Mid-Year Reflect.

It appears as though nearly half the year has gone by and I have utterly failed at all of my New Year's resolutions. (See previous blog post.) But....that's okay. The Lord has really been showing me that there is not even one ounce of guilt, shame, or condemnation for those who are His children. 

The world tells me that it's about performance. This has become particularly evident with graduations happening about this time of year. The long robes, the multi-colored cords that hang from your neck, the plaques, awards, trophies, etc. Those are all awesome achievements! They definitely deserve respect and honor, and they all took hard work and excellence. It glorifies God, that's for sure. But, even then, God must be honored outside the classroom too, and outside of the numerous activities we can be involved in. 

It's been two years since I graduated college and really just feel like I have nothing to show for it except a bunch of debt, and the daily financial strains it has caused my family. However, I remind myself that I did finish. I'm the first to finish. That's something to be proud of, but something to be humble about...because now I work two jobs trying to knock out my debt while I'm young. The debt weighs on me. My car payment weighs on me. I feel guilty for buying clothes, even the small things like a bottle of water or gum. Budgeting has helped me, certainly, but the debt still weighs over my head and my heart for my family. 

I know something radical is about to happen. I'm thinking about selling everything I have just to pay off as much debt as possible. Sell my car. Sell every nice thing I have of worth. I've considered travelling to another country to teach English as a Second Language. Getting my TESOL certificate. If I leave the country for 2 years I can pay all of my debt off. Yet, if I stay, I will be paying on it for at least the next 10 years. I just want to be free.

These two ideas aren't really related, just something I've been thinking about a lot. Many times I've just dreaded reading my Bible, and I just haven't done it. Worship became dull. Life seemed dark for awhile there, but God is the hope that saves me and continues to save me each day. Moving, starting a new job, attending a new church, etc, has been really great for me. I just know there's something more. There's something more radical God is calling me to do. I just want to know what that is. 

Today I traded shifts with someone and got to sleep in. I got to wake up and listen to worship with a clear mind - not tired. I got to journal and be inspired. God isn't calling us to live a life NOT free. He calls us to live free. I left that time feeling inspired and encouraged and full of hope for the future. I won't always have debt. I won't always work two jobs. I will get to travel the world someday. I will get to do the radical things God is calling me to do!

Sorry..this is probably an incomplete thought with bad transitions between idea concepts, but does anybody else feel this way??

Some NEW New Year's Resolutions, or Mid-Year Resolutions....haha... are these: 

Note: I've given up the performance based resolutions...time for the real hard stuff God wants to show me.

1. Accept God's grace for myself.
2. Accept God's goodness through the dark and happy times both.
3. Forgive yourself. 
4. Walk in freedom.
5. Keep being a financial beast.
6. Travel more.
7. View singleness as a God-given opportunity to better yourself, progress towards the future, and serve God to the fullest.
8. Clean eating.
9. Join Fusion Fitness and within 1 year be in the best physical shape of my life.
10. Stop living in fear.
11. Stop living in fear.
12-infinity: STOP LIVING IN FEAR. 

Actually, there is a 13: Accept God's love for me, and ultimately, accept Him as my Father.

2015, Welcome.

For the past few days I have been searching vigorously through old files, flash drives, emails, etc. I cannot find my New Year's resolutions for 2014..... they are nowhere to be found. No wonder this year was tough....there was no vision.

Every year since since 2010 I have set goals for myself and I've darn near reached every one of them by the end of it. 2015 will be no different. While most of my goals are personal, financial, emotional, etc., this year my aim is to work on the more spiritual.

1. Protect my personal devotion time with the Lord. 
- Less distractions, no Facebooking, even less worship music. Just me and God talking like best friends, every single day without exception.
-Find good devotional book, continue journaling.

2. Learn to play/sing more worship songs.
-Find out what keys work best for me.
-Get better at playing solo/leading instead of following.
-Challenge myself vocally.
-Practice at least twice a week outside of usual practice

3. Serve the church more faithfully. 
-Be involved, but not too involved in order to avoid burnout.
-Serve in areas that will stretch me and push me out of my comfort zone.
-Tithe above 10%
-Pay my ministerial renewal before the very last day of the year.....................never fails.

4. Snag more preaching engagements.

5. Study more.
-A few days ago I jokingly wrote a Facebook status noting that half of my education comes from articles found online and the other half from Pinterest DIY tutorials... this will need to change.
-Read about things I've never thought about studying before.. just continue being a learner.

6. Work on preaching calendar and sermon series for the future.
-Need to find better reading materials to help with this.
-Work on commentary collection, pastoral resources.

7. Travel.
-Wisconsin, Texas, Minnesota, Alabama... you are all on my list. 

8. Cherish family time more.

9. Develop culinary skills further.
-Or marry a chef.

10. Run a handful of 5K's.
-Under 35 minutes is the goal.

11. Get gym membership.

12. Healthier lifestyle.
-Lose 30 pounds.
-Wear a size 12 in pants, medium in shirts.

13. Become a financial expert.
-Excel in new position at the credit union.
-Invest in a money market, IRA, HSA, etc. 
-Pay off my car! 

14. Make more guy friends.
-...and keep them. Ha.

15. Be more adventurous. 
-Get out there and freakin' do something dangerous for once! 

There you have it. :)

How to be an Excellent Woman - Proverbs 31.

Well, if you're reading this you probably want to know how to become a better woman, better yet, an excellent woman. Or, you want to marry one someday. 

Why am I writing this? For the past few weeks I've been really trying to figure out what qualities men desire in a wife. Turns out, the Bible already has a recipe for that. It also turns out that I'm not a Proverbs 31 woman....yet. Actually, I'm pretty freakin' far from it which is exactly why I'm writing this.

If you read the first 9 verses of Proverbs you will see the type of woman you don't want to marry - a mistress. Verse 2 begins, "What are you doing, my son?" You can go ahead and read those verses, but let's skip to all of the qualities you want to have as a female, or desire in your future wife. 

Disclaimer: This is my mere exegesis of this... however, it is supported by commentary so take it as you will.

The Woman Who Fears the Lord - Proverbs 31:10-31

10: "An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels." - In ancient times jewelry was a symbol of wealth, social status, authority, and royalty. It was valued so much that it was almost seen as a form of currency. Wow. A good wife is rare, special, and highly valuable. 

Note: Proverbs 18:22 solidifies this with, "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord."

11: "The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain." - A good wife is trusted. 

12: "She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." - A good wife is supportive of her husband and does him no harm. All the days of her life...not just some days, all days. 

13: She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands." - She is willingly a hard worker. I assume this means she is a seamstress of sorts and knows how to work with textiles (fabrics). Ladies, learn to sew. I guarantee you one day your husband will need you to sew on a button for him. How cute is that!? :)

14: "She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar." - Feed the guy. Learn to cook.. this is probably how we will win them over. I don't really know how to cook so this is the first skill I'm trying to learn to domesticate myself more. I have the sewing thing down, and a machine to prove it! 

15: "She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens." - In my Bible the commentary notes explain this verse as, "before the day begins, the "excellent wife" multiplies the effectiveness of her work, because her planning enables everyone else in her household to be productive throughout the day." In modern day, I assume this means she is efficient in all her ways: arises early to make breakfast for the kids, get them dressed, and sends them off to school, picks out her husband's clothing, makes his coffee (eh, maybe not), etc. Whatever she does, she is productive all day long. 

16: "She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard." - An excellent woman is business/career-minded. She is financially educated, and I assume she also maintains a pretty stellar garden. 

17: "She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong." - Athletic to some degree. She at least takes care of her body to some extent and dresses well. 

18: "She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night." - "her merchandise" - She is probably good at making things, crafts, etc. She even stays up late to do it if it will ensure a profit for her or her family.

19: "She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle." - A distaff and spindle are both tools used to make thread from wool. An excellent woman has a range of abilities that involve manual and commercial labor, administrative and interpersonal skills. 

20: "She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy." - She must be giving, considerate, and compassionate for the less fortunate. 

21: "She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet." - She prepares for the weather before clothing her family? 

22: "She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple." - She makes clothing? Quilting? Probably crocheting and knitting, too.. there has to be a correlation to this and all the old women who have successful marriages with their first and only husband. I just know it.

23: "Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land." - She makes her husband proud because of her noble character. The quality is probably the most important because an excellent wife helps give you a good reputation. 

24: "She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant." - She's an entrepreneur! 

25: "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come." - She's modest and has self respect, not only in her clothing choices, but also in her manner and how she carries herself.

26: "She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." - She's wise and teaches kindness. 

Note: Most of the time in wisdom literature (Proverbs, among other books), wisdom is personified using men, however, this passage shows that it equally applies to women as well. Proverbs can be understood by both men and women.

27: "She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness." - She is not lazy. She is diligent in caring for her home: cooking, cleaning, etc. Am I saying she is the only one doing all the work? No. Is this a feminist push for women to be the typical housewife? No. An excellent woman is not lazy in any way.

28 and 29: "Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 'Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all." - I honestly think this means that she raises her children to be well-behaved, and they love her for it. Her husband praises her for it. Her children have a good relationship with her and everyone realizes the value in the family. 

30: "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." - I know, every girl quotes this, right? Well that just means it's probably true. I mean, it does say that "beauty is vain", yet so many guys base their decision to date a girl by her looks. Her charm will fade, her beauty will fade, but her fear of the Lord must never fade. Beauty is a bonus, Godliness first.

My commentary says, "The mention of a woman who fears the Lord at the end of this long list of excellent qualities, brings back the theme of the book of Proverbs states in 1:7 (fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom). It reminds readers that this woman excels in her fear of the Lord, and therefore that she is a model of the character traits and wisdom taught throughout the book's 31 chapters. The appearance of this woman's fear of the Lord at the end of the list is also a reminder that this quality is more important than even great skill and talent, and is foundational to the wise and right use of all activities and skills. 

31: "Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates." - Husbands, praise your wife for how excellent she is. This is your sign of love to her. 

As an overview, some of the qualities I listed to make you an excellent woman include: 

Trusting

Be good to him, supportive

Hardworking

Taking care of the household, kids.

Business/career-minded

Financially educated

Athletic, strong

Gardener

Crafty, makes things

Stays up late if needed to put family first

Giving

Makes her husband proud of her, noble character

Gives her husband a good reputation

Modest, self-respect

Dignity

Wise

Teacher

Not lazy

Beautiful, charming, but first of all, Godly.

At the end of the day, I just want to be more like a Proverbs 31 woman. If there could ever be a perfect woman, she's probably the closest we will ever find. If she can be found.. 

"An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels..." 

Leave it All Behind.

Well, I plan on moving away. Somewhere far, far away. Maybe not now, maybe not in a year.. but someday. For the past two years at right about this time of year, actually, God has given me opportunities to leave Springfield. Numerous occasions, to be exact. But for some reason... I'm just not ready yet.

Honestly, at one point in time it seemed like nothing here was working out. I wasn't where I wanted to be in life. No stellar jobs were opening up. There was nothing here that I wanted to do or pursue. Everything seemed like a dead end. 

Pursue youth ministry - Nope, not the right fit.

Pursue a Master's Degree - Getting accepted doesn't mean you should do it.

Move back home, find a job, pay off bills, save money - I can't go back there.

Pack up everything and move to Wisconsin to start over. - ....getting closer, but no.

Well, if there's anything I've learned through all of this, it is that decision making grieves me at times. I was torn for about a month on the youth pastor position. Do it? Don't do it? Not the right time? Do I need more school? My fear got in the way.

Pursue a Master's Degree? Sure, why not. More school would postpone me having to make any further decisions about my future, postpone my loan payments, and give me more time to think about the future. Plus, it would look good to everyone else around me that I'm still an intellectual who cares about education. Also, it looks freaking good on a resume and could make me more money one day. And make me feel smarter than half the world. Ok, God? Well, no, Sarah, not a good decision either.

Move back home? No, there's a baby in the house now. There is no room for you. Leave the nest already.

Move to Wisconsin? Lead Spanish worship? Just quit your job and use your last $200 to drive up here and make a new life? There's something so extremely frightening about that... yet something so incredibly freeing that I almost did it. But...here's why I didn't. 

Pros of Moving to WI:

New life.

Living with some of my best friends.

Their two adorable, precious babies.

Snow!

Already having a church home lined up.

Getting to be involved in the Spanish speaking community! (I have a heart for them.)

Possibly preaching in Spanish fluently one day? (A girl can dream/cast vision!)

Meeting a Spanish man? ay ay ay.

Stepping out of my comfort zone.

Cons of Moving to WI:

Running away from past hurts and broken relationships.

Running from God. 

Financial instability until I found a job.

Recent car problems - Would I make it there safely?

Leaving my church here

Quitting my job wouldn't look good on a resume. 

Want to know the real reason I couldn't leave? 

Because I was planning on doing it the wrong way - discreetly. 

I didn't want to tell anyone where I was going, what I would be doing, who I would be living with, why I was leaving. I didn't want to say goodbye to my church, I would just leave. I didn't want to give a proper two weeks notice, I would just call in and quit. I didn't even want to say bye to my family. I would just pack up the car, leave the keys to my house, fill up the tank, and pursue life somewhere else. 

Nobody would miss me.

Nobody would care.

Work would hire someone else - I'm very replaceable. 

Church has other guitarists - They wouldn't even realize I was gone. 

Then...in the midst of all this I had some revelations. While moving away would seem to be new life.. my past would follow me. My hurts and brokenness would still be there. My heart would still be dissatisfied at the end of the day....just hours and hours away. Hours away from family, financial security, a church family that means just as much to me as my blood family, and the place I grew up.

What does this mean?

It means you can't just run away from your problems. 

There comes a day when you have to grow up, be mature, and face your past and your fears head on. 

How do you do this? It's easy. You wake up one day and pray, "God, I want to grow up. I want to be able to take care of myself. Teach me how. Teach me how to be more like you. Teach me how to be selfless and put others first. Teach me how to control my speech and actions. Teach me how to glorify you in all that I do. Teach me how to have solid spiritual disciplines. Show me more sermons to write. Show me how to deepen my faith. Humble me." You just cry out to God and ask Him to show you how to be a better person - more like Him. 

Believe me, if you want it, He will show it to you. You have more things to work on than you realize. 

I understand that things don't change overnight, but sometimes you wake up and things just make sense. Things just click. Your brain problem solves and you know what you have to do.

I want a real job.

I want to act my age, but I'm surrounded by people much younger than me.

I want older friends I can learn and mature from.

I want to learn how to meet my physical needs better.

I want to get on a healthy routine/schedule in life. 

I want to be even more financially secure. 

I want to pursue ministry and marriage someday. Both in their proper times.

I want to be seen as a professional.

I want to be seen as a pastor - a role model for young girls.

I want to be confident and believe in myself.

I woke up and realized the only thing holding me back from these things was myself. Andy Mineo said something once, "My biggest enemy is me, and even I can't stop me."

I knew I couldn't run. It wouldn't get me anywhere. I had to stay and face my fears, make things right, enjoy my family while they were still close, work to save up and pay off debt. 

I had to get myself out of this hole I threw myself into...with God's help, obviously. I'm not saying I'm finished, but I'm ready to step up and be mature about it and make changes. One of my good friends told me bluntly that I need to stop complaining about my situation and just change it if I didn't like it. I'm going to do just that. 

"God wants you to just make a decision and stick with it. You've been trying to survive for so long now that you need to pick something and just stick with it. You can stay there or come here, but just pick and do it. You say you're coming and then you're not. If you're going to stay there then stop complaining about it and change your situation."

Wisconsin had a lot to offer, but it wouldn't have been the right decision. I would have moved there and ended up doing the same thing I'm doing here, just hours away. I would have been going for the wrong reasons and motives and, well, that just doesn't settle well with God.

I absolutely believe that God can call us to a specific location. I also believe that God has us rooted somewhere for a reason, and it just wasn't my time to leave yet. He's still molding me and using me where I am so why pack up and move away from the very thing He is desiring me to do? 

It is time to mature and settle into what God is doing in me, in my church, and in my family. He is fixing it all. He is aligning things up for my future that I know nothing about. I need to enjoy my time here instead of fighting it and wishing I were doing something else.

It's time to grow up, be an adult, and learn maturity in all that I do. I'm ready to move forward from the past, and embrace all that God has for my future. The hardest part is being willing to be humbled and lay down your fear in that entire process. Like I said, it won't happen overnight, but I know this is what God desires of us. 

It's time to grow up, Sarah. Take responsibility for your actions, deal with your issues, face your problems, and make wiser choices for the future. 

God's Goodness.

These past few months have been some of the most grueling months I've endured in the bane of my existence.

Not only has God been showing me that certain things I wanted were not truly what I wanted, but He's also been showing me how much He loves me. And let me tell you, it's a lot. This is going to sound like the most cliche blog you've probably ever read...but keep reading. God not only loves you so much that He sent Jesus to die for you, but He continues to show it to you everyday if you let Him. And.....if you trust Him.

Let me start where it all began. It was the middle of August when everything seemed to be going well. I had a full time job, and a part time job that I seemed to be handling quite well. Sure, I was tired from working 8am-midnight every night, but I was managing and the money was great. Yet, it seemed I was working for nothing.. I felt unappreciated, unnoticed, and that maybe God was sort of punishing me for getting into debt and forcing me to get myself out of it. Eventually, I was not doing so hot at either jobs. I was really tired, irritable, barely making it to work on time, not caring about my performance, etc. 

Well, once my temporary job had ended that's when I realized how much I missed the security of it all. I worked in a safe environment, with safe people, for a safe organization. By "safe" I mean, "secure", "Christian", and that there was no amount of spiritual warfare whatsoever. God's presence resided over that place, but I still felt like it was all fake. My opinions still haven't changed much. You an add this onto the previous blog I posted about not having things turn out as I wanted or expected. 

Anyway...what is the point of this and how does it relate to God's love? Well, here goes. 

Once this position ended I was left with just my second retail customer service job. I definitely didn't want to make a career of it, but I am so thankful I had it to fall back on. These past few months I've gotten more hours there and have got to have some really great conversations about the Lord with numerous people. Working in customer service has had its advantages, and very few disadvantages if I could even think of any. However, I know this is not my calling forever....retail, that is. Yet, my calling is to love people like that every day in every way...every type of person. And in customer service you definitely get them all. 

I felt stranded, alone, anxious, cold, numb, frightened, etc. You name it, I felt it. Sometimes you never realize a good thing when you have it. In hindsight, I wouldn't change what happened...I couldn't have changed what happened, but I wished it had worked out differently!! However, God's plan was to teach me through it, not prevent me from it. After this position, I had a really great job lined up with a local nonprofit. I would help with their marketing for their financial business, and then help with the nonprofit doing their events. 

I had to plan a 5k. So, I did. And after it....they suddenly didn't have any hours for me. This was an answer to prayer on both ends, and I'm glad it didn't work out. Such an odd thing to say, "I'm glad it didn't work out." The 5K didn't turn out as well as we had hoped for, but it was a torrential downpour that day and I guarantee you that's half the reason. We were all still happy it happened how it did. It is finished and we know how to make next year's even better! I count this as a win. Well, somewhat.

After a few weeks of being there we had a discussion about how things were going, the 5K, what to change, how to grow for next year, etc. I was pretty happy there, so I didn't expect that I would be basically out of a job by the end of it.. but that's exactly what happened. All of the employees had been reorganizing and restructuring as we had planned on expanding into the next office suite. This transition process was taking way longer than anticipated, and truth be told, the construction company should have been released from the project. Near the end of September I had my last day there, but was told I could still do the social media and keep in contact with clients. I was happy with that...but I know that "restructuring" and "reorganizing" translated to "you aren't a good fit", and "we don't have room for you". I was crushed. 

For the first time in my life I was sort of "let go" from a job, however, technically, the job hasn't ended. I'm still volunteering and helping where I can when they need it, but as far as paying my bills went... I was let go. This is the scariest and most uncomfortable position I've ever been in. That feeling of being unwanted, not good enough, not professional enough, not intellectual enough, not fitting in.....the list could continue. I felt it...and man, did it hurt. 

What was I going to do? 

How were my bills going to be paid? 

I'm going to get behind on rent...

I have to worry about having enough gas and food....

UGH. Fear, worry, doubt, insecurity and uncertainty all crept in. I've already had my parents giving me a difficult time about finances and wanting me to take over my loan payments... this is literally the worst thing that could have happened to me. Little did I know that it would get worse. 

People will come looking for your rent money, whether or not you have all of it. They will take the last bit of cash you have, even if it's for food. The bills that you were getting ahead on will fall way behind and you wonder when tax collectors will come and find you. You start to wonder how your car payment will get paid and if they will come repossess your car. Well, that'd really be the end of it because you couldn't get to work to make MORE money! Such a vicious, greedy, financial cycle we live in. Ironically, I love finances and nerd out for any sort of financial discussion...and that will be further explained in a later blog. Hold tight.

Thus...the job hunt began...and boy was it awful. The longest month and a half of my life, undoubtedly. I hate spending 2 hours on one online application and having to type up a new cover letter for every company! Sure, you save a template and change a few things to tweak it for each new place, but it still just absolutely blows. What's even worse? Having a long interview, thinking it went well, sending a follow-up email, doing everything right, yet having nobody call you back.

One time I even had a 3 hour long group meeting, took numerous personality tests, timed and untimed math tests, problem solving tests, aptitude tests...and still nothing. I was the first done with every test. I aced the math portion. I had a strong personality type that fit the job description. The next day they even sent me homework to do. I had to create an excel line graph documenting the annual rainfall in Australia from 1950-2000. No joke. I wish I could make this up. I thought I was done with college and homework!? Oh, and I also had to create a business letter addressed to a company in another state, give the client his representative's name, and confirm the time of a meeting, all of which could be found by Google. I spend 5 hours on it just to be sure I did it correctly. After waiting with anxiety for a week and a half they finally sent an email saying how strong of a candidate I was but that they had went with someone else. Yet, they encouraged me to reapply in the future because of my skill sets. 

Again, why am I writing all of this? Because it documents every intricate detail of how God is good and faithful to His children. Sure, I didn't get the answer I wanted, and it sure as heck wasn't in the time frame I wanted (immediately, of course), but God provided. 

My bills were always taken care of. Sure, I got behind (and am still behind) on a few of them, but I always had food and gas and the essentials of life. God provided the right job, at the right time, too. 

I guess the point of this story is not to talk about jobs and finances, it's to talk about the sheer goodness and graciousness of God. I absolutely don't deserve anything I have, but out of the sheer love God has for us, He freely gives to us. 

He doesn't give to us because we are the most faithful Christian on earth. 
He doesn't give to us and provide for us because we look the best.
He doesn't give to us because we say the most spiritual of things.
He doesn't give to us because we are devout to church and even play on the worship team or lead a Sunday School class.

He gives to us because He loves us. We don't deserve His blessings...and there's absolutely no formula or routine thing we can do to earn them. It's free. A gift. We never know what it will be, or when it will come...but He will provide for you. He will give you what you need. I've done so many things wrong in this process, but thankfully it has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with God and His character.

I didn't deserve to be saved. I'm a wretched human being with a wicked and extremely sinful heart. My heart is the dirtiest part of my being, and it's internal so it's not something I can just change overnight. My character is imperfect, yet always learning and desiring to change and be transformed. Well, the good news is that while we're imperfect and in process, God gives to us because He loves us. And....He can take away from us....because that's still a sign of His love, too. 

3 things I can never argue: 
God is love.
God is good.
God is gracious.

2014: A Year Unexpected

Well... The year is halfway over, and I've yet to really accomplish anything significant, in my opinion. In fact, it seems quite opposite. Nothing has gone as planned in 2014. I have not achieved any goals I've set for myself, I'm not where I thought I would be. 

Maybe this is a good thing.

In 2014: 

• Applied to Graduate School - got accepted - not going....maybe later in life when I can get paid more for it.
• Applied for my Substitute Teaching Certificate - got fingerprinted but didn't finish the process.
• Applied for good jobs at other non-profits/organizations - not meant to be.
• Got a second part-time job at Academy to get ahead on payments - conquering that debt snowball.
• Had way more car problems in the past few months than I ever have - expensive as heck.
• Got a job with a financial advisory place, and get to lead a non-profit that benefits the community! - Yay!
• Successfully planned the Centennial - longest 5 months ever...especially when you can barely understand the customers who have questions from around the world.
• My first niece was born!
• My name has been in the local newspaper twice within one week of each other for two different organizations! - Pretty cool. 
• Got to officiate my first wedding for my best friend! - Whom later sent me a ukulele in the mail. Does it get any better? No.
• Made some great new friendships, and developed some already good ones!
• Got to lead worship solo on acoustic for the first time ever on a Sunday morning. - God works out your fears and calls you to have faith in the areas that most intimidate you.
• Paid off my school bill and received my diploma.
• Brainstormed and implemented an Events Coordinator position at church and I get to fill that role and help fulfill the vision of True Life Church. - What an honor, and exciting spot to be in!

None of these things I could have imagined happening. I did not know that I would make such good friends at Academy, or get a really great job that gives back to the community. In fact, I thought I would work at another non-profit. I also thought I'd be back in school, but as much as I want that it is not the right time. Then again, when I think about the homework I absolutely feel burnt out. This is probably a good thing, and too expensive of a thing to waste time on. I didn't see myself getting into the financial world, or event planning whatsoever, but it's really rewarding. If I could have planned 2014 it would have looked nothing like this. It probably would have had these options: 

• Work with a nonprofit.
• Work at a restaurant making cash every night.
• Work at the same job Full-Time.
• Still doing the same thing on the worship team, not really progressing as a musician.
• Having a roommate or a house full of them.
• Pursuing a Master's and maybe throw in some substitute teaching.
• Start looking for open churches to begin ministry.
• Start dating this guy someone set me up with. 

There's probably more, but I can't think of any at the moment. Anyway, 2014 would not have looked anything like it does now - halfway through. This has definitely been a year of discovery. In the end, God lines up paths for you and opens doors and it's way easier to trust Him with your future than it is for you to worry about it and try to MAKE things happen. I know, you're probably thinking this blog is in vain because of pointing out all of my "accomplishments", but I for sure posted some setbacks too. Things aren't always as they seem, and many times won't live up to your expectations....but there will be something out there that will, eventually.

I can't wait to see where 2015 takes me. Literally...... :) or who it brings me. ha! 

Life is Simply Unpredictable.

"Are you okay with your life not turning out as you planned?"

My answer was, of course, "No." And it was an honest answer. 

I woke up one morning and the Holy Spirit dropped into my heart this one sentence that would forever change my perspective of myself and God.

"Are you OKAY with your life not turning out as you planned?" To someone who is a perfectionist, an over-achiever, a performance driven person - this answer is no, and it always will be....until you let God drastically change you. That's exactly what I needed to do. 

If you answered this question with, "No" then you have some serious control issues to work through. Hey, don't get offended, I did too. And still do, for that matter. You and I are in the same boat. 

Anyway, my journal entry for April 15, 2014 was simply this question, "Are you okay with your life not turning out as you planned?" The answer should be "No" for many reasons. For example, wanting to do better, wanting to achieve certain goals, wanting to get married and have kids, wanting to go back to school and get a Master's Degree and start a great career making lots of money. I don't know about you but I want to have a nice house, car, a family that loves me, a job I enjoy waking up for every morning, delicious food to eat every day, etc. These are all admirable, wholesome things... until they get in the way of GOD'S plan for your life. 

See, God's plan is far greater than anything we can imagine. Our human, finite brains can only fathom things that make sense. God simply does not make sense sometimes, and we have to be okay with that because He IS God, after all. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want a God that I could understand at all times. Life just wouldn't be fun, and God would be emptied of his power and awe. 

This question really plagued me.. I knew I had the wrong answer, and that my heart wasn't where it needed to be. I was putting MY plans for my life before God's plans. How many of you know that just never works out? And if it does, we are cutting ourselves short of something greater. God's plans are divine, mine are not. 

This is getting a bit lengthy so I will just leave you with this thought to ponder for yourself, "Are you putting your plans above God's plans?" Yes, God sees your heart, your desires, your longings, your feelings, and he hears your thoughts and prayers. However, we need to be able to get to the place of thinking, "Yes, I'm okay with my plans not being greater than YOUR plans for my life." 

My plans for my life: (or so I thought)
-Date/Marry so and so.
-Get a Youth Pastor position and have everything I could ever need.
-Get accepted into a Master's Program.
-Get a G.A. to pay for this program and have EVERYTHING for college paid for: food, school, dorm, bills, etc.
-Get a job at this place.
-Be roommates with this person.
-Have this picture-perfect life set up.

Well, here's what happened: 
-I haven't met my future husband yet.
-I haven't even been on a real date yet - and I'm 24 years old.
-I ended up turning down the Youth Pastor position because I never felt a "green light" to go even though I would have a two-bedroom apartment, bills taken care of with extra money to spend. I could be living in a cute town, with the perfect size youth group, in a beautiful scenic area...etc, etc.
-I did get accepted into the Master's Program, but I'm not supposed to go back to school at the moment.
-I was unable to get the position that would pay for this program because of bad timing. 
-My job is only a temporary position that will end in August, then I will have to find something else.. 
-I still haven't landed my "dream job" - and at this point, I'm not sure what that exactly looks like.
-I ended up leaving my roommate situation, and not being able to be roommates with another person. I moved back home, however, I currently live with some people who have been gracious enough to open up their home for me. 
-This "picture perfect" life is false. 

The life I pictured for myself to be living at age 24 is not what it is in reality - not even close. I had all these goals to meet, places to be, people to have in my life, etc. None of it turned out as I thought and hoped it would. 

Am I okay with this? Honestly, as a sign of spiritual maturity we need to be able to say, "Yes" to this question. You may be asking, "How do I do this?" Here's what I did: 

Limit social media. - it is giving you a false idea of how your life should be.
Stop comparing yourself to other people. - Seriously... this will eat you alive.
Learn to live in the present. - You will enjoy your day-to-day tasks better if you aren't SO focused on the future. (Although, your future is important and should not be ignored by any means.)
Practice trust over worry. Just like that verse says, "Lean not on your OWN understanding." Trust God. Acknowledge God. He will make your paths straight.

God is unpredictable..............life is unpredictable.....and I have to be okay with that. 

How selfish of me to think that I had to live life MY way, especially when my way isn't the best way - not even close. 

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

Academics is the one thing I can say I've been consistently good at my entire life.  Since I was a young girl I always remember having a love for learning.  All throughout high school learning was easy for me and I never really studied.  However, college has changed that, Bible College in particular.  If there's one thing I've studied that I found difficult, it's the Bible.

I would say it's the Bible because anything else you learn is relative, but the Bible is absolute.
It's truths always remain. It's timeless. A masterpiece of not only literature, but storytelling, character development, thick plot lines with great themes interwoven....the Bible is quite the piece of art.  But not only is it that, but it's also the most encouraging thing I've ever read.

Nothing compares to the Bible, nor will it ever. No other writing has authority over my life.  No other book can be as action packed and exciting.  The Bible is the greatest story ever told, and by about 40 different authors. I mean, how amazing is that? From beginning to end I am just in awe of this magnificent story of redemption and love.

Anyway, back to academics.  I've felt rejected many times in my life, but none of which when it came to academics.  Sure, there were people who got more awards than me at the awards banquets each year.  Sure, there were more people who won contests and got awards for those.  Sure, there were students who were the teacher's pet before I was, but that was fine with me.  There are others who have done greater things than I have, and that's fine with me because we all can't be the best. Yet, we all fear rejection. And unfortunately, that's what happened to me.

I've been rejected from many things in life, but it's never been academics.  I've been accepted to any and every college I've ever applied for. I've always had a relatively high GPA. I've never been kicked off sports teams for not doing my homework.  I've never been on any sort of academic probation. 
I've never been rejected from academics until now.... Friday night I came home to a letter from Evangel University saying that I did not get accepted into their Master's Program because of lack of work experience.  I honestly think it's because I've been in retail for the past five years of working, but then again, I still do not see how that wouldn't be applicable to their program.  But it's okay.... at least that's what I'm telling myself.

I don't want to sound like a wailing baby but man....I'm just confused.  I felt like I had prayed about this program enough, got some opinions of people in the program, and ultimately I thought God had confirmed it several times.  I had met someone a few states away while on a trip who just graduated the program and loved it.  One of my close friends was in the program at that time....it all seemed to be falling together. My plan was coming into fruition. However, I'm not so sure of that now. 

I'm not sure what the future holds, but I know the One who holds my future.  We may have heard this quote before, but it still rings true.  Right now it seems like the future is looking dimmer by the second, but really it's looking a lot brighter.  Truth be told, I was not looking forward to another 2 years of school because of how burnt out I am.  And who knows, maybe in a few years I will apply to this program and the timing will be right?

My current plans are to take a few more classes this summer to finish out my associates degree and to work at Great Southern almost full time.  I also have a few possible trips coming up to look forward to. After that, we shall see. 

I'm tossing around a few ideas in my mind....but I won't disclose those until God discloses more to me. :)

I know God has a greater plan, but for the time it may be to just work on myself and be happy and healthy where I am at. 

I will wait patiently upon the Lord.

In the mean time, I will share a song I came across a few days ago off Hillsong's new album, "Zion".  The lyrics really touched me, and the song is just great. The melodies and music are just so melodic and relaxing. 

Hillsong, "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" - Zion, 2013

 

 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

 

 

 



This song just pierced my heart the first time I heard it. It's so beautiful, touching, inspiring, and encouraging. 

When I heard this and see the lyrics it just touches me because God calls us into the waters...where our feet may fail. Where everything is unknown, yet we follow. The oceans are a mystery because of how deep they are and because of how deep God is.  He is but a mystery, yet when he calls to us so lovingly, I can't help but follow. When the world is deep around me, my faith still stands.

Although academics have failed me, God does not. 
Although my friends may fail me, God does not.
Although my faith at times may fail me, God does not.

He still walks with me out on the water...holding my hand, guiding me.

This song is my prayer, "Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior."

I will call upon Your Name. My soul will rest in Your embrace.
I am Yours and You are mine.

I am still loved by God, and He is still mine.
Perfect.

He Has the Power to Change.

I read a Facebook status a friend posted this morning, and I've been thinking about it ever since.

At first the status makes sense from a worldly persective, but in a Godly perspective I can't say that it does.

Let me first start off by saying how many times I thought I could "become" something new, or someone new...but it never worked. I've tried to change myself so many times in hopes that I could get myself out of this lifelong "rut" I seemed to find myself in.

Day after day.....I remained the same.

You keep saying you want change, but you don't want to do what it takes to get there.
You keep saying you want change, but it's harder work than you ever thought it would be.

"Changing" seems easy, right?
We just want to wake up a new person, somebody else, maybe even someone we're desperately jealous of.
We wake up everyday and change our clothes...
We change our hair....and makeup...
We think we can change everything about us.

I thought I could change everything about myself, but I couldn't.
I tried and tried, but in the end I stayed the exact same person.

We can change our physical appearance.
We can change our name.
We can change the way we do things.
We can TRY and muster up enough energy to completely change everything about us, yet, it will never work.

You would agree that we all desire change, right?
I haven't met one person who is at their most perfect state of being.
I haven't met one person who IS, in fact, perfect.
I haven't met one person who doesn't find at least ONE flaw about them they'd like to change.
I haven't found one person who truly doesn't need to change something about them, we all do.

If you read nearly everyone's New Years resolutions you will see "Be a better person." in the #1 slot.

We all desire change.
We desire to improve ourselves.

The only two questions I would ask are, "How?" and "For who?"

1. How are you going to change yourself?
2. For whom are you changing yourself?

If we answer these questions wrong, we miss the whole point.

See, there has to be a plan for everything....or nothing will work.

Teachers have a curriculum they teach, if they didn't, then they wouldn't be organized and the students in the classroom would learn nothing.

If you want financial freedom, then you have to live on a budget. If you don't form a budget, then you'll never be good with spending your money.

If you want to graduate high school or college then you have to take the right classes at the right times to be on schedule for graduation.

If you want to lose weight you have to workout and eat healthier.

There are plans for everything.

There's also another point I'd like to make... If you don't have a target, you will never make bullseye.
Meaning, if you don't know where you're aiming, how can you expect to hit the target?
You can't.
And it'd be foolish to think it's possible.

To answer question #1: we must have a plan.
To answer question #2: God.

Many people want to change for someone else.
Their boyfriends tell them they're fat...so they want to get in shape, or starve themselves, or make themselves throw up.
Someone tells you you're stupid, so you study hard for a test in hopes of getting back at them spitefully and bragging about how you got the better grade.
Maybe you're dating someone and you say, "He or she makes me want to be a better person."

Well, if I were to be honest with you, all of these are pretty shallow.

You want to better yourself because someone else doesn't think you're good enough. If you truly think about that, it doesn't make sense.

What also doesn't make sense is wanting to change yourself for YOURSELF.
I always hear people say, "I'm not going to change myself for someone else, if I want to change it's going to be for myself."

I've said that before. I've told myself that if I'm going to lose weight, then I'm going to lose it for myself. To look better, to feel better...

How selfish of me.
And you want to know something else? It never worked.

I tried changing myself for a guy and everything I tried failed.
He still didnt' like me.
And I ended up giving him more of myself than I bargained for.
I tried changing everything I could so desperately thinking..."Maybe he will like me now."
And I kept telling myself that over...and over again..

When my motivation was someone else...it didn't work.
When my motivation was myself...it didn't work.
Only when my motivation has been God has it worked.

The answer to question #2: God.

God has been helping me lose weight and get in shape.
God has been helping me get the great GPA that I have.
God has been changing my family.
God has been changing my heart.

Ultimately, God has brought this transformation in my life.
God is the only One who truly has the power to transform us, not ourselves.
We, as mere humans, cannot do it alone.
We have no strength or power compared to that of God's.

If there's any change in your life that needs to be made, I would encourage you to let Christ BE that change you so desperately desire.


His ways are higher than mine.
His knowledge is greater than mine.
If there's anything we should be "changed" into...it's the image of Christ.

So I would ask you to truly think about who you want to "become" and "how" you want to get there.
The Bible gives us the most practical advice on how we need to be changed... on how we can be new creations.
But it's only through Christ that this change can truly occur.

If you struggle with depression, God can change that.
If you hate the way you look, God can change that.
If you hate who you are, God can change that.

Only God can truly help you.
So help yourself by not letting yourself be in control, because you will fail.
But God never fails.

If we want to be transformed, He will transform us if we let him.

It's only when we get to the end of ourselves that we find Christ.
You can continue to try and change yourself, but it hasn't worked yet, and it's never going to.
You just keep banging your head against the wall.

Albert Einstein even said, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results."

If you keep doing the same things over and over again, you're going to get the same results.
If you keep trying to change yourself, it's always going to fail.

If you truly desire change, you'll seek the One who has the power to change.

A Faithful God in 2013.

It's that time of year....New Years resolutions time!
Typically everyone DREADS this time of year because they realize all the things they wanted to accomplish that year and didn't... well, no more of feeling like a failure!
I have a solution that's worked for me for the past 3 years.
And get this, I didn't even know I was accomplishing all of my goals, but by the end of each year, I had.

The key? Write your goals down.
For the past 3 years I have made an extensive list of all the things I wanted to accomplish in the upcoming year, and by the end of that year I had nearly accomplished everything I had written down!

It's crazy to think that 3 years ago one of my goals was "No cursing". God is faithful! Hahaha!
Man...I've grown a lot in the past 3 years and it's awesome to see how faithful God has been to me since I started making these goals.

Here are what some of my goals were. Don't make fun of me...........I was serious at the time of writing these. Looking back now I sort of laugh. Oh, and these are the basic versions. I figured I would spare you the time of reading my in depth, detailed version.. And I'd also spare me the embarrassment...... =]

My goals for 2010 were to:
-Drink more water
-Lose weight
-Be more fashionable
-Wear makeup
-Learn to cook
-No cursing
-Make more friends
-Try talking to boys (ha! This got me into lots of trouble....)
-Get a job.
-Make A's in classes.
-Be more mature
-Show more personality
-Work on self-confidence and not bashing myself.
-Learn to play piano/guitar. 

I ended up accomplishing most of these by the end of that year! AND, after I had written out these goals, I never once looked at this list again until it was time to write my resolutions for the next year.  I then crossed out all of the ones I had accomplished, and kept the ones I still wanted to accomplish.

To this day, I've accomplished more than I ever thought possible, all because I was subconsciously working on these goals throughout the next year.

Write things down. It helps!! Really!

Ways to Improve Myself (2011):
-Lose weight
-Grow hair out
-Work on my wardrobe/image: wear heels, boots, etc, etc, etc.
-Keep trying new makeup
-Learn to cook........STILL.
-Have purer thoughts, tame the tongue, memory verses, daily Bible reading, prayer, etc.
-Expand to more Christian music (Ha! The Lord has redeemed me!)
-Continue to develop self-confidence.
-Journal daily.
-Spend more time with friends and family.
-Work on relationships.
-Mature as an adult, into a woman. (Ha.. )

Ways to Improve Myself (2012):

This year I really challenged myself and realized that you are more likely to accomplish your goals if you write them down! So, I took this year more seriously. And as I read these today, it blew my mind to see that God had faithfully answered all of my goal prayers!! Even the big ones!

-Drink more water, lose weight, less fast food, etc.
-Workout 3x a week.
-Buy better clothes that flatter my body.
-Straighten hair more often.
-Play guitar/piano more often.
-Lead worship at every given opportunity.
-Write some songs.
-Give a lesson.
-Become financially stable.
-Blog more often. (Accomplishing that one right now! lol)
-Restore broken relationships
-Become emotionally stable.
-Be more dependent on God.
-Go to at least 1 concert. (I went to several!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-Go on a missions trip. (I WON a trip to Baja!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God works in CRAZY big ways!)


Man. God is sooo faithful! He helped me accomplish everything I wanted without me even realizing it. And, of course, I have HUGE expectations for this year!

Ways to Improve Myself (2013):
-Make the "Eat to Live" diet a permanent lifestyle change.
-Get down to 150 lbs, or a size 10.
-Run a 5k without stopping.
-Pick up a new sport, hobby.
-Have long hair!!!!
-Deepen my relationship with God.
-A memory verse a day.
-Find a permanent church home.
-Complete the Daniel fast.
-Write at least 3 songs. 
-Meet new people, make new friends.
-Become an expert in finances.
-Find a stable mentor who challenges me.
-Go on another missions trip!
-Graduate CBC!
-Finish my last 2 classes at OTC and graduate there, too!! Hahaha!
-Get accepted into Evangel's MOL program!
-Attain a substitute teaching certificate.


2013 has big expectations! But God has been faithful and steadfast so I figured I might as well try to top the previous years. :)

I pray that if you withstood the dread of reading all my goals, that you would come up with your own goals.
Write them down.
Don't look at them until the end of the next year.
And progressively take steps for a greater and brighter future for yourself.

God can only be as big as our dreams.
Dream big.

Contentment is a Beautiful Thing.

If you were to tell me where I would be in life right now 5 years ago....I'd say you were CRAZY.

#1. Five years ago I was in church but still didn't have that deep relationship with Christ that I have now.
#2. Five years ago I graduated high school (in May it will be 5)

So...as I was graduating my plan was to go to community college and study Spanish to be a Spanish translator... and, this may still happen one day because I do feel called to a Spanish speaking country for short term missions. Not sure where, or when. But maybe someday.

I never would have expected that I'd end up at Bible College.
I never anticipated seeking credentialing... I'll be a Reverend one day. Surreal, but the coolest thing I've ever done!
I never expected that I'd try out for the school preaching team, Catalyst.....and be the only exclusive girl preacher! That's a first for the team, and a first for a female Catalyst preacher to preach in senior chapel.
I NEVER thought I would have the courage to do Senior Chapel, but last year (my second year at CBC) I knew God wanted me to do it. I've waited a year for this thing! Nov. 29th!!
I never thought I'd grow up to be a preacher. I hated public speaking, and I'm still learning to be confident up there! 
Oh, and I never thought I would have had all the cool jobs and coworkers that I do have.
It's amazing what God can do through relationships!

Through relationships, and God's providence, I ended up at Bible College...on the preaching team....and accomplishing all of these things I never would have had in store for myself.

Man. All this is to say, that God gets the glory for everything!! That I had absolutely no part in this, because if I did, I'd be doing something entirely different.

I'm just really excited to see where God is leading me.

There hasn't been many times in my life when I feel like I'm doing everything right.... most of the time I think I'm doing everything wrong, but I'm learning how faithful God is. I feel like right now I'm going deeper with God than I ever have. I feel like He's preparing me for a powerful ministry coming up, and I want to be in His will now more than ever! I don't want to get this wrong..

I feel like God's preparing me for so many things greater than myself... and He's yet to reveal those to me.

Will I get my Master's at Evangel?
Will I get my Substitute Teacher Certificate?
Where will I work, and who will I live with?
Is my future husband anywhere in this? And if not, is God calling me to be a single female in ministry?

I'm just so excited about life, and I really could care less and less about trivial things.
Maybe I'm just education and career minded? Oh well....because it feels great.

Is doing music anywhere in my future?
Will I be a pastor anywhere, or am I called to be bi-vocational in a secular environment?

God will have His way. And His way is better than mine... so I'm perfectly fine with it.

Paul says to be content in every situation, and I think I'm finally understanding what that means.

Being Spiritually Awake to the Unawakened Spirituals.

Let me just preface this blog before you read it..

It isn't nice.
It isn't theological.
It's me venting... so you'll just have to accept that.
I'm probably not right by what I say.
I'm probably speaking out of emotion, but sometimes that's okay.

So...I have to go into work at 7am today. I wake up and as soon as I step outside my door I find a packet of papers called, "No Christian Left Behind."  Pretty motivational....but I think these papers ended up at the wrong apartment.  I thought about sliding them over to my neighbors door, but then I decided that I really want to read them.....and I haven't yet, so I'll have to update you about that later.

Anyway, I was really thinking about God on my way to work this morning.  I was thinking that the roads are nice and empty, it's dark and cold, and I don't have an ice scraper when I really needed one, which almost made me late.... yet, there's a peace that swept over me.  Listening to worship on the way in just made it that much better. God knows I needed it to prepare myself for something else later.

There's this girl I work with.... I definitely don't like her, which makes me thankful that Christ said you never had to "love" them, but you had to "show" love to them. Well it's really difficult with her. 

I walk  up to the store before it even opens and I overhear her talking to my boss about her night...
She was talking about how tired she was and she even had a Starbucks in hand to prove it. 

Her, "So, I left the bar last night....and I called him, but I didn't think he was going to pick up....but then he did. And then I went over there....and then I left at 5am to go home, take a shower, then get back to work." 

Now, you have to understand this girl. She brags about EVERYTHING. Yep, even booty calls. It just makes me really sad because she talks about this "guy she's dating" when really they probably just sleep together, and you can label me as a judgmental, bad Christian, I really don't care, but this is the kinda stuff I hear her talking about ALL THE TIME.

She continually complains about being tired for the next 3, 4 hours we're at work.  And then...I decided to speak up. She complained again....and I said, "Hum.. I feel pretty good today." My boss goes, "Yeah. Me too. I'm a morning person though."  That was all it took for her to say, "Well....this week has been busy... I had to go here at so and so time. Then I had to be here..." At this point I just blocked her out.  Her voice annoys me. The things she does annoys me.  Her work "ethic", if you want to call it that, annoys me.

EVERYTHING ABOUT HER ANNOYS ME.

I know, you're probably thinking, "Dang. Sarah is....(fill in the blank), and you'd be right.
I'm just not sure how to handle her.  I'm struggling to find compassion for her "tiredness" at work when really it's just from her drinking too much, and having sex all night with her "boyfriend" she found on the internet. (This is a whole 'nother story in itself...). REALLY. You expect me to have compassion for how sleepy she is at work from not going to sleep the night before?? NO.

I'm just really proud of myself for calling her out on it.  She was bragging about all the "exams" and "tests" she's had to take....and granted, I'm sure it was a lot of hard work. 3 Praxis tests, she's a proctor for the ACT, she's taken the SAT, MCAT....blah, blah, blah. I get it. You're "successful".  But what I DON'T find successful is willingly calling a guy for a booty call because you feel so bad about yourself and your lack on self-confidence that HE is the only thing that will fix that.  I also don't find it very successful that you're an irresponsible drinker...and that you THRIVE on telling the "great" stories of it the next day.

I really just find you sort of lame.

And then...God convicted me of my lack of compassion for you. Lucky, you.

On the way home I just kept thinking....."I just really don't like her. Her personality clashes with mine. She brags about everything..." At one point in our conversation I interrupted her and rudely said that I had taken the credentialing exam and will soon be a Reverend.  I know, how prideful of me right? I just really wanted her to shut up, to be honest. Granted, I could have picked ANYTHING that wasn't spiritual, but I decided to be spiritual...and show her how spiritual I was. Terrible decision? Probably. I feel bad for doing it, but at that moment I was ignorant to her unawakened spirit....which leads me to say this.

I want to write a book called, "Being Spiritually Awake to the Unawakened Spirituals." 
On the way home, under my conviction, I felt bad and the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, "Have compassion."  However, I feel like there's a difference in having compassion on someONE and on the amount of tiredness they show because of their bad decisions.  I have no compassion on the bad consequences that come with making bad decisions. 

I'll say it.
I'm glad she was miserable from drinking and such because maybe it will help her wake up and realize the world around her.....and that the world, in fact, doesn't revolve around HER.
Really, I don't have to work harder to make up for your lack of work ethic because of your decisions. And, I refuse to anyway.

Then again....this idea of compassion comes back to haunt me.

2 things I'm struggling with:
1. Finding the fine line between compassion and pity.
2. Simply just pitying people.

I know, you're gonna think I'm terrible, but I really just have to say it because maybe one of you out there can help me.

I want to have compassion for her, and on those others out there that I will soon face one day. 
Yet, part of me wants to pity her and find her dire life situation just really sad, and walk away.

Back to my book idea.... I also felt convicted that although I am spiritually awakened and others are not, we are the same.  God loves me just as much as he loves her, and at times I want to throw a temper tantrum and think it isn't fair. Granted, one day I'll be judged just as much as they will be, but at least I am ready for it.  The compassion comes in here....because they are not ready for this judgment that is to come.

And then something flashed before my eyes. 
The politics are getting out of control.
Even simple "faith" or "religion" conversations in the workplace can be a mild form of persecution.

....but the worst is yet to come.
The world is going to get FAR worse before the rapture happens, I think.
People are gonna have to choose one side or the other. And it really is a constant battle.

We are at war for our souls...and only the spiritually awakened realize it.
Just prepare yourselves....because things are gonna get nasty in the end times.
They already are.

I was texting my friend about this and he told me to remember 2 things.
1. People aren't the things they did yesterday, but they are their beliefs today.
2. People want to feel important.

And to this I have to say that 1: We all HAVE sinned and fall short of God's glory, but some boast about their shortcomings and I will never understand why.  It's like the things in #1, the things they do/did ARE indeed the things that make them feel important, #2.

So really, all this to say, I need to learn the difference between compassion and pity.
I need to be "Spiritually Awake to the Unawakened Spirituals". 

There are people out there who need Christ. And from now on I'm determined to find boldness so I can unashamedly preach the Gospel.

Oh, and on the way home I see her get in her car and start smoking a cigarette. I really wanted to snub my head at her, and then I just though, "it's really sad that people turn to cigarettes, booty calls, and drinking too much to make them feel important." 

We must learn to be spiritually awake to the unawakened spiritual people out there, because other than the fact that we are spiritually awake and they aren't...........we're the exact same.