God, help me.

You know those people who just fall through the cracks of society?
The people who go through life unnoticed, and then you suddenly meet them one day and discover how awesome they are?
Like, you wish you would have became their friends years ago...
Because when you meet, you feel like you've already known them for ages?
Yeah. Sometimes I feel like that person.

I fear that I'll strive so hard and work towards my career...and forget to have fun.
Forget to work on me.
Forget what the "real world" looks like because I'm just cooped up in my room studying all day.

I never go out anymore.
I never hang out with friends, except when it's convenient.
And...I've honestly let all my friendships go down the drain.
However, some of them were too dramatic and I'm glad I weeded them out..

I feel like I may be slipping through the cracks..
Granted, I enjoy having my life on the "DL", down low, but I wish guys would notice me.
I have no issues talking to them and being friends with them.
But that's where it ends... and you remain stuck in the "friend zone" for the rest of your life.
Or so it seems.

I'm not complaining that I'll never get married.
Sometimes I pride myself on how successful I know I can be...
Yet, other times I wish I had someone to share it with besides Jesus.
Then again, Paul says to be content in every situation.

If I'm being truthful, I'm getting discouraged that I can't find a job that will give me more hours.
I love the Land's End, but I wish they'd give me more hours. 4, 6, 10 hours is not enough to pay rent.
I'm worrying...getting anxious....I feel a form of depression setting in. Not to mention the fact that I haven't been able to afford my hormone balancing prescription....which means my emotions are wack.
I also spent $100 on my ministerial credentialing application instead of spending that money on food.
What was I thinking!? I don't know... but the whole job hunt makes you feel unqualified for anything.

I'm trying to see light at the end of the tunnel. This year will be over in 7 months.
May will be here soon enough, and then I can move onto something bigger and better...and hopefully more permanent.
Until then, I have 7 months to form and mold myself into the person I want to be.
The professional side of me that's dying to come out, but not yet confident enough.

UGH. I'm just discouraged... I really need a better job, with more hours...
I want to be able to afford good food again.
Somehow I haven't had food, yet I haven't gone hungry.
There's always food available that someone's provided in some sort of capacity.
I just want my parents back.
I want to live in my old house.
And have the love and care that I need.
I feel like I'm dying on my own..
I'm starting to think that I can't take care of myself.

I just thought God gave me this job...and at times I've thought about going back to work at old jobs.
I walk in the door....and I have this sudden hatred swarm over me...I can't go back..
I want something new, something good, something along the lines of my future career, something that pays the bills.
I made rent this month, but I fear my paycheck this week will only be about $30.
I got in a few hours doing receipts for a missionary I know...
I just can't survive much longer like this.

God is a provider.
I just feel like He isn't taking good care of me at the moment.
Then again, I feel like all of this is my fault..
And I can't blame my work for not having more hours to give out..

I'm so bitter and angry.
I always get excited about something, starting something new, meeting someone new, and then everything just turns out to be a letdown.

God, help me.
I'm falling through the cracks of society.