My mind is telling me no.....
But my body is telling me yes.
Can't control these thoughts in my head.
Reminiscing about the past.
We used to have it all.
I was fun, free, and happy to be.
You fell away....we grew apart.
Dropped off the face of the earth.
You said you'd never leave.
I said I'd never let you go.
Times have shown...
Just how much we didn't know.
Young and naive..
If only I could go back.
I would have done things differently.
I would have never let you slip away.
I would have been the first.
I'm torn.
I know this is wrong...
There's so much at stake.
My future...my career.
This isn't the path to take.
My life could end before it even begins.
I know you're not the best for me..
But my heart can't take "No" for an answer.
I'm fighting my body....the sinful flesh.
I have to let you go..
Everyone knows..
This isn't how it's supposed to happen.
I want to do things right..
I must wait..
Monday, September 24, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
James Morrison- I Won't Let You Go
"I Won't Let You Go"
When it's black
Take a little time to hold yourself
Take a little time to feel around before it's gone
You won't let go but you still keep on falling down
Remember how you save me now from all of my wrongs
Yeah
If there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
Say those words
Say those words like there's nothing else
Close your eyes and you might believe
That there is some way out
Yeah
Open up
Open up your heart to me now
Let it all come pouring out
There's nothing I can't take
And if there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
If your sky is falling
Just take my hand and hold it
You don't have to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
And if you feel the fading of the light
And you're too weak to carry on the fight
And all your friends that you count on have disappeared
I'll be here not gone, forever holding on
If there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
If your sky is falling
Just take my hand and hold it
You don't have to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
I won't let you go
I won't let
I won't let you go
No, I won't let
I won't let you go
I won't let you go
Take a little time to hold yourself
Take a little time to feel around before it's gone
You won't let go but you still keep on falling down
Remember how you save me now from all of my wrongs
Yeah
If there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
Say those words
Say those words like there's nothing else
Close your eyes and you might believe
That there is some way out
Yeah
Open up
Open up your heart to me now
Let it all come pouring out
There's nothing I can't take
And if there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
If your sky is falling
Just take my hand and hold it
You don't have to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
And if you feel the fading of the light
And you're too weak to carry on the fight
And all your friends that you count on have disappeared
I'll be here not gone, forever holding on
If there's love just feel it
And if there's life we'll see it
This is no time to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
If your sky is falling
Just take my hand and hold it
You don't have to be alone, alone yeah
I won't let you go
(Won't let you go)
(Won't let you go)
I won't let you go
I won't let
I won't let you go
No, I won't let
I won't let you go
I won't let you go
Friday, September 7, 2012
Rest in Peace, You Weary Souls..
So...my grandfather passed away last week.
A week ago exactly I would have been driving to the hospital to visit him.
Little did I know that would be the last time I would visit him before he passed.
I knew he was critical, but I didn't know how bad...and I didn't know what to expect.
After all, I'd never seen death staring me straight in the face before. Literally.
It's raining...which makes driving in the dark immediately 10x worse.. especially if the hospital is your destination. I didn't really want to go...I drove by it....a few times....never going inside. My phone was dying so I decided it was best for me to go home and get a charger because my parents were texting and calling on and off that whole time. I got home and my bed looked so very deeply tempting...but I knew I would be sleeping in the hospital overnight. It's what a good granddaughter would do, especially since last time my grandpa was in the hospital I didn't even know, and I thought he had gotten out when he really didn't.... 2 weeks later he was still there and nobody told me otherwise. I owed it to him to be there, especially during his last moments.
I get there and lots of people are visiting. He's pretty popular in all the small neighboring towns. Everybody knew him and everybody loved him. Everyone finally left around midnight and we could all finally sleep. Lee had already been asleep for awhile when I got to the hospital. My brother (Caleb), aunt (Deana), and grandma (Marilyn) were there when I got there. My brother and I slept on the cold hard floor, although, I'm not sure we really did much sleeping. The hospital light was bright, the floor was so hard and cold that I was shivering constantly. I knew I was in for a painful night..
Lee was asleep peacefully in his bed. His breathing was heavy, but I guess that comes with old age. He was hooked up to oxygen and Marilyn was sitting next to him. There was nothing we could do or say to each other to ease the mood of the environment. It was just uncomfortable...and it was going to be until we left. So, regardless of our lack of sleep, all 4 of us woke up around the same time. I remember checking 6:22 on my phone to tell the time. I sat up, folded my blanket, fixed my hair, put on my glasses...and waited. I knew it had to be soon because God woke us all up around the same time...to prepare.
At 6:53 Lee Allen Holman went to be with Jesus. We waited and could tell his breathing was slowly getting heavier, deeper, and drawn out. I watched feeling helpless and upset that there was nothing I could do. He was sleeping peacefully and I knew his divine appointment was approaching. He lived no longer than was scheduled, and left no earlier than he should have. God always has perfect timing...even in death.
As I watched him sleep and breath I could tell that it was getting more difficult for him. During the night he had yelled/moaned a few times and it freaked us all out. I've never experienced death before so I didn't really know what this was. Each time I thought it might have been his last. His open-mouth breathing got heavier and then he stretched his body out.....then went into sleep apnea a few times. My aunt gave my grandma his hand and she held it. My aunt wiped up the drool as his tongue began to show and the sleep apnea took over. He breathed....then stopped....then breathed again.....then stopped...for good. My aunt held him and lifted up his eyelids and then put them back down. With tears in her eyes she said, "It's ok. You can go be with Jesus. It's ok. You can go home now." And with that she checked for a pulse for a few more seconds until she gave us the nod that he was gone.
This was a deeply sad day in my heart, and in my family's heart, but I watched my grandfather pass away with Jesus in his heart. There's no better feeling than that. He had a divine appointment with Jesus, and at times I'm often jealous of that. He's way ahead of me in life, and he's at peace and rest.
There's no pain in heaven. Lee has a glorified body with no leukemia...and no need for blood transfusions every 7 days. He has no more internal bleeding or swelling. No more heavy breathing, and no more pain every time he moves a muscle. He's found rest for his weary soul.
Lee Allen Holman was a Godly man. He went to church every Sunday since 1958 when he got saved and joined the church. I would ask him what he learned at church many times and he would ask me the same. We never got too deeply theological which is a nice break when you go to Bible College and get sick of having debates all the time. I just knew that he was a Christian and that was all that mattered.
To be honest with you, I honestly haven't grieved one bit. In my mind he's still here, and telling jokes, making fun of me, or doing some sort of teasing. I'm gonna miss it, but I like to remember him that way. I don't like to think of him as dying in the hospital with cancer....I just don't. I barely cried at the funeral, and I only shed a few tears as I'm writing this. This is hitting my family a lot harder than it is me, and I'm not sure why. Somebody today in class defined me as a "late griever". That's probably why, but I'm really not looking forward to this whole grieving process at all. I'd rather be a "never griever". Maybe. Maybe not. Anyway, all I know is that I want to leave behind the legacy that Lee did.
We were at his visitation for more than 3 hours grieving with people. See, Lee knew everyone from neighboring cities, and they knew him. He knew everyone in Morrisville and went to all the sports games there, year-round. All the coaches and softball team showed up at the visitation to represent. My grandparents even had their own seats with their names engraved on them in the gym at my high school. They were deeply loved and cherished by all. Lee made lots of friends at church and everywhere he went. I'm certain that that little town country church has never held so many people at one time than it did the day of his funeral. He was a stunning, genuine, and loving man.
I loved everything the young preacher had to say about him. He even preached Christ's second coming because he knew Lee would have wanted that! We sang his favorite songs, "What a Day", "How Great Thou Art", and "Amazing Grace". I wish I could have sang and played guitar, but I'm sort of glad I didn't. I felt unworthy. Maybe I could have written a eulogy? Nah. Chances are, the people who came to the funeral already knew exactly what sort of man Lee was...and I couldn't have told them any more.
So...this is my memoir. I figured I should get it out while it's stuck in my brain, rather than pushing it to the back and just trying to get over it. So, if you've read this entire thing...thanks, but I'm not finished. I have a few more things to say about death...
Death. It's the only thing permanent. It's also the only thing worth living for. We can't have life without death. Death is going to happen to everyone. The Word says that one day every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord and I believe that! If you're out there reading this and you do not have a PERSONAL relationship with Christ, I'm scared for you. Christ is coming very soon and you don't know if you will even wake up from your sleep tonight. My grandpa went peacefully but that's because he had the peace of Jesus in his heart. When you get to heaven God is going to recount every single on of your thoughts. The times you've questioned him. The times when going to church has crossed your mind. The times when your heart was racing so quickly and you knew you should have responded to that altar call. The times when you've been at funerals and wept over the death of others. There's so much uncertainty in not knowing things. If there's one thing we can stand firm in here on earth it's the peace and rest for our souls that Christ alone can offer. If this is you, I'm praying for you. You probably hate me saying that, but you're the one I'm writing this for.
With that being said, may you rest in peace, you weary souls..
A week ago exactly I would have been driving to the hospital to visit him.
Little did I know that would be the last time I would visit him before he passed.
I knew he was critical, but I didn't know how bad...and I didn't know what to expect.
After all, I'd never seen death staring me straight in the face before. Literally.
It's raining...which makes driving in the dark immediately 10x worse.. especially if the hospital is your destination. I didn't really want to go...I drove by it....a few times....never going inside. My phone was dying so I decided it was best for me to go home and get a charger because my parents were texting and calling on and off that whole time. I got home and my bed looked so very deeply tempting...but I knew I would be sleeping in the hospital overnight. It's what a good granddaughter would do, especially since last time my grandpa was in the hospital I didn't even know, and I thought he had gotten out when he really didn't.... 2 weeks later he was still there and nobody told me otherwise. I owed it to him to be there, especially during his last moments.
I get there and lots of people are visiting. He's pretty popular in all the small neighboring towns. Everybody knew him and everybody loved him. Everyone finally left around midnight and we could all finally sleep. Lee had already been asleep for awhile when I got to the hospital. My brother (Caleb), aunt (Deana), and grandma (Marilyn) were there when I got there. My brother and I slept on the cold hard floor, although, I'm not sure we really did much sleeping. The hospital light was bright, the floor was so hard and cold that I was shivering constantly. I knew I was in for a painful night..
Lee was asleep peacefully in his bed. His breathing was heavy, but I guess that comes with old age. He was hooked up to oxygen and Marilyn was sitting next to him. There was nothing we could do or say to each other to ease the mood of the environment. It was just uncomfortable...and it was going to be until we left. So, regardless of our lack of sleep, all 4 of us woke up around the same time. I remember checking 6:22 on my phone to tell the time. I sat up, folded my blanket, fixed my hair, put on my glasses...and waited. I knew it had to be soon because God woke us all up around the same time...to prepare.
At 6:53 Lee Allen Holman went to be with Jesus. We waited and could tell his breathing was slowly getting heavier, deeper, and drawn out. I watched feeling helpless and upset that there was nothing I could do. He was sleeping peacefully and I knew his divine appointment was approaching. He lived no longer than was scheduled, and left no earlier than he should have. God always has perfect timing...even in death.
As I watched him sleep and breath I could tell that it was getting more difficult for him. During the night he had yelled/moaned a few times and it freaked us all out. I've never experienced death before so I didn't really know what this was. Each time I thought it might have been his last. His open-mouth breathing got heavier and then he stretched his body out.....then went into sleep apnea a few times. My aunt gave my grandma his hand and she held it. My aunt wiped up the drool as his tongue began to show and the sleep apnea took over. He breathed....then stopped....then breathed again.....then stopped...for good. My aunt held him and lifted up his eyelids and then put them back down. With tears in her eyes she said, "It's ok. You can go be with Jesus. It's ok. You can go home now." And with that she checked for a pulse for a few more seconds until she gave us the nod that he was gone.
This was a deeply sad day in my heart, and in my family's heart, but I watched my grandfather pass away with Jesus in his heart. There's no better feeling than that. He had a divine appointment with Jesus, and at times I'm often jealous of that. He's way ahead of me in life, and he's at peace and rest.
There's no pain in heaven. Lee has a glorified body with no leukemia...and no need for blood transfusions every 7 days. He has no more internal bleeding or swelling. No more heavy breathing, and no more pain every time he moves a muscle. He's found rest for his weary soul.
Lee Allen Holman was a Godly man. He went to church every Sunday since 1958 when he got saved and joined the church. I would ask him what he learned at church many times and he would ask me the same. We never got too deeply theological which is a nice break when you go to Bible College and get sick of having debates all the time. I just knew that he was a Christian and that was all that mattered.
To be honest with you, I honestly haven't grieved one bit. In my mind he's still here, and telling jokes, making fun of me, or doing some sort of teasing. I'm gonna miss it, but I like to remember him that way. I don't like to think of him as dying in the hospital with cancer....I just don't. I barely cried at the funeral, and I only shed a few tears as I'm writing this. This is hitting my family a lot harder than it is me, and I'm not sure why. Somebody today in class defined me as a "late griever". That's probably why, but I'm really not looking forward to this whole grieving process at all. I'd rather be a "never griever". Maybe. Maybe not. Anyway, all I know is that I want to leave behind the legacy that Lee did.
We were at his visitation for more than 3 hours grieving with people. See, Lee knew everyone from neighboring cities, and they knew him. He knew everyone in Morrisville and went to all the sports games there, year-round. All the coaches and softball team showed up at the visitation to represent. My grandparents even had their own seats with their names engraved on them in the gym at my high school. They were deeply loved and cherished by all. Lee made lots of friends at church and everywhere he went. I'm certain that that little town country church has never held so many people at one time than it did the day of his funeral. He was a stunning, genuine, and loving man.
I loved everything the young preacher had to say about him. He even preached Christ's second coming because he knew Lee would have wanted that! We sang his favorite songs, "What a Day", "How Great Thou Art", and "Amazing Grace". I wish I could have sang and played guitar, but I'm sort of glad I didn't. I felt unworthy. Maybe I could have written a eulogy? Nah. Chances are, the people who came to the funeral already knew exactly what sort of man Lee was...and I couldn't have told them any more.
So...this is my memoir. I figured I should get it out while it's stuck in my brain, rather than pushing it to the back and just trying to get over it. So, if you've read this entire thing...thanks, but I'm not finished. I have a few more things to say about death...
Death. It's the only thing permanent. It's also the only thing worth living for. We can't have life without death. Death is going to happen to everyone. The Word says that one day every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord and I believe that! If you're out there reading this and you do not have a PERSONAL relationship with Christ, I'm scared for you. Christ is coming very soon and you don't know if you will even wake up from your sleep tonight. My grandpa went peacefully but that's because he had the peace of Jesus in his heart. When you get to heaven God is going to recount every single on of your thoughts. The times you've questioned him. The times when going to church has crossed your mind. The times when your heart was racing so quickly and you knew you should have responded to that altar call. The times when you've been at funerals and wept over the death of others. There's so much uncertainty in not knowing things. If there's one thing we can stand firm in here on earth it's the peace and rest for our souls that Christ alone can offer. If this is you, I'm praying for you. You probably hate me saying that, but you're the one I'm writing this for.
With that being said, may you rest in peace, you weary souls..
Saturday, August 25, 2012
In Memory of..
So...yesterday was probably one of the saddest days in my life.
I'd definitely put it up there with one of the worst days of school, at least.
We had the memorial service for Roger Thomassen, my piano teacher, and friend.
It was very sad, but in the midst of the sadness the family was still worshiping God.
It began with the song, "Blessed Assurance" which is fitting because Roger always loved the hymns!
There were so many of his music students involved that it just warmed my heart.
I wish I could have been up there but then again I probably couldn't have handled it.
Brother Thomassen was always a man of God.
He never stopped working.
From watering the flowers around campus, to writing fabulous blogs about the poetry and music, to running 5K's, teaching classes, giving lessons, he was always busy doing something. Maybe his busyness just caught up with him? If that's the case, that's how I'd like to go out too....with a bang for Jesus.
He was always faithful to God, I just know it. You can tell when someone just radiates holiness. He was one of those. Faithful to the end, never giving up, always striving to do great things for God and never ceased.
The service was just overall great. Very sad, but very great. It gave me the closure I needed because I couldn't make it to the actual funeral (celebration of life) service. I had an eye exam that day, but one of my friends called me and told me how amazing it was. Definitely a celebration of a noble life. She said that one of my music professors read my Facebook post because it captured the essence of who Roger truly was. I felt such peace and comfort in my heart that day. I was really bummed that I couldn't be there, but I know that he knows I was there in spirit...especially since they picked my Facebook post. MINE! Numerous people were writing their condolences, memories, feelings....but they picked mine. I felt so special, honored, and I'm thankful that I felt led to write it that day. Yesterday they read my Facebook post again, but I was there to hear it! And I broke down.
Brother Thomassen,
I know you're reading this now...from a better perspective. If you're reading this I just really want to say that I'm sorry for dropping piano lessons. We could have had another semester together. Another semester I missed out on learning from your wisdom and hearing all of your amazing stories...but it's ok. I will pick piano back up again one day, I promise. And every time I play a song I will remember you.
For some reason I think you're still up in your office....just hiding out. Grading papers....composing a song...
I will miss just being able to go up there and have a chat with you. At this point I find myself trying to rack my brain and have all of our moments and memories flood back..
I remember one time in the cafe you told me that you had read my blog, and you enjoyed it. You told me to keep writing. I always loved reading your blogs too. If only you could read this one, but I know you probably are.
I won't have anyone to talk to about you know who... You gave him piano lessons as a kid, he used to go to CBC, and now he isn't serving God. I know your heart grieved when I told you that as much as mine still does.
Man...this is hard. I'm just gonna miss everything about you, but I know everything is better in heaven and we will see each other again one day. They probably have better pianos, bigger sheet music, better blogs interfaces, and way more flowers for you to water.
I wish I could be where you were, but my job here isn't done.
But when it is, we shall meet again.
Thanks for being my friend.
I learned a lot from you in such a short amount of time.
My Facebook post:
"I'm so sad to mourn the loss of Roger Thomassen. He was the first professor I met when I was pulling into CBC my first day to move into the dorms. He helped unload my stuff and we immediately started talking about music. I'll never forget the piano lessons I had with him for a year. He always encouraged me to see potential in myself that I didn't realize I had. My favorite lesson was when he got e
I'd definitely put it up there with one of the worst days of school, at least.
We had the memorial service for Roger Thomassen, my piano teacher, and friend.
It was very sad, but in the midst of the sadness the family was still worshiping God.
It began with the song, "Blessed Assurance" which is fitting because Roger always loved the hymns!
There were so many of his music students involved that it just warmed my heart.
I wish I could have been up there but then again I probably couldn't have handled it.
Brother Thomassen was always a man of God.
He never stopped working.
From watering the flowers around campus, to writing fabulous blogs about the poetry and music, to running 5K's, teaching classes, giving lessons, he was always busy doing something. Maybe his busyness just caught up with him? If that's the case, that's how I'd like to go out too....with a bang for Jesus.
He was always faithful to God, I just know it. You can tell when someone just radiates holiness. He was one of those. Faithful to the end, never giving up, always striving to do great things for God and never ceased.
The service was just overall great. Very sad, but very great. It gave me the closure I needed because I couldn't make it to the actual funeral (celebration of life) service. I had an eye exam that day, but one of my friends called me and told me how amazing it was. Definitely a celebration of a noble life. She said that one of my music professors read my Facebook post because it captured the essence of who Roger truly was. I felt such peace and comfort in my heart that day. I was really bummed that I couldn't be there, but I know that he knows I was there in spirit...especially since they picked my Facebook post. MINE! Numerous people were writing their condolences, memories, feelings....but they picked mine. I felt so special, honored, and I'm thankful that I felt led to write it that day. Yesterday they read my Facebook post again, but I was there to hear it! And I broke down.
Brother Thomassen,
I know you're reading this now...from a better perspective. If you're reading this I just really want to say that I'm sorry for dropping piano lessons. We could have had another semester together. Another semester I missed out on learning from your wisdom and hearing all of your amazing stories...but it's ok. I will pick piano back up again one day, I promise. And every time I play a song I will remember you.
For some reason I think you're still up in your office....just hiding out. Grading papers....composing a song...
I will miss just being able to go up there and have a chat with you. At this point I find myself trying to rack my brain and have all of our moments and memories flood back..
I remember one time in the cafe you told me that you had read my blog, and you enjoyed it. You told me to keep writing. I always loved reading your blogs too. If only you could read this one, but I know you probably are.
I won't have anyone to talk to about you know who... You gave him piano lessons as a kid, he used to go to CBC, and now he isn't serving God. I know your heart grieved when I told you that as much as mine still does.
Man...this is hard. I'm just gonna miss everything about you, but I know everything is better in heaven and we will see each other again one day. They probably have better pianos, bigger sheet music, better blogs interfaces, and way more flowers for you to water.
I wish I could be where you were, but my job here isn't done.
But when it is, we shall meet again.
Thanks for being my friend.
I learned a lot from you in such a short amount of time.
My Facebook post:
"I'm so sad to mourn the loss of Roger Thomassen. He was the first professor I met when I was pulling into CBC my first day to move into the dorms. He helped unload my stuff and we immediately started talking about music. I'll never forget the piano lessons I had with him for a year. He always encouraged me to see potential in myself that I didn't realize I had. My favorite lesson was when he got e
xcited
that I learned inversions faster than most of his other students. He
taught me to read sheet music with imagination and made practicing more
fun than work. I loved that he would always high-five me after each
lesson. He was definitely one of the coolest, funnest, wisest, and most
encouraging professors I've ever had. Part of my love for music was
because of his inspiration. You will be missed." - August 13, 2012.
Oh, and if this memorial service wasn't difficult enough, later in the day I found out that it was my preaching professor's last day..
He was the reason I changed my minor to preaching. He had such a powerful way of teaching and in one semester I loved it enough to add it as my minor. I remember talking to him after class about female preachers. He told me to take every opportunity I get to preach. Even if it's just being up on stage, youth, anything.
However the part that touched me the most was that he said he had chosen ministry over his wife and family before....and he's had to struggle through that. He's stubborn....and didn't want to leave CBC. He wanted to be here forever and he said the moment he graduated he knew he wanted to come back. He wanted to stay with us until the end...but the consolidation has changed that.
His wife had an interview in NY and they both went. They people at the school started talking to him too! He was adamant about turning them down because CBC was where he wanted to be. He said his wife had been gone for a week and a half and his daughter was here with him. At first I thought they were splitting up or something, but then he said his last day was today.
He said he made the absolute wrong decision in picking ministry over his family. He said family ALWAYS comes before ministry. He apologized for not making this decision sooner...it'd almost be better if he didn't come back this August...but I'm glad he did so everyone could say goodbye. Then, he asked if we had any questions and proceeded on with class. A pretty terrible transition but I guess there's no way it could have been any smoother. We prayed with him after class. I'm excited about what his future holds! Starting a Bible Institute will be amazing.
Anyway, I still feel the heaviness from yesterday. I think this last year at CBC is going to be rough, yet exciting. I love all of my classes, but the atmosphere is so different. Different in a good way, yet bittersweet way because I know this is the end.
The End.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
God Has a Plan in the Midst of Exile.
So...last night I got to preach at church.
...BIG church.
I was so nervous I thought I might throw up on stage....but luckily I didn't.
I'd say I did pretty good for being my first 20ish minute sermon and my first time on a big stage!
I preached, "God has a plan in the midst of exile." from Jeremiah 29:10-14.
I had known I was going to preach for the past month, but it wasn't until the week of Fine Arts that I knew what I was supposed to preach. Every evening that week I went back to my hotel and pushed play on my iPod. "I Will Search for You" by Israel & New Breed came on. I'd always loved this song, but this week it just rang so true and clear to me.
This message was even more so confirmed as I told a coworker what I was preaching about, and he said he had done that same verse for his sister's graduation video! And then my mentor emails me saying she prayed for me and signs the email with Jeremiah 29:11! And then my roommate just so happens to tell me she's reading a book by Eugene Peterson about the book of Jeremiah. WOW!
Sarah, you aren't searching for God enough. You've been so run down this whole summer with working a full-time job, having 2 online classes, and an internship I had to be faithful to. However, God had a plan in the midst of exile.
That was exactly my homiletical idea but I didn't know it until I began writing the sermon.
And this sermon took me a few days to write!! I started with the exegetical outline, homiletical outline, and then the sermon manuscript. For those of you not in Bible College, let me put it in layman's terms (hahahah! no offense, of course) I wrote out an outline of the verses, then an outline of the concepts/ideas I got from the verses, and then a word-for-word manuscript of what I wanted to say.
I'd actually only practiced preaching this sermon once on Monday night, once Tuesday night, and then a few times Wednesday before I had to give it. I've never been so scared of anything in my life, and to top it off I started getting a headache... Bad timing...but I took some aspirin and napped for an hour so it went away before it really began!
The purpose of my sermon was this, to let people know God has a plan a promise for their lives even when we feel like exiles. We've all been ostracized at some point in our lives before...whether it be missionaries in a foreign land, or a military person being deported... these are all extreme cases just like when the Israelites were exiled to Babylon. Nonetheless, we've all felt left out before, alone, meaningless, worthless. We've all questioned who we are at some point in our lives.
...when I got up on stage all my jitters disappeared after I prayed.
I was up on stage, like this is what I'm supposed to be doing the rest of my life, whether it be pastoring, or just being a motivational speaker...which has secretly always been a hidden desire of mine.
I'm so thankful I had great friends who came!
Thank you to Sarah, Beka, Heidi, Allie, Misty, Sophia, Kim, Breanne, Elyse and all who came. :)
It made that night really special and so much easier to preach in a loving environment!!
Everyone came up to me after service saying how great it was....how they didn't know I had such hidden talent. Someone even told me that he was going to say that I would make a great minister one day, but he said that I already was one. :) Pastor even joked about stealing my notes... hahaha!
But in all honesty, the sermon wasn't about me...it was about God and his plan. It wasn't about me being up on stage doing something fanciful for God. It wasn't me pointing out how spiritual I am. It was about me telling the people going through rough times that God has a plan even if they cannot see it in the midst of their sin, depression, anger, bitterness, etc. God is greater than the words I spoke, and I fumbled my words at times and could have used better illustrations..
The sermon itself wasn't great, but it was the lesson behind it that made it great.
I'm so thankful for my 3 months at this church. They even took up a love offering which meant a lot to me. Oh, and I got a cd of my sermon too! It's crazy when you're surrounded by an entire church that feels like family and wants to hug and kiss you ever week even if you haven't personally gotten to know them as well as you'd want.
This was just such a great experience and I thank God for the opportunity to be used for His glory.
God has a plan in the midst of exile, a plan and a promise that we can stand on. Know that, and don't ever forget it.
Jeremiah 29:10-14
...BIG church.
I was so nervous I thought I might throw up on stage....but luckily I didn't.
I'd say I did pretty good for being my first 20ish minute sermon and my first time on a big stage!
I preached, "God has a plan in the midst of exile." from Jeremiah 29:10-14.
I had known I was going to preach for the past month, but it wasn't until the week of Fine Arts that I knew what I was supposed to preach. Every evening that week I went back to my hotel and pushed play on my iPod. "I Will Search for You" by Israel & New Breed came on. I'd always loved this song, but this week it just rang so true and clear to me.
This message was even more so confirmed as I told a coworker what I was preaching about, and he said he had done that same verse for his sister's graduation video! And then my mentor emails me saying she prayed for me and signs the email with Jeremiah 29:11! And then my roommate just so happens to tell me she's reading a book by Eugene Peterson about the book of Jeremiah. WOW!
Sarah, you aren't searching for God enough. You've been so run down this whole summer with working a full-time job, having 2 online classes, and an internship I had to be faithful to. However, God had a plan in the midst of exile.
That was exactly my homiletical idea but I didn't know it until I began writing the sermon.
And this sermon took me a few days to write!! I started with the exegetical outline, homiletical outline, and then the sermon manuscript. For those of you not in Bible College, let me put it in layman's terms (hahahah! no offense, of course) I wrote out an outline of the verses, then an outline of the concepts/ideas I got from the verses, and then a word-for-word manuscript of what I wanted to say.
I'd actually only practiced preaching this sermon once on Monday night, once Tuesday night, and then a few times Wednesday before I had to give it. I've never been so scared of anything in my life, and to top it off I started getting a headache... Bad timing...but I took some aspirin and napped for an hour so it went away before it really began!
The purpose of my sermon was this, to let people know God has a plan a promise for their lives even when we feel like exiles. We've all been ostracized at some point in our lives before...whether it be missionaries in a foreign land, or a military person being deported... these are all extreme cases just like when the Israelites were exiled to Babylon. Nonetheless, we've all felt left out before, alone, meaningless, worthless. We've all questioned who we are at some point in our lives.
...when I got up on stage all my jitters disappeared after I prayed.
I was up on stage, like this is what I'm supposed to be doing the rest of my life, whether it be pastoring, or just being a motivational speaker...which has secretly always been a hidden desire of mine.
I'm so thankful I had great friends who came!
Thank you to Sarah, Beka, Heidi, Allie, Misty, Sophia, Kim, Breanne, Elyse and all who came. :)
It made that night really special and so much easier to preach in a loving environment!!
Everyone came up to me after service saying how great it was....how they didn't know I had such hidden talent. Someone even told me that he was going to say that I would make a great minister one day, but he said that I already was one. :) Pastor even joked about stealing my notes... hahaha!
But in all honesty, the sermon wasn't about me...it was about God and his plan. It wasn't about me being up on stage doing something fanciful for God. It wasn't me pointing out how spiritual I am. It was about me telling the people going through rough times that God has a plan even if they cannot see it in the midst of their sin, depression, anger, bitterness, etc. God is greater than the words I spoke, and I fumbled my words at times and could have used better illustrations..
The sermon itself wasn't great, but it was the lesson behind it that made it great.
I'm so thankful for my 3 months at this church. They even took up a love offering which meant a lot to me. Oh, and I got a cd of my sermon too! It's crazy when you're surrounded by an entire church that feels like family and wants to hug and kiss you ever week even if you haven't personally gotten to know them as well as you'd want.
This was just such a great experience and I thank God for the opportunity to be used for His glory.
God has a plan in the midst of exile, a plan and a promise that we can stand on. Know that, and don't ever forget it.
Jeremiah 29:10-14
Friday, August 17, 2012
Hopeless Romantics Anonymous.
Hi.
I'm Sarah.
And....I'm a hopeless romantic.
Thanks for accepting me into this support group,
Hopeless Romantics Anonymous. (HRA)
"Hello, Sarah."
Come have a seat..
"Thanks.. er.. I'm new to this."
"So are we, you'll be fine."
"Ok.."
"What are you here for?"
Well...this is where it begins.
The first step is to admit you have a problem.
And...I do.
It may help if I define a hopeless romantic for you.
My good friend, Urban Dictionary, defines it as such:
"This person is in love with love.
They believe in fairy tales and
love.
They're not to be confused as stalkers or creepy because that's not
what a hopeless romantic is.
All hopeless romantics are idealists,the
sentimental dreamers,the imaginative and the fanciful when you get to
know them.
They often live with rose colored glasses on.
They make
love look like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their
special someone."
Yep. That's me.
Idealist.
Sentimental dreamer.
Imaginative.
Fanciful.
I adore my rose colored glasses.
Romance is art..
You know.. I just wonder what it's like to reject someone.
It must feel nice as often as it happens to me.
If I could pay you to stab my heart and rip it out of my chest, I would.
But you're probably too good of a friend not to.
*sighs.. That's why I'm here. This stupid HRA meeting.
I'm conducting it myself, because, well, I made it up...
At times I wish it did exist though.
Actually, my heart isn't as broken as normal.
In fact, I feel nothing.
I'm sitting here staring at a screen, typing entirely too fast.
My brain isn't processing any of this, yet, I can't think of anything else to do.
I guess I could force myself to go to sleep.
I could force myself to cry.
Or...I could just sit here and think about what I've done.
I've told you how I feel.
That you're gorgeous.
Precious.
So smart and successful.
Nearly perfect in every way.
I knew I had no chance,
I expected your exact reply.
I even prepared myself.
There's just nothing like this bottomless pit sinking feeling in your stomach.
You almost want to curl over and die.
But you can't....because tomorrow you're going to wake up on the same side of the bed.
You're going to look at yourself in the mirror, and see the same person.
You're going to walk around like everything is alright.
It's going to be just another day in which you move forward...
Forcibly...
But you push yourself.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Happiness is Temporary.
You can say, "I just want to be happy.", but why would you want happiness when you can have joy?
Happiness doesn't last forever. Joy, however, that lasts forever...if you choose it.
You cannot have happiness without sadness....just like you cannot have cold without hot.
You cannot have wet without the dry.
You cannot have day without night.
All of these are merely the absence of the opposite.
It's only cold because there's the absence of heat.
It's only dry because there's the absence of wetness.
It's only night because of the absence of daylight.
Happiness is only the absence of sadness.
There's only one thing in this world that's forever: God.
He is unchanging.
He is mighty to save and move mountains.
He cannot be shaken, and nothing takes him by surprise.
When Jesus was on earth I'm certain that he felt everything we feel as humans.
He came from divinity into humanity and experienced the limitations we have as humans.
He felt sorrow, happiness, joy, betrayed, hungry, sleepy, etc.
He understands us.
He understands our emotions.
He won't be mad at us if we get mad at him.
He understands.
He understands sadness and depression.
He sees us in our highest moments in life and in our lowest.
Through all of this, through all the roller coasters in life, God is unchanging.
He doesn't experience mood swings.
His Law remains the same.
His love will stay unconditional.
If I could say anything to you at this very moment it would be to look to God to help you.
I am but a mere human and can only give you so many pep talks about guys and love before it gets old. I'm not supposed to handle all of this, because I'm not qualified to. You can tell a counselor anything. It's confidential and they will give you the highest advice any professional can give.
Maybe you haven't found someone to marry because you're not where you need to be.
There may still be something God wants you to work on before you take the next step in life.
You can focus on school, focus on graduating. Focus on starting up a great career for yourself. Get your license and buy a car. Make lots of new friends, GOOD ones who are GOOD influences. Get rid of any bad friends that cause you to have low self-esteem, the ones that abuse drugs and alcohol, and avoid sex at all costs.
Maybe I can explain it better...
I know you...
You get your hopes up, only to be let down every time.
You see so much potential in every guy, and they always end up failing you because they can't give you what you want. Your standards of men aren't high, but they always fall short because they're suffocated. Suffocated by the love that you want to give them...which isn't a bad thing. Love is very good, and very exciting, but man's love comes nowhere close to comparing with God's love. I really hope at some point in your life that you experience this love because right now I can tell that you haven't....and you haven't truly experienced love from guys either. If anything, the opposite.
I was watching an online sermon series called, "Love, Sex, and Dating" by Andy Stanley. It challenged me to rethink my concept of love, sex, and dating...obviously. Dating is nowhere in the Bible, for starters, so where do you get your foundation for dating from? That's a good question, and he answers it. I'd probably butcher it if I attempted to tell you that right now though considering it's been a year since I watched this. Sex....well, it's way more emotional than anyone ever thinks it is. That's what I hear, anyway. When God created sex, He did so within marriage. Anything outside of marriage is very dangerous and has drastic consequences, for one: rape. This isn't something to just take likely. You need to tell your parents, and if you don't, I will. I can't see you hurting anymore, and you need to get the help you deserve. You owe it to yourself to take better care of yourself. You owe it to your parents, and to the friends around you. When you dump all of this stuff on us we don't know how to respond and you don't get the help you need. You only get hurt friends, hurt family, hurt emotions, and you live in this victimized state of being....until the next guy comes. Then you think he will somehow fix all of your problems, and nothing matters more than being madly in love with him. Let me tell you that it just simply is false.
The next guy comes along...
By the second week of meeting him you're already "in a relationship".
You barely get to know each other, but by this time you've already been physical to some extent, even if it's just kissing.
UGH. It just upsets me.....coming from the perspective of someone who has never had a boyfriend. Let me show you what it looks like from the outside....you'll probably get mad, upset, hurt, but it has to be said. I'm not sorry, but I'm sorry I haven't said it sooner. I feel like a bad friend for not telling you these things sooner because that means you've been hurting for longer.
You get way too emotionally attached TOO early in any friendship/relationship.
The only way to fix this is to really just protect yourself. I know everyone is always telling you to put down your guards, and to not have barriers or walls between you and other people, but for the sake of your situation I'm telling you to SAFEGUARD yourself for the future. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." This verse is SO important because it's soooooo true. You have to protect yourself, or you're going to keep getting hurt....and eventually there will be nobody there to catch you, give you a pep talk, and listen to all your boyfriend stories. I can't stress it enough. You owe it to yourself to have self-respect and dignity and learn to tell guys, "No.".
Develop boundaries.
Any and all relationships have boundaries.
Marriages don't just develop overnight, and to protect your marriage and make it stronger you have to have boundaries. Why not start making boundaries now while you're dating that will roll over into having a great successful marriage one day?
I'm not here to tell you what those boundaries are, but you have to make them. I will help you, if you need. We can make them together. We need boundaries in our friendship, just like you have boundaries in the relationship you have with your parents.
Develop boundaries to protect yourself....
Here's a better way to think of it: We have fences in the playground so little kids don't run into traffic and get killed.
...I feel like you keep jumping over the fence and get hit by a different car each time.
STOP jumping over the fence and learn to play where it's safe.
It's as simple as that.
Develop yourself.
In all honesty, you're not the person I remember meeting. You've changed a lot, and granted, that's been like 3 years ago....you're not the same. I'm not the same. We all change, in good ways, and possibly bad. Change is a fact of life and it's inevitably going to happen. Nothing stays the same, so why should we?
I do miss the old you, though.
I miss the talks about God.
I miss our conversations that had no profanity in them.
I miss talking about other things besides MEN. Or sex, for that matter.
It's especially hard because you freely, openly talk about your lifestyle, while you know I'm blatantly trying to live a different one. I don't believe in sex before marriage. The Bible says it's wrong, and if you look around in this corrupt world you see many of the effects of it if you're willing to open your eyes. It creates a bond that's only meant for a spouse. When you do get married one day you will have to look at your husband and tell him all the bad things you've done, and how many people you've done them with. If you think about your future husband right now, what would you want him to be doing? Would you want him to be having sex with a different girl every night? No, you wouldn't. Would you want him to be saving himself for you? Yes, you would.
Would you want him to be struggling with STD's? NO. You absolutely would not.
Would you want him to be worrying about if he got someone pregnant or not? The answer is no.
Why would you have it any different for yourself?
You deserve self-respect. Respect your body. Your body deals with the consequences of it's sin.
Ephesians 5:3 says, "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people." God desires that we treat our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and acceptable unto Him. Sex is unholy if done outside of marriage, plain and simple. The sad part, is that you know this stuff. I could quote Scripture all day, but until there is a change in your heart none of this will help you.
You need a change of heart...
God wants to heal your heart....because He knows how many times it's been broken. And it makes him sad.
You are a child of God, but there are a lot of things that are separating you from God, and they have been for awhile. I've just been too chicken to tell you.
I want what's best for you. I'm not upset at all by writing this....and I know you may be upset with me for awhile for being brutally honest with you. But as your friend, I have to let this out.
I want to see you do great things in life...and I miss the optimistic girl who wanted to see these things happen.
Just know that you deserve more.
You deserve better.
But before God can bless you with a man to take care of the rest of your life, you have to take care of yourself. Spiritually, first. Emotionally, second. Everything else comes after this..
Happiness doesn't last forever. Joy, however, that lasts forever...if you choose it.
You cannot have happiness without sadness....just like you cannot have cold without hot.
You cannot have wet without the dry.
You cannot have day without night.
All of these are merely the absence of the opposite.
It's only cold because there's the absence of heat.
It's only dry because there's the absence of wetness.
It's only night because of the absence of daylight.
Happiness is only the absence of sadness.
There's only one thing in this world that's forever: God.
He is unchanging.
He is mighty to save and move mountains.
He cannot be shaken, and nothing takes him by surprise.
When Jesus was on earth I'm certain that he felt everything we feel as humans.
He came from divinity into humanity and experienced the limitations we have as humans.
He felt sorrow, happiness, joy, betrayed, hungry, sleepy, etc.
He understands us.
He understands our emotions.
He won't be mad at us if we get mad at him.
He understands.
He understands sadness and depression.
He sees us in our highest moments in life and in our lowest.
Through all of this, through all the roller coasters in life, God is unchanging.
He doesn't experience mood swings.
His Law remains the same.
His love will stay unconditional.
If I could say anything to you at this very moment it would be to look to God to help you.
I am but a mere human and can only give you so many pep talks about guys and love before it gets old. I'm not supposed to handle all of this, because I'm not qualified to. You can tell a counselor anything. It's confidential and they will give you the highest advice any professional can give.
Maybe you haven't found someone to marry because you're not where you need to be.
There may still be something God wants you to work on before you take the next step in life.
You can focus on school, focus on graduating. Focus on starting up a great career for yourself. Get your license and buy a car. Make lots of new friends, GOOD ones who are GOOD influences. Get rid of any bad friends that cause you to have low self-esteem, the ones that abuse drugs and alcohol, and avoid sex at all costs.
Maybe I can explain it better...
I know you...
You get your hopes up, only to be let down every time.
You see so much potential in every guy, and they always end up failing you because they can't give you what you want. Your standards of men aren't high, but they always fall short because they're suffocated. Suffocated by the love that you want to give them...which isn't a bad thing. Love is very good, and very exciting, but man's love comes nowhere close to comparing with God's love. I really hope at some point in your life that you experience this love because right now I can tell that you haven't....and you haven't truly experienced love from guys either. If anything, the opposite.
I was watching an online sermon series called, "Love, Sex, and Dating" by Andy Stanley. It challenged me to rethink my concept of love, sex, and dating...obviously. Dating is nowhere in the Bible, for starters, so where do you get your foundation for dating from? That's a good question, and he answers it. I'd probably butcher it if I attempted to tell you that right now though considering it's been a year since I watched this. Sex....well, it's way more emotional than anyone ever thinks it is. That's what I hear, anyway. When God created sex, He did so within marriage. Anything outside of marriage is very dangerous and has drastic consequences, for one: rape. This isn't something to just take likely. You need to tell your parents, and if you don't, I will. I can't see you hurting anymore, and you need to get the help you deserve. You owe it to yourself to take better care of yourself. You owe it to your parents, and to the friends around you. When you dump all of this stuff on us we don't know how to respond and you don't get the help you need. You only get hurt friends, hurt family, hurt emotions, and you live in this victimized state of being....until the next guy comes. Then you think he will somehow fix all of your problems, and nothing matters more than being madly in love with him. Let me tell you that it just simply is false.
The next guy comes along...
By the second week of meeting him you're already "in a relationship".
You barely get to know each other, but by this time you've already been physical to some extent, even if it's just kissing.
UGH. It just upsets me.....coming from the perspective of someone who has never had a boyfriend. Let me show you what it looks like from the outside....you'll probably get mad, upset, hurt, but it has to be said. I'm not sorry, but I'm sorry I haven't said it sooner. I feel like a bad friend for not telling you these things sooner because that means you've been hurting for longer.
You get way too emotionally attached TOO early in any friendship/relationship.
The only way to fix this is to really just protect yourself. I know everyone is always telling you to put down your guards, and to not have barriers or walls between you and other people, but for the sake of your situation I'm telling you to SAFEGUARD yourself for the future. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." This verse is SO important because it's soooooo true. You have to protect yourself, or you're going to keep getting hurt....and eventually there will be nobody there to catch you, give you a pep talk, and listen to all your boyfriend stories. I can't stress it enough. You owe it to yourself to have self-respect and dignity and learn to tell guys, "No.".
Develop boundaries.
Any and all relationships have boundaries.
Marriages don't just develop overnight, and to protect your marriage and make it stronger you have to have boundaries. Why not start making boundaries now while you're dating that will roll over into having a great successful marriage one day?
I'm not here to tell you what those boundaries are, but you have to make them. I will help you, if you need. We can make them together. We need boundaries in our friendship, just like you have boundaries in the relationship you have with your parents.
Develop boundaries to protect yourself....
Here's a better way to think of it: We have fences in the playground so little kids don't run into traffic and get killed.
...I feel like you keep jumping over the fence and get hit by a different car each time.
STOP jumping over the fence and learn to play where it's safe.
It's as simple as that.
Develop yourself.
In all honesty, you're not the person I remember meeting. You've changed a lot, and granted, that's been like 3 years ago....you're not the same. I'm not the same. We all change, in good ways, and possibly bad. Change is a fact of life and it's inevitably going to happen. Nothing stays the same, so why should we?
I do miss the old you, though.
I miss the talks about God.
I miss our conversations that had no profanity in them.
I miss talking about other things besides MEN. Or sex, for that matter.
It's especially hard because you freely, openly talk about your lifestyle, while you know I'm blatantly trying to live a different one. I don't believe in sex before marriage. The Bible says it's wrong, and if you look around in this corrupt world you see many of the effects of it if you're willing to open your eyes. It creates a bond that's only meant for a spouse. When you do get married one day you will have to look at your husband and tell him all the bad things you've done, and how many people you've done them with. If you think about your future husband right now, what would you want him to be doing? Would you want him to be having sex with a different girl every night? No, you wouldn't. Would you want him to be saving himself for you? Yes, you would.
Would you want him to be struggling with STD's? NO. You absolutely would not.
Would you want him to be worrying about if he got someone pregnant or not? The answer is no.
Why would you have it any different for yourself?
You deserve self-respect. Respect your body. Your body deals with the consequences of it's sin.
Ephesians 5:3 says, "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people." God desires that we treat our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and acceptable unto Him. Sex is unholy if done outside of marriage, plain and simple. The sad part, is that you know this stuff. I could quote Scripture all day, but until there is a change in your heart none of this will help you.
You need a change of heart...
God wants to heal your heart....because He knows how many times it's been broken. And it makes him sad.
You are a child of God, but there are a lot of things that are separating you from God, and they have been for awhile. I've just been too chicken to tell you.
I want what's best for you. I'm not upset at all by writing this....and I know you may be upset with me for awhile for being brutally honest with you. But as your friend, I have to let this out.
I want to see you do great things in life...and I miss the optimistic girl who wanted to see these things happen.
Just know that you deserve more.
You deserve better.
But before God can bless you with a man to take care of the rest of your life, you have to take care of yourself. Spiritually, first. Emotionally, second. Everything else comes after this..
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