I have a love/hate relationship with love.

There comes a point in your life when you realize you're tired at working at relationships.
For me...that point is now....age 21.
Maybe I'm the only one who's felt this way, and that's fine.
I'm just sharing my thoughts and feelings........

As I look back over the past 6 years of my life, I can only think of a few things.
1. I wasted time worrying about boys.
2. I wasted time ON boys.

I'm not addicted to them, and I don't love every one of them.
I refuse to believe that I wear my heart on my sleeve, but my sleeve seems awfully wet from drying tears they've cause to fall from me.
I'd like to think I'm merely figuring out God's greatest attribute: love. loving. lover.
After all, God is THE greatest lover. He is love.
I can't argue the definition of love, and all that encompasses it...because....I can't get my mind around it. It's as simple as that.....the conclusion it took me 6 years to find. Love is too great for me to comprehend, because God is too great for me to comprehend.

I will never understand why He loves me. It's obvious that no man on earth has ever loved me in return, which is hard to swallow, but at the same time, it's easy to realize that an infinite being you've never met loves you deeply and intimately. I'm still trying to figure that one out.

I'll be honest, in the midst of loneliness the only thought that enters my mind deals with love.
The love of God.
The love He freely gives.
The only love I've ever known.
The greatest love I've ever known.

Right now, this very moment....1:47am, there's no place I'd rather be than with Jesus.
No more pain, no more worrying, no more heartbreaks.
The perfect picture of love standing right in front of me.

He loves me when no one else does.
When you think all love in the world is lost.
Or when love seems to happen for everyone else except you.
When you think you've lost your chance at it, or from ever experiencing it, you realize...you just don't give a rip anymore. At least, that's where I'm at.

I probably won't care if a guy never talks to me again. For the rest of my life.
I'm sure after awhile females would get boring, and too dramatic for me, but the thought of never having to worry about men seems like sort of a relief.
In fact, living in a world of women is the only solution to not worrying about men that I can come up with at this moment. Then again, it is 1:50 in the morning and I wish my laundry would hurry up.

I guess...the point in writing this is... that I refuse to get my hopes up. I refuse to like someone who doesn't like me back. I refuse to let my interest and curiosity get me into trouble and heartache because, well, it's just not worth it anymore. If you play a sport and suck uber bad....eventually you stop playing. You give up, throw in the towel, and walk away. But, it's ok...because that's when you feel free and such relief.

I felt that way when I walked away from my last softball game. Relief. I formed a love hate relationship with it. On the fence of deciding you hate something, or love it. So then you just decide it has to be both because it's easier than actually having to choose indefinitely.

That's where I'm at. I have a love/hate relationship with love. Or maybe I just hate loving and not being loved back. God is enough. God's love is enough... keep repeating this....