Self-Doubt.

I had one of the most profound discoveries about myself this week.
It happened in preaching class.
I can't believe I couldn't identify my problem before now....

We were going over the subject, complement, and exegetical idea of certain passages.
We got to Psalm 73.
This Psalm has been speaking to me for a few weeks now... It's just so powerful, and exactly what I'm going through at the moment. Well, it feels like it anyway.
As we go over the Psalm, I realize that every time I've read it before I never really grasped what it was talking about.

Psalm 73 is a Psalm of Asaph.
The first half of the poem is describing what it feels like to experience the wicked getting blessed.
He starts by questioning, "surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart." (v.1)
Surely God is good to those who love him, who are faithful and obedient and pure.

"I had nearly lost my foothold" (v. 2). I think Asaph meant that seeing the wicked prosper makes it soooo tempting to give up on God and become wicked yourself. "I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked." This is a pretty normal feeling I've had for at least the past few years.... Like, why am I over here struggling when all my friends have everything else I could ever want!??? But ultimately, they have the world, but I have Jesus. And Jesus lasts longer.

"They have no struggles....they are free...." (v. 4,5)
Asaph goes on to describe the pride, violence, evil conceits of their mind, calloused hearts, arrogance, and malice.  They claim to know heaven, but take up possessions of the earth. But suddenly....he switches, and the last half of the Psalm is about what Asaph himself has been doing in obedience to God.

He transitions with another questioning moment, "How can God know? does the Most High have knowledge?" (v. 11) In my own terms, "Ok God....do you see what you're doing?" Asaph begins to doubt himself, he says, "surely in vain have I kept my heart pure". Surely I have been obedient.....was it all in vain?

"When I try to understand all this, it was oppressive to me". In my words, "I can't make any sense of this...I just don't get it." THEN, the moment of truth, Asaph makes a huge realization: "...till I entered the sanctuary of God, then I understood their final destiny".

It wasn't until he entered the sanctuary that he realized their fate.....separation from God.
Asaph begins to realize that they have everything going right for them, except the most important thing: God.
"You cast them down to ruin" (v. 18). "How suddenly are they destroyed completely swept away by terrors!" He realizes the destiny of the wicked.

My favorite part is coming up..... :)
Asaph makes you feel what he was feeling....
His heart was grieved, with a bitter spirit.
He was senseless and ignorant.
A brute beast.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a brute beast when I stand before God.
When I'm dealing with emotions that are too much to handle, I feel like a monster when I bring them before a holy God, then I realize what the next verse says. "Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand." God holds us by the hand, and he's always with us as long as we are with him. Even when we're brute beasts.

There's nothing I desire on earth except Jesus. And he isn't even on earth. "Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you." (v. 25). When our flesh and hearts may fail, God is still our strength and portion forever. (v. 26)

Finally...the passage ends with the best part!!
"Those who are far from you will perish." It's a promise. There's no question: the wicked parish.
God destroys all who are unfaithful.
"As for me, it is good to be near God." (v. 28)

Repeat: "As for me, it is good to be near God." (v. 28)

Not only did we go over this Scripture, my teacher also said something magnificent.
He said that the exegetical (main) idea of this Psalm was "self-doubt".
Asaph was doubting who God was. He was doubting himself.
He was comparing himself to someone who was far from God.
He desired the earthly things that person had without realizing that all he needs is to be near to God.

As I'm experience great self-doubt about who I am sometimes I have to stop and realize that all of these emotions are normal. It's normal for any human being to compare ourselves to another. To compare ourselves to the wicked, even if God is blessing them in physical ways. If we feel forgotten or left out to dry it's easier to grieve and feel bitter.

My most profound realization was that I suffer from self-doubt. I never realized these viscous emotional cycles I go on. Then I realized I was grieving and my heart was bitter and becoming calloused to being near to God because he was blessing the wicked above me.
Don't let that be you.
Don't let others belittle your emotions.
Sometimes I don't think it's acceptable to feel the emotions I do....but....they're real. And I'm a real human..

This week my friend gave me the most SPIRITUAL answer. (I HATE SPIRITUAL ANSWERS).
Spiritual answers are a way of trying to help someone that belittles them and makes them feel like they're not trusting God to be who He is.
I was dealing with deep emotions and my friend says, "just trust God", "everything will be ok", "God has a plan", etc....
I'm sure you've heard this stuff before.
It's really no wonder that Christians are labeled "intolerable", because well, they'd rather cover up emotions with a spiritual answer.
My advice to you is to realize the emotion you're feeling. Mine was self-doubt, exactly like this Psalm describes.
Don't let someone belittle the way you feel, or try to cover it up. Covering up the emotions you're feeling only causes them to come out more negatively later in life and they just continue to build up and build up.
Surround yourself with friends who try to boost your self-doubt. Who encourage you and love you despite you being a brute beast at times.