooo faithful! He helped me accomplish everything I wanted without me even realizing it. And, of course, I have HUGE expectations for this year!

Ways to Improve Myself (2013):
-Make the "Eat to Live" diet a permanent lifestyle change.
-Get down to 150 lbs, or a size 10.
-Run a 5k without stopping.
-Pick up a new sport, hobby.
-Have long hair!!!!
-Deepen my relationship with God.
-A memory verse a day.
-Find a permanent church home.
-Complete the Daniel fast.
-Write at least 3 songs. 
-Meet new people, make new friends.
-Become an expert in finances.
-Find a stable mentor who challenges me.
-Go on another missions trip!
-Graduate CBC!
-Finish my last 2 classes at OTC and graduate there, too!! Hahaha!
-Get accepted into Evangel's MOL program!
-Attain a substitute teaching certificate.


2013 has big expectations! But God has been faithful and steadfast so I figured I might as well try to top the previous years. :)

I pray that if you withstood the dread of reading all my goals, that you would come up with your own goals.
Write them down.
Don't look at them until the end of the next year.
And progressively take steps for a greater and brighter future for yourself.

God can only be as big as our dreams.
Dream big.

Contentment is a Beautiful Thing.

If you were to tell me where I would be in life right now 5 years ago....I'd say you were CRAZY.

#1. Five years ago I was in church but still didn't have that deep relationship with Christ that I have now.
#2. Five years ago I graduated high school (in May it will be 5)

So...as I was graduating my plan was to go to community college and study Spanish to be a Spanish translator... and, this may still happen one day because I do feel called to a Spanish speaking country for short term missions. Not sure where, or when. But maybe someday.

I never would have expected that I'd end up at Bible College.
I never anticipated seeking credentialing... I'll be a Reverend one day. Surreal, but the coolest thing I've ever done!
I never expected that I'd try out for the school preaching team, Catalyst.....and be the only exclusive girl preacher! That's a first for the team, and a first for a female Catalyst preacher to preach in senior chapel.
I NEVER thought I would have the courage to do Senior Chapel, but last year (my second year at CBC) I knew God wanted me to do it. I've waited a year for this thing! Nov. 29th!!
I never thought I'd grow up to be a preacher. I hated public speaking, and I'm still learning to be confident up there! 
Oh, and I never thought I would have had all the cool jobs and coworkers that I do have.
It's amazing what God can do through relationships!

Through relationships, and God's providence, I ended up at Bible College...on the preaching team....and accomplishing all of these things I never would have had in store for myself.

Man. All this is to say, that God gets the glory for everything!! That I had absolutely no part in this, because if I did, I'd be doing something entirely different.

I'm just really excited to see where God is leading me.

There hasn't been many times in my life when I feel like I'm doing everything right.... most of the time I think I'm doing everything wrong, but I'm learning how faithful God is. I feel like right now I'm going deeper with God than I ever have. I feel like He's preparing me for a powerful ministry coming up, and I want to be in His will now more than ever! I don't want to get this wrong..

I feel like God's preparing me for so many things greater than myself... and He's yet to reveal those to me.

Will I get my Master's at Evangel?
Will I get my Substitute Teacher Certificate?
Where will I work, and who will I live with?
Is my future husband anywhere in this? And if not, is God calling me to be a single female in ministry?

I'm just so excited about life, and I really could care less and less about trivial things.
Maybe I'm just education and career minded? Oh well....because it feels great.

Is doing music anywhere in my future?
Will I be a pastor anywhere, or am I called to be bi-vocational in a secular environment?

God will have His way. And His way is better than mine... so I'm perfectly fine with it.

Paul says to be content in every situation, and I think I'm finally understanding what that means.

Being Spiritually Awake to the Unawakened Spirituals.

Let me just preface this blog before you read it..

It isn't nice.
It isn't theological.
It's me venting... so you'll just have to accept that.
I'm probably not right by what I say.
I'm probably speaking out of emotion, but sometimes that's okay.

So...I have to go into work at 7am today. I wake up and as soon as I step outside my door I find a packet of papers called, "No Christian Left Behind."  Pretty motivational....but I think these papers ended up at the wrong apartment.  I thought about sliding them over to my neighbors door, but then I decided that I really want to read them.....and I haven't yet, so I'll have to update you about that later.

Anyway, I was really thinking about God on my way to work this morning.  I was thinking that the roads are nice and empty, it's dark and cold, and I don't have an ice scraper when I really needed one, which almost made me late.... yet, there's a peace that swept over me.  Listening to worship on the way in just made it that much better. God knows I needed it to prepare myself for something else later.

There's this girl I work with.... I definitely don't like her, which makes me thankful that Christ said you never had to "love" them, but you had to "show" love to them. Well it's really difficult with her. 

I walk  up to the store before it even opens and I overhear her talking to my boss about her night...
She was talking about how tired she was and she even had a Starbucks in hand to prove it. 

Her, "So, I left the bar last night....and I called him, but I didn't think he was going to pick up....but then he did. And then I went over there....and then I left at 5am to go home, take a shower, then get back to work." 

Now, you have to understand this girl. She brags about EVERYTHING. Yep, even booty calls. It just makes me really sad because she talks about this "guy she's dating" when really they probably just sleep together, and you can label me as a judgmental, bad Christian, I really don't care, but this is the kinda stuff I hear her talking about ALL THE TIME.

She continually complains about being tired for the next 3, 4 hours we're at work.  And then...I decided to speak up. She complained again....and I said, "Hum.. I feel pretty good today." My boss goes, "Yeah. Me too. I'm a morning person though."  That was all it took for her to say, "Well....this week has been busy... I had to go here at so and so time. Then I had to be here..." At this point I just blocked her out.  Her voice annoys me. The things she does annoys me.  Her work "ethic", if you want to call it that, annoys me.

EVERYTHING ABOUT HER ANNOYS ME.

I know, you're probably thinking, "Dang. Sarah is....(fill in the blank), and you'd be right.
I'm just not sure how to handle her.  I'm struggling to find compassion for her "tiredness" at work when really it's just from her drinking too much, and having sex all night with her "boyfriend" she found on the internet. (This is a whole 'nother story in itself...). REALLY. You expect me to have compassion for how sleepy she is at work from not going to sleep the night before?? NO.

I'm just really proud of myself for calling her out on it.  She was bragging about all the "exams" and "tests" she's had to take....and granted, I'm sure it was a lot of hard work. 3 Praxis tests, she's a proctor for the ACT, she's taken the SAT, MCAT....blah, blah, blah. I get it. You're "successful".  But what I DON'T find successful is willingly calling a guy for a booty call because you feel so bad about yourself and your lack on self-confidence that HE is the only thing that will fix that.  I also don't find it very successful that you're an irresponsible drinker...and that you THRIVE on telling the "great" stories of it the next day.

I really just find you sort of lame.

And then...God convicted me of my lack of compassion for you. Lucky, you.

On the way home I just kept thinking....."I just really don't like her. Her personality clashes with mine. She brags about everything..." At one point in our conversation I interrupted her and rudely said that I had taken the credentialing exam and will soon be a Reverend.  I know, how prideful of me right? I just really wanted her to shut up, to be honest. Granted, I could have picked ANYTHING that wasn't spiritual, but I decided to be spiritual...and show her how spiritual I was. Terrible decision? Probably. I feel bad for doing it, but at that moment I was ignorant to her unawakened spirit....which leads me to say this.

I want to write a book called, "Being Spiritually Awake to the Unawakened Spirituals." 
On the way home, under my conviction, I felt bad and the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, "Have compassion."  However, I feel like there's a difference in having compassion on someONE and on the amount of tiredness they show because of their bad decisions.  I have no compassion on the bad consequences that come with making bad decisions. 

I'll say it.
I'm glad she was miserable from drinking and such because maybe it will help her wake up and realize the world around her.....and that the world, in fact, doesn't revolve around HER.
Really, I don't have to work harder to make up for your lack of work ethic because of your decisions. And, I refuse to anyway.

Then again....this idea of compassion comes back to haunt me.

2 things I'm struggling with:
1. Finding the fine line between compassion and pity.
2. Simply just pitying people.

I know, you're gonna think I'm terrible, but I really just have to say it because maybe one of you out there can help me.

I want to have compassion for her, and on those others out there that I will soon face one day. 
Yet, part of me wants to pity her and find her dire life situation just really sad, and walk away.

Back to my book idea.... I also felt convicted that although I am spiritually awakened and others are not, we are the same.  God loves me just as much as he loves her, and at times I want to throw a temper tantrum and think it isn't fair. Granted, one day I'll be judged just as much as they will be, but at least I am ready for it.  The compassion comes in here....because they are not ready for this judgment that is to come.

And then something flashed before my eyes. 
The politics are getting out of control.
Even simple "faith" or "religion" conversations in the workplace can be a mild form of persecution.

....but the worst is yet to come.
The world is going to get FAR worse before the rapture happens, I think.
People are gonna have to choose one side or the other. And it really is a constant battle.

We are at war for our souls...and only the spiritually awakened realize it.
Just prepare yourselves....because things are gonna get nasty in the end times.
They already are.

I was texting my friend about this and he told me to remember 2 things.
1. People aren't the things they did yesterday, but they are their beliefs today.
2. People want to feel important.

And to this I have to say that 1: We all HAVE sinned and fall short of God's glory, but some boast about their shortcomings and I will never understand why.  It's like the things in #1, the things they do/did ARE indeed the things that make them feel important, #2.

So really, all this to say, I need to learn the difference between compassion and pity.
I need to be "Spiritually Awake to the Unawakened Spirituals". 

There are people out there who need Christ. And from now on I'm determined to find boldness so I can unashamedly preach the Gospel.

Oh, and on the way home I see her get in her car and start smoking a cigarette. I really wanted to snub my head at her, and then I just though, "it's really sad that people turn to cigarettes, booty calls, and drinking too much to make them feel important." 

We must learn to be spiritually awake to the unawakened spiritual people out there, because other than the fact that we are spiritually awake and they aren't...........we're the exact same.

God, help me.

You know those people who just fall through the cracks of society?
The people who go through life unnoticed, and then you suddenly meet them one day and discover how awesome they are?
Like, you wish you would have became their friends years ago...
Because when you meet, you feel like you've already known them for ages?
Yeah. Sometimes I feel like that person.

I fear that I'll strive so hard and work towards my career...and forget to have fun.
Forget to work on me.
Forget what the "real world" looks like because I'm just cooped up in my room studying all day.

I never go out anymore.
I never hang out with friends, except when it's convenient.
And...I've honestly let all my friendships go down the drain.
However, some of them were too dramatic and I'm glad I weeded them out..

I feel like I may be slipping through the cracks..
Granted, I enjoy having my life on the "DL", down low, but I wish guys would notice me.
I have no issues talking to them and being friends with them.
But that's where it ends... and you remain stuck in the "friend zone" for the rest of your life.
Or so it seems.

I'm not complaining that I'll never get married.
Sometimes I pride myself on how successful I know I can be...
Yet, other times I wish I had someone to share it with besides Jesus.
Then again, Paul says to be content in every situation.

If I'm being truthful, I'm getting discouraged that I can't find a job that will give me more hours.
I love the Land's End, but I wish they'd give me more hours. 4, 6, 10 hours is not enough to pay rent.
I'm worrying...getting anxious....I feel a form of depression setting in. Not to mention the fact that I haven't been able to afford my hormone balancing prescription....which means my emotions are wack.
I also spent $100 on my ministerial credentialing application instead of spending that money on food.
What was I thinking!? I don't know... but the whole job hunt makes you feel unqualified for anything.

I'm trying to see light at the end of the tunnel. This year will be over in 7 months.
May will be here soon enough, and then I can move onto something bigger and better...and hopefully more permanent.
Until then, I have 7 months to form and mold myself into the person I want to be.
The professional side of me that's dying to come out, but not yet confident enough.

UGH. I'm just discouraged... I really need a better job, with more hours...
I want to be able to afford good food again.
Somehow I haven't had food, yet I haven't gone hungry.
There's always food available that someone's provided in some sort of capacity.
I just want my parents back.
I want to live in my old house.
And have the love and care that I need.
I feel like I'm dying on my own..
I'm starting to think that I can't take care of myself.

I just thought God gave me this job...and at times I've thought about going back to work at old jobs.
I walk in the door....and I have this sudden hatred swarm over me...I can't go back..
I want something new, something good, something along the lines of my future career, something that pays the bills.
I made rent this month, but I fear my paycheck this week will only be about $30.
I got in a few hours doing receipts for a missionary I know...
I just can't survive much longer like this.

God is a provider.
I just feel like He isn't taking good care of me at the moment.
Then again, I feel like all of this is my fault..
And I can't blame my work for not having more hours to give out..

I'm so bitter and angry.
I always get excited about something, starting something new, meeting someone new, and then everything just turns out to be a letdown.

God, help me.
I'm falling through the cracks of society.

Torn.

My mind is telling me no.....
But my body is telling me yes.
Can't control these thoughts in my head.
Reminiscing about the past.

We used to have it all.
I was fun, free, and happy to be.
You fell away....we grew apart.
Dropped off the face of the earth.

You said you'd never leave.
I said I'd never let you go.
Times have shown...
Just how much we didn't know.
Young and naive..

If only I could go back.
I would have done things differently.
I would have never let you slip away.
I would have been the first.

I'm torn.
I know this is wrong...
There's so much at stake.
My future...my career.
This isn't the path to take.

My life could end before it even begins.
I know you're not the best for me..
But my heart can't take "No" for an answer.
I'm fighting my body....the sinful flesh.
I have to let you go..
Everyone knows..
This isn't how it's supposed to happen.

I want to do things right..
I must wait..

James Morrison- I Won't Let You Go

"I Won't Let You Go"

When it's black
Take a little time to hold yourself
Take a little time to feel around before it's gone
You won't let go but you still keep on falling down
Remember how you save me now from all of my wrongs
Yeah

If there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go

Say those words
Say those words like there's nothing else
Close your eyes and you might believe
That there is some way out
Yeah

Open up
Open up your heart to me now
Let it all come pouring out
There's nothing I can't take

And if there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)

If your sky is falling
Just take my hand and hold it
You don't have to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)

And if you feel the fading of the light
And you're too weak to carry on the fight
And all your friends that you count on have disappeared
I'll be here not gone, forever holding on

If there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)

If your sky is falling
Just take my hand and hold it
You don't have to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)

I won't let you go
I won't let
I won't let you go
No, I won't let
I won't let you go
I won't let you go

Rest in Peace, You Weary Souls..

So...my grandfather passed away last week.
A week ago exactly I would have been driving to the hospital to visit him.
Little did I know that would be the last time I would visit him before he passed.
I knew he was critical, but I didn't know how bad...and I didn't know what to expect.
After all, I'd never seen death staring me straight in the face before. Literally.

It's raining...which makes driving in the dark immediately 10x worse.. especially if the hospital is your destination. I didn't really want to go...I drove by it....a few times....never going inside. My phone was dying so I decided it was best for me to go home and get a charger because my parents were texting and calling on and off that whole time. I got home and my bed looked so very deeply tempting...but I knew I would be sleeping in the hospital overnight. It's what a good granddaughter would do, especially since last time my grandpa was in the hospital I didn't even know, and I thought he had gotten out when he really didn't.... 2 weeks later he was still there and nobody told me otherwise. I owed it to him to be there, especially during his last moments.

I get there and lots of people are visiting.  He's pretty popular in all the small neighboring towns. Everybody knew him and everybody loved him.  Everyone finally left around midnight and we could all finally sleep.  Lee had already been asleep for awhile when I got to the hospital. My brother (Caleb), aunt (Deana), and grandma (Marilyn) were there when I got there. My brother and I slept on the cold hard floor, although, I'm not sure we really did much sleeping.  The hospital light was bright, the floor was so hard and cold that I was shivering constantly. I knew I was in for a painful night..

Lee was asleep peacefully in his bed.  His breathing was heavy, but I guess that comes with old age. He was hooked up to oxygen and Marilyn was sitting next to him. There was nothing we could do or say to each other to ease the mood of the environment. It was just uncomfortable...and it was going to be until we left. So, regardless of our lack of sleep, all 4 of us woke up around the same time.  I remember checking 6:22 on my phone to tell the time.  I sat up, folded my blanket, fixed my hair, put on my glasses...and waited. I knew it had to be soon because God woke us all up around the same time...to prepare.

At 6:53 Lee Allen Holman went to be with Jesus. We waited and could tell his breathing was slowly getting heavier, deeper, and drawn out. I watched feeling helpless and upset that there was nothing I could do. He was sleeping peacefully and I knew his divine appointment was approaching. He lived no longer than was scheduled, and left no earlier than he should have.  God always has perfect timing...even in death.

As I watched him sleep and breath I could tell that it was getting more difficult for him. During the night he had yelled/moaned a few times and it freaked us all out.  I've never experienced death before so I didn't really know what this was. Each time I thought it might have been his last. His open-mouth breathing got heavier and then he stretched his body out.....then went into sleep apnea a few times. My aunt gave my grandma his hand and she held it.  My aunt wiped up the drool as his tongue began to show and the sleep apnea took over. He breathed....then stopped....then breathed again.....then stopped...for good. My aunt held him and lifted up his eyelids and then put them back down.  With tears in her eyes she said, "It's ok. You can go be with Jesus. It's ok. You can go home now."  And with that she checked for a pulse for a few more seconds until she gave us the nod that he was gone.

This was a deeply sad day in my heart, and in my family's heart, but I watched my grandfather pass away with Jesus in his heart. There's no better feeling than that. He had a divine appointment with Jesus, and at times I'm often jealous of that. He's way ahead of me in life, and he's at peace and rest.

There's no pain in heaven.  Lee has a glorified body with no leukemia...and no need for blood transfusions every 7 days.  He has no more internal bleeding or swelling.  No more heavy breathing, and no more pain every time he moves a muscle. He's found rest for his weary soul.

Lee Allen Holman was a Godly man.  He went to church every Sunday since 1958 when he got saved and joined the church.  I would ask him what he learned at church many times and he would ask me the same.  We never got too deeply theological which is a nice break when you go to Bible College and get sick of having debates all the time.  I just knew that he was a Christian and that was all that mattered. 

To be honest with you, I honestly haven't grieved one bit.  In my mind he's still here, and telling jokes, making fun of me, or doing some sort of teasing. I'm gonna miss it, but I like to remember him that way.  I don't like to think of him as dying in the hospital with cancer....I just don't. I barely cried at the funeral, and I only shed a few tears as I'm writing this.  This is hitting my family a lot harder than it is me, and I'm not sure why.  Somebody today in class defined me as a "late griever". That's probably why, but I'm really not looking forward to this whole grieving process at all. I'd rather be a "never griever". Maybe. Maybe not. Anyway, all I know is that I want to leave behind the legacy that Lee did.

We were at his visitation for more than 3 hours grieving with people.  See, Lee knew everyone from neighboring cities, and they knew him.  He knew everyone in Morrisville and went to all the sports games there, year-round.  All the coaches and softball team showed up at the visitation to represent.  My grandparents even had their own seats with their names engraved on them in the gym at my high school.  They were deeply loved and cherished by all. Lee made lots of friends at church and everywhere he went.  I'm certain that that little town country church has never held so many people at one time than it did the day of his funeral.  He was a stunning, genuine, and loving man. 

I loved everything the young preacher had to say about him.  He even preached Christ's second coming because he knew Lee would have wanted that! We sang his favorite songs, "What a Day", "How Great Thou Art", and "Amazing Grace".  I wish I could have sang and played guitar, but I'm sort of glad I didn't. I felt unworthy. Maybe I could have written a eulogy? Nah. Chances are, the people who came to the funeral already knew exactly what sort of man Lee was...and I couldn't have told them any more.

So...this is my memoir.  I figured I should get it out while it's stuck in my brain, rather than pushing it to the back and just trying to get over it.  So, if you've read this entire thing...thanks, but I'm not finished. I have a few more things to say about death...

Death. It's the only thing permanent. It's also the only thing worth living for. We can't have life without death.  Death is going to happen to everyone.  The Word says that one day every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord and I believe that! If you're out there reading this and you do not have a PERSONAL relationship with Christ, I'm scared for you. Christ is coming very soon and you don't know if you will even wake up from your sleep tonight. My grandpa went peacefully but that's because he had the peace of Jesus in his heart. When you get to heaven God is going to recount every single on of your thoughts. The times you've questioned him. The times when going to church has crossed your mind.  The times when your heart was racing so quickly and you knew you should have responded to that altar call.  The times when you've been at funerals and wept over the death of others.  There's so much uncertainty in not knowing things. If there's one thing we can stand firm in here on earth it's the peace and rest for our souls that Christ alone can offer. If this is you, I'm praying for you. You probably hate me saying that, but you're the one I'm writing this for.

With that being said, may you rest in peace, you weary souls..