Mid-Year Reflect.

It appears as though nearly half the year has gone by and I have utterly failed at all of my New Year's resolutions. (See previous blog post.) But....that's okay. The Lord has really been showing me that there is not even one ounce of guilt, shame, or condemnation for those who are His children. 

The world tells me that it's about performance. This has become particularly evident with graduations happening about this time of year. The long robes, the multi-colored cords that hang from your neck, the plaques, awards, trophies, etc. Those are all awesome achievements! They definitely deserve respect and honor, and they all took hard work and excellence. It glorifies God, that's for sure. But, even then, God must be honored outside the classroom too, and outside of the numerous activities we can be involved in. 

It's been two years since I graduated college and really just feel like I have nothing to show for it except a bunch of debt, and the daily financial strains it has caused my family. However, I remind myself that I did finish. I'm the first to finish. That's something to be proud of, but something to be humble about...because now I work two jobs trying to knock out my debt while I'm young. The debt weighs on me. My car payment weighs on me. I feel guilty for buying clothes, even the small things like a bottle of water or gum. Budgeting has helped me, certainly, but the debt still weighs over my head and my heart for my family. 

I know something radical is about to happen. I'm thinking about selling everything I have just to pay off as much debt as possible. Sell my car. Sell every nice thing I have of worth. I've considered travelling to another country to teach English as a Second Language. Getting my TESOL certificate. If I leave the country for 2 years I can pay all of my debt off. Yet, if I stay, I will be paying on it for at least the next 10 years. I just want to be free.

These two ideas aren't really related, just something I've been thinking about a lot. Many times I've just dreaded reading my Bible, and I just haven't done it. Worship became dull. Life seemed dark for awhile there, but God is the hope that saves me and continues to save me each day. Moving, starting a new job, attending a new church, etc, has been really great for me. I just know there's something more. There's something more radical God is calling me to do. I just want to know what that is. 

Today I traded shifts with someone and got to sleep in. I got to wake up and listen to worship with a clear mind - not tired. I got to journal and be inspired. God isn't calling us to live a life NOT free. He calls us to live free. I left that time feeling inspired and encouraged and full of hope for the future. I won't always have debt. I won't always work two jobs. I will get to travel the world someday. I will get to do the radical things God is calling me to do!

Sorry..this is probably an incomplete thought with bad transitions between idea concepts, but does anybody else feel this way??

Some NEW New Year's Resolutions, or Mid-Year Resolutions....haha... are these: 

Note: I've given up the performance based resolutions...time for the real hard stuff God wants to show me.

1. Accept God's grace for myself.
2. Accept God's goodness through the dark and happy times both.
3. Forgive yourself. 
4. Walk in freedom.
5. Keep being a financial beast.
6. Travel more.
7. View singleness as a God-given opportunity to better yourself, progress towards the future, and serve God to the fullest.
8. Clean eating.
9. Join Fusion Fitness and within 1 year be in the best physical shape of my life.
10. Stop living in fear.
11. Stop living in fear.
12-infinity: STOP LIVING IN FEAR. 

Actually, there is a 13: Accept God's love for me, and ultimately, accept Him as my Father.

2015, Welcome.

For the past few days I have been searching vigorously through old files, flash drives, emails, etc. I cannot find my New Year's resolutions for 2014..... they are nowhere to be found. No wonder this year was tough....there was no vision.

Every year since since 2010 I have set goals for myself and I've darn near reached every one of them by the end of it. 2015 will be no different. While most of my goals are personal, financial, emotional, etc., this year my aim is to work on the more spiritual.

1. Protect my personal devotion time with the Lord. 
- Less distractions, no Facebooking, even less worship music. Just me and God talking like best friends, every single day without exception.
-Find good devotional book, continue journaling.

2. Learn to play/sing more worship songs.
-Find out what keys work best for me.
-Get better at playing solo/leading instead of following.
-Challenge myself vocally.
-Practice at least twice a week outside of usual practice

3. Serve the church more faithfully. 
-Be involved, but not too involved in order to avoid burnout.
-Serve in areas that will stretch me and push me out of my comfort zone.
-Tithe above 10%
-Pay my ministerial renewal before the very last day of the year.....................never fails.

4. Snag more preaching engagements.

5. Study more.
-A few days ago I jokingly wrote a Facebook status noting that half of my education comes from articles found online and the other half from Pinterest DIY tutorials... this will need to change.
-Read about things I've never thought about studying before.. just continue being a learner.

6. Work on preaching calendar and sermon series for the future.
-Need to find better reading materials to help with this.
-Work on commentary collection, pastoral resources.

7. Travel.
-Wisconsin, Texas, Minnesota, Alabama... you are all on my list. 

8. Cherish family time more.

9. Develop culinary skills further.
-Or marry a chef.

10. Run a handful of 5K's.
-Under 35 minutes is the goal.

11. Get gym membership.

12. Healthier lifestyle.
-Lose 30 pounds.
-Wear a size 12 in pants, medium in shirts.

13. Become a financial expert.
-Excel in new position at the credit union.
-Invest in a money market, IRA, HSA, etc. 
-Pay off my car! 

14. Make more guy friends.
-...and keep them. Ha.

15. Be more adventurous. 
-Get out there and freakin' do something dangerous for once! 

There you have it. :)

How to be an Excellent Woman - Proverbs 31.

Well, if you're reading this you probably want to know how to become a better woman, better yet, an excellent woman. Or, you want to marry one someday. 

Why am I writing this? For the past few weeks I've been really trying to figure out what qualities men desire in a wife. Turns out, the Bible already has a recipe for that. It also turns out that I'm not a Proverbs 31 woman....yet. Actually, I'm pretty freakin' far from it which is exactly why I'm writing this.

If you read the first 9 verses of Proverbs you will see the type of woman you don't want to marry - a mistress. Verse 2 begins, "What are you doing, my son?" You can go ahead and read those verses, but let's skip to all of the qualities you want to have as a female, or desire in your future wife. 

Disclaimer: This is my mere exegesis of this... however, it is supported by commentary so take it as you will.

The Woman Who Fears the Lord - Proverbs 31:10-31

10: "An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels." - In ancient times jewelry was a symbol of wealth, social status, authority, and royalty. It was valued so much that it was almost seen as a form of currency. Wow. A good wife is rare, special, and highly valuable. 

Note: Proverbs 18:22 solidifies this with, "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord."

11: "The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain." - A good wife is trusted. 

12: "She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." - A good wife is supportive of her husband and does him no harm. All the days of her life...not just some days, all days. 

13: She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands." - She is willingly a hard worker. I assume this means she is a seamstress of sorts and knows how to work with textiles (fabrics). Ladies, learn to sew. I guarantee you one day your husband will need you to sew on a button for him. How cute is that!? :)

14: "She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar." - Feed the guy. Learn to cook.. this is probably how we will win them over. I don't really know how to cook so this is the first skill I'm trying to learn to domesticate myself more. I have the sewing thing down, and a machine to prove it! 

15: "She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens." - In my Bible the commentary notes explain this verse as, "before the day begins, the "excellent wife" multiplies the effectiveness of her work, because her planning enables everyone else in her household to be productive throughout the day." In modern day, I assume this means she is efficient in all her ways: arises early to make breakfast for the kids, get them dressed, and sends them off to school, picks out her husband's clothing, makes his coffee (eh, maybe not), etc. Whatever she does, she is productive all day long. 

16: "She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard." - An excellent woman is business/career-minded. She is financially educated, and I assume she also maintains a pretty stellar garden. 

17: "She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong." - Athletic to some degree. She at least takes care of her body to some extent and dresses well. 

18: "She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night." - "her merchandise" - She is probably good at making things, crafts, etc. She even stays up late to do it if it will ensure a profit for her or her family.

19: "She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle." - A distaff and spindle are both tools used to make thread from wool. An excellent woman has a range of abilities that involve manual and commercial labor, administrative and interpersonal skills. 

20: "She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy." - She must be giving, considerate, and compassionate for the less fortunate. 

21: "She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet." - She prepares for the weather before clothing her family? 

22: "She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple." - She makes clothing? Quilting? Probably crocheting and knitting, too.. there has to be a correlation to this and all the old women who have successful marriages with their first and only husband. I just know it.

23: "Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land." - She makes her husband proud because of her noble character. The quality is probably the most important because an excellent wife helps give you a good reputation. 

24: "She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant." - She's an entrepreneur! 

25: "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come." - She's modest and has self respect, not only in her clothing choices, but also in her manner and how she carries herself.

26: "She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." - She's wise and teaches kindness. 

Note: Most of the time in wisdom literature (Proverbs, among other books), wisdom is personified using men, however, this passage shows that it equally applies to women as well. Proverbs can be understood by both men and women.

27: "She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness." - She is not lazy. She is diligent in caring for her home: cooking, cleaning, etc. Am I saying she is the only one doing all the work? No. Is this a feminist push for women to be the typical housewife? No. An excellent woman is not lazy in any way.

28 and 29: "Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 'Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all." - I honestly think this means that she raises her children to be well-behaved, and they love her for it. Her husband praises her for it. Her children have a good relationship with her and everyone realizes the value in the family. 

30: "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." - I know, every girl quotes this, right? Well that just means it's probably true. I mean, it does say that "beauty is vain", yet so many guys base their decision to date a girl by her looks. Her charm will fade, her beauty will fade, but her fear of the Lord must never fade. Beauty is a bonus, Godliness first.

My commentary says, "The mention of a woman who fears the Lord at the end of this long list of excellent qualities, brings back the theme of the book of Proverbs states in 1:7 (fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom). It reminds readers that this woman excels in her fear of the Lord, and therefore that she is a model of the character traits and wisdom taught throughout the book's 31 chapters. The appearance of this woman's fear of the Lord at the end of the list is also a reminder that this quality is more important than even great skill and talent, and is foundational to the wise and right use of all activities and skills. 

31: "Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates." - Husbands, praise your wife for how excellent she is. This is your sign of love to her. 

As an overview, some of the qualities I listed to make you an excellent woman include: 

Trusting

Be good to him, supportive

Hardworking

Taking care of the household, kids.

Business/career-minded

Financially educated

Athletic, strong

Gardener

Crafty, makes things

Stays up late if needed to put family first

Giving

Makes her husband proud of her, noble character

Gives her husband a good reputation

Modest, self-respect

Dignity

Wise

Teacher

Not lazy

Beautiful, charming, but first of all, Godly.

At the end of the day, I just want to be more like a Proverbs 31 woman. If there could ever be a perfect woman, she's probably the closest we will ever find. If she can be found.. 

"An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels..." 

Leave it All Behind.

Well, I plan on moving away. Somewhere far, far away. Maybe not now, maybe not in a year.. but someday. For the past two years at right about this time of year, actually, God has given me opportunities to leave Springfield. Numerous occasions, to be exact. But for some reason... I'm just not ready yet.

Honestly, at one point in time it seemed like nothing here was working out. I wasn't where I wanted to be in life. No stellar jobs were opening up. There was nothing here that I wanted to do or pursue. Everything seemed like a dead end. 

Pursue youth ministry - Nope, not the right fit.

Pursue a Master's Degree - Getting accepted doesn't mean you should do it.

Move back home, find a job, pay off bills, save money - I can't go back there.

Pack up everything and move to Wisconsin to start over. - ....getting closer, but no.

Well, if there's anything I've learned through all of this, it is that decision making grieves me at times. I was torn for about a month on the youth pastor position. Do it? Don't do it? Not the right time? Do I need more school? My fear got in the way.

Pursue a Master's Degree? Sure, why not. More school would postpone me having to make any further decisions about my future, postpone my loan payments, and give me more time to think about the future. Plus, it would look good to everyone else around me that I'm still an intellectual who cares about education. Also, it looks freaking good on a resume and could make me more money one day. And make me feel smarter than half the world. Ok, God? Well, no, Sarah, not a good decision either.

Move back home? No, there's a baby in the house now. There is no room for you. Leave the nest already.

Move to Wisconsin? Lead Spanish worship? Just quit your job and use your last $200 to drive up here and make a new life? There's something so extremely frightening about that... yet something so incredibly freeing that I almost did it. But...here's why I didn't. 

Pros of Moving to WI:

New life.

Living with some of my best friends.

Their two adorable, precious babies.

Snow!

Already having a church home lined up.

Getting to be involved in the Spanish speaking community! (I have a heart for them.)

Possibly preaching in Spanish fluently one day? (A girl can dream/cast vision!)

Meeting a Spanish man? ay ay ay.

Stepping out of my comfort zone.

Cons of Moving to WI:

Running away from past hurts and broken relationships.

Running from God. 

Financial instability until I found a job.

Recent car problems - Would I make it there safely?

Leaving my church here

Quitting my job wouldn't look good on a resume. 

Want to know the real reason I couldn't leave? 

Because I was planning on doing it the wrong way - discreetly. 

I didn't want to tell anyone where I was going, what I would be doing, who I would be living with, why I was leaving. I didn't want to say goodbye to my church, I would just leave. I didn't want to give a proper two weeks notice, I would just call in and quit. I didn't even want to say bye to my family. I would just pack up the car, leave the keys to my house, fill up the tank, and pursue life somewhere else. 

Nobody would miss me.

Nobody would care.

Work would hire someone else - I'm very replaceable. 

Church has other guitarists - They wouldn't even realize I was gone. 

Then...in the midst of all this I had some revelations. While moving away would seem to be new life.. my past would follow me. My hurts and brokenness would still be there. My heart would still be dissatisfied at the end of the day....just hours and hours away. Hours away from family, financial security, a church family that means just as much to me as my blood family, and the place I grew up.

What does this mean?

It means you can't just run away from your problems. 

There comes a day when you have to grow up, be mature, and face your past and your fears head on. 

How do you do this? It's easy. You wake up one day and pray, "God, I want to grow up. I want to be able to take care of myself. Teach me how. Teach me how to be more like you. Teach me how to be selfless and put others first. Teach me how to control my speech and actions. Teach me how to glorify you in all that I do. Teach me how to have solid spiritual disciplines. Show me more sermons to write. Show me how to deepen my faith. Humble me." You just cry out to God and ask Him to show you how to be a better person - more like Him. 

Believe me, if you want it, He will show it to you. You have more things to work on than you realize. 

I understand that things don't change overnight, but sometimes you wake up and things just make sense. Things just click. Your brain problem solves and you know what you have to do.

I want a real job.

I want to act my age, but I'm surrounded by people much younger than me.

I want older friends I can learn and mature from.

I want to learn how to meet my physical needs better.

I want to get on a healthy routine/schedule in life. 

I want to be even more financially secure. 

I want to pursue ministry and marriage someday. Both in their proper times.

I want to be seen as a professional.

I want to be seen as a pastor - a role model for young girls.

I want to be confident and believe in myself.

I woke up and realized the only thing holding me back from these things was myself. Andy Mineo said something once, "My biggest enemy is me, and even I can't stop me."

I knew I couldn't run. It wouldn't get me anywhere. I had to stay and face my fears, make things right, enjoy my family while they were still close, work to save up and pay off debt. 

I had to get myself out of this hole I threw myself into...with God's help, obviously. I'm not saying I'm finished, but I'm ready to step up and be mature about it and make changes. One of my good friends told me bluntly that I need to stop complaining about my situation and just change it if I didn't like it. I'm going to do just that. 

"God wants you to just make a decision and stick with it. You've been trying to survive for so long now that you need to pick something and just stick with it. You can stay there or come here, but just pick and do it. You say you're coming and then you're not. If you're going to stay there then stop complaining about it and change your situation."

Wisconsin had a lot to offer, but it wouldn't have been the right decision. I would have moved there and ended up doing the same thing I'm doing here, just hours away. I would have been going for the wrong reasons and motives and, well, that just doesn't settle well with God.

I absolutely believe that God can call us to a specific location. I also believe that God has us rooted somewhere for a reason, and it just wasn't my time to leave yet. He's still molding me and using me where I am so why pack up and move away from the very thing He is desiring me to do? 

It is time to mature and settle into what God is doing in me, in my church, and in my family. He is fixing it all. He is aligning things up for my future that I know nothing about. I need to enjoy my time here instead of fighting it and wishing I were doing something else.

It's time to grow up, be an adult, and learn maturity in all that I do. I'm ready to move forward from the past, and embrace all that God has for my future. The hardest part is being willing to be humbled and lay down your fear in that entire process. Like I said, it won't happen overnight, but I know this is what God desires of us. 

It's time to grow up, Sarah. Take responsibility for your actions, deal with your issues, face your problems, and make wiser choices for the future. 

God's Goodness.

These past few months have been some of the most grueling months I've endured in the bane of my existence.

Not only has God been showing me that certain things I wanted were not truly what I wanted, but He's also been showing me how much He loves me. And let me tell you, it's a lot. This is going to sound like the most cliche blog you've probably ever read...but keep reading. God not only loves you so much that He sent Jesus to die for you, but He continues to show it to you everyday if you let Him. And.....if you trust Him.

Let me start where it all began. It was the middle of August when everything seemed to be going well. I had a full time job, and a part time job that I seemed to be handling quite well. Sure, I was tired from working 8am-midnight every night, but I was managing and the money was great. Yet, it seemed I was working for nothing.. I felt unappreciated, unnoticed, and that maybe God was sort of punishing me for getting into debt and forcing me to get myself out of it. Eventually, I was not doing so hot at either jobs. I was really tired, irritable, barely making it to work on time, not caring about my performance, etc. 

Well, once my temporary job had ended that's when I realized how much I missed the security of it all. I worked in a safe environment, with safe people, for a safe organization. By "safe" I mean, "secure", "Christian", and that there was no amount of spiritual warfare whatsoever. God's presence resided over that place, but I still felt like it was all fake. My opinions still haven't changed much. You an add this onto the previous blog I posted about not having things turn out as I wanted or expected. 

Anyway...what is the point of this and how does it relate to God's love? Well, here goes. 

Once this position ended I was left with just my second retail customer service job. I definitely didn't want to make a career of it, but I am so thankful I had it to fall back on. These past few months I've gotten more hours there and have got to have some really great conversations about the Lord with numerous people. Working in customer service has had its advantages, and very few disadvantages if I could even think of any. However, I know this is not my calling forever....retail, that is. Yet, my calling is to love people like that every day in every way...every type of person. And in customer service you definitely get them all. 

I felt stranded, alone, anxious, cold, numb, frightened, etc. You name it, I felt it. Sometimes you never realize a good thing when you have it. In hindsight, I wouldn't change what happened...I couldn't have changed what happened, but I wished it had worked out differently!! However, God's plan was to teach me through it, not prevent me from it. After this position, I had a really great job lined up with a local nonprofit. I would help with their marketing for their financial business, and then help with the nonprofit doing their events. 

I had to plan a 5k. So, I did. And after it....they suddenly didn't have any hours for me. This was an answer to prayer on both ends, and I'm glad it didn't work out. Such an odd thing to say, "I'm glad it didn't work out." The 5K didn't turn out as well as we had hoped for, but it was a torrential downpour that day and I guarantee you that's half the reason. We were all still happy it happened how it did. It is finished and we know how to make next year's even better! I count this as a win. Well, somewhat.

After a few weeks of being there we had a discussion about how things were going, the 5K, what to change, how to grow for next year, etc. I was pretty happy there, so I didn't expect that I would be basically out of a job by the end of it.. but that's exactly what happened. All of the employees had been reorganizing and restructuring as we had planned on expanding into the next office suite. This transition process was taking way longer than anticipated, and truth be told, the construction company should have been released from the project. Near the end of September I had my last day there, but was told I could still do the social media and keep in contact with clients. I was happy with that...but I know that "restructuring" and "reorganizing" translated to "you aren't a good fit", and "we don't have room for you". I was crushed. 

For the first time in my life I was sort of "let go" from a job, however, technically, the job hasn't ended. I'm still volunteering and helping where I can when they need it, but as far as paying my bills went... I was let go. This is the scariest and most uncomfortable position I've ever been in. That feeling of being unwanted, not good enough, not professional enough, not intellectual enough, not fitting in.....the list could continue. I felt it...and man, did it hurt. 

What was I going to do? 

How were my bills going to be paid? 

I'm going to get behind on rent...

I have to worry about having enough gas and food....

UGH. Fear, worry, doubt, insecurity and uncertainty all crept in. I've already had my parents giving me a difficult time about finances and wanting me to take over my loan payments... this is literally the worst thing that could have happened to me. Little did I know that it would get worse. 

People will come looking for your rent money, whether or not you have all of it. They will take the last bit of cash you have, even if it's for food. The bills that you were getting ahead on will fall way behind and you wonder when tax collectors will come and find you. You start to wonder how your car payment will get paid and if they will come repossess your car. Well, that'd really be the end of it because you couldn't get to work to make MORE money! Such a vicious, greedy, financial cycle we live in. Ironically, I love finances and nerd out for any sort of financial discussion...and that will be further explained in a later blog. Hold tight.

Thus...the job hunt began...and boy was it awful. The longest month and a half of my life, undoubtedly. I hate spending 2 hours on one online application and having to type up a new cover letter for every company! Sure, you save a template and change a few things to tweak it for each new place, but it still just absolutely blows. What's even worse? Having a long interview, thinking it went well, sending a follow-up email, doing everything right, yet having nobody call you back.

One time I even had a 3 hour long group meeting, took numerous personality tests, timed and untimed math tests, problem solving tests, aptitude tests...and still nothing. I was the first done with every test. I aced the math portion. I had a strong personality type that fit the job description. The next day they even sent me homework to do. I had to create an excel line graph documenting the annual rainfall in Australia from 1950-2000. No joke. I wish I could make this up. I thought I was done with college and homework!? Oh, and I also had to create a business letter addressed to a company in another state, give the client his representative's name, and confirm the time of a meeting, all of which could be found by Google. I spend 5 hours on it just to be sure I did it correctly. After waiting with anxiety for a week and a half they finally sent an email saying how strong of a candidate I was but that they had went with someone else. Yet, they encouraged me to reapply in the future because of my skill sets. 

Again, why am I writing all of this? Because it documents every intricate detail of how God is good and faithful to His children. Sure, I didn't get the answer I wanted, and it sure as heck wasn't in the time frame I wanted (immediately, of course), but God provided. 

My bills were always taken care of. Sure, I got behind (and am still behind) on a few of them, but I always had food and gas and the essentials of life. God provided the right job, at the right time, too. 

I guess the point of this story is not to talk about jobs and finances, it's to talk about the sheer goodness and graciousness of God. I absolutely don't deserve anything I have, but out of the sheer love God has for us, He freely gives to us. 

He doesn't give to us because we are the most faithful Christian on earth. 
He doesn't give to us and provide for us because we look the best.
He doesn't give to us because we say the most spiritual of things.
He doesn't give to us because we are devout to church and even play on the worship team or lead a Sunday School class.

He gives to us because He loves us. We don't deserve His blessings...and there's absolutely no formula or routine thing we can do to earn them. It's free. A gift. We never know what it will be, or when it will come...but He will provide for you. He will give you what you need. I've done so many things wrong in this process, but thankfully it has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with God and His character.

I didn't deserve to be saved. I'm a wretched human being with a wicked and extremely sinful heart. My heart is the dirtiest part of my being, and it's internal so it's not something I can just change overnight. My character is imperfect, yet always learning and desiring to change and be transformed. Well, the good news is that while we're imperfect and in process, God gives to us because He loves us. And....He can take away from us....because that's still a sign of His love, too. 

3 things I can never argue: 
God is love.
God is good.
God is gracious.

2014: A Year Unexpected

Well... The year is halfway over, and I've yet to really accomplish anything significant, in my opinion. In fact, it seems quite opposite. Nothing has gone as planned in 2014. I have not achieved any goals I've set for myself, I'm not where I thought I would be. 

Maybe this is a good thing.

In 2014: 

• Applied to Graduate School - got accepted - not going....maybe later in life when I can get paid more for it.
• Applied for my Substitute Teaching Certificate - got fingerprinted but didn't finish the process.
• Applied for good jobs at other non-profits/organizations - not meant to be.
• Got a second part-time job at Academy to get ahead on payments - conquering that debt snowball.
• Had way more car problems in the past few months than I ever have - expensive as heck.
• Got a job with a financial advisory place, and get to lead a non-profit that benefits the community! - Yay!
• Successfully planned the Centennial - longest 5 months ever...especially when you can barely understand the customers who have questions from around the world.
• My first niece was born!
• My name has been in the local newspaper twice within one week of each other for two different organizations! - Pretty cool. 
• Got to officiate my first wedding for my best friend! - Whom later sent me a ukulele in the mail. Does it get any better? No.
• Made some great new friendships, and developed some already good ones!
• Got to lead worship solo on acoustic for the first time ever on a Sunday morning. - God works out your fears and calls you to have faith in the areas that most intimidate you.
• Paid off my school bill and received my diploma.
• Brainstormed and implemented an Events Coordinator position at church and I get to fill that role and help fulfill the vision of True Life Church. - What an honor, and exciting spot to be in!

None of these things I could have imagined happening. I did not know that I would make such good friends at Academy, or get a really great job that gives back to the community. In fact, I thought I would work at another non-profit. I also thought I'd be back in school, but as much as I want that it is not the right time. Then again, when I think about the homework I absolutely feel burnt out. This is probably a good thing, and too expensive of a thing to waste time on. I didn't see myself getting into the financial world, or event planning whatsoever, but it's really rewarding. If I could have planned 2014 it would have looked nothing like this. It probably would have had these options: 

• Work with a nonprofit.
• Work at a restaurant making cash every night.
• Work at the same job Full-Time.
• Still doing the same thing on the worship team, not really progressing as a musician.
• Having a roommate or a house full of them.
• Pursuing a Master's and maybe throw in some substitute teaching.
• Start looking for open churches to begin ministry.
• Start dating this guy someone set me up with. 

There's probably more, but I can't think of any at the moment. Anyway, 2014 would not have looked anything like it does now - halfway through. This has definitely been a year of discovery. In the end, God lines up paths for you and opens doors and it's way easier to trust Him with your future than it is for you to worry about it and try to MAKE things happen. I know, you're probably thinking this blog is in vain because of pointing out all of my "accomplishments", but I for sure posted some setbacks too. Things aren't always as they seem, and many times won't live up to your expectations....but there will be something out there that will, eventually.

I can't wait to see where 2015 takes me. Literally...... :) or who it brings me. ha! 

Life is Simply Unpredictable.

"Are you okay with your life not turning out as you planned?"

My answer was, of course, "No." And it was an honest answer. 

I woke up one morning and the Holy Spirit dropped into my heart this one sentence that would forever change my perspective of myself and God.

"Are you OKAY with your life not turning out as you planned?" To someone who is a perfectionist, an over-achiever, a performance driven person - this answer is no, and it always will be....until you let God drastically change you. That's exactly what I needed to do. 

If you answered this question with, "No" then you have some serious control issues to work through. Hey, don't get offended, I did too. And still do, for that matter. You and I are in the same boat. 

Anyway, my journal entry for April 15, 2014 was simply this question, "Are you okay with your life not turning out as you planned?" The answer should be "No" for many reasons. For example, wanting to do better, wanting to achieve certain goals, wanting to get married and have kids, wanting to go back to school and get a Master's Degree and start a great career making lots of money. I don't know about you but I want to have a nice house, car, a family that loves me, a job I enjoy waking up for every morning, delicious food to eat every day, etc. These are all admirable, wholesome things... until they get in the way of GOD'S plan for your life. 

See, God's plan is far greater than anything we can imagine. Our human, finite brains can only fathom things that make sense. God simply does not make sense sometimes, and we have to be okay with that because He IS God, after all. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want a God that I could understand at all times. Life just wouldn't be fun, and God would be emptied of his power and awe. 

This question really plagued me.. I knew I had the wrong answer, and that my heart wasn't where it needed to be. I was putting MY plans for my life before God's plans. How many of you know that just never works out? And if it does, we are cutting ourselves short of something greater. God's plans are divine, mine are not. 

This is getting a bit lengthy so I will just leave you with this thought to ponder for yourself, "Are you putting your plans above God's plans?" Yes, God sees your heart, your desires, your longings, your feelings, and he hears your thoughts and prayers. However, we need to be able to get to the place of thinking, "Yes, I'm okay with my plans not being greater than YOUR plans for my life." 

My plans for my life: (or so I thought)
-Date/Marry so and so.
-Get a Youth Pastor position and have everything I could ever need.
-Get accepted into a Master's Program.
-Get a G.A. to pay for this program and have EVERYTHING for college paid for: food, school, dorm, bills, etc.
-Get a job at this place.
-Be roommates with this person.
-Have this picture-perfect life set up.

Well, here's what happened: 
-I haven't met my future husband yet.
-I haven't even been on a real date yet - and I'm 24 years old.
-I ended up turning down the Youth Pastor position because I never felt a "green light" to go even though I would have a two-bedroom apartment, bills taken care of with extra money to spend. I could be living in a cute town, with the perfect size youth group, in a beautiful scenic area...etc, etc.
-I did get accepted into the Master's Program, but I'm not supposed to go back to school at the moment.
-I was unable to get the position that would pay for this program because of bad timing. 
-My job is only a temporary position that will end in August, then I will have to find something else.. 
-I still haven't landed my "dream job" - and at this point, I'm not sure what that exactly looks like.
-I ended up leaving my roommate situation, and not being able to be roommates with another person. I moved back home, however, I currently live with some people who have been gracious enough to open up their home for me. 
-This "picture perfect" life is false. 

The life I pictured for myself to be living at age 24 is not what it is in reality - not even close. I had all these goals to meet, places to be, people to have in my life, etc. None of it turned out as I thought and hoped it would. 

Am I okay with this? Honestly, as a sign of spiritual maturity we need to be able to say, "Yes" to this question. You may be asking, "How do I do this?" Here's what I did: 

Limit social media. - it is giving you a false idea of how your life should be.
Stop comparing yourself to other people. - Seriously... this will eat you alive.
Learn to live in the present. - You will enjoy your day-to-day tasks better if you aren't SO focused on the future. (Although, your future is important and should not be ignored by any means.)
Practice trust over worry. Just like that verse says, "Lean not on your OWN understanding." Trust God. Acknowledge God. He will make your paths straight.

God is unpredictable..............life is unpredictable.....and I have to be okay with that. 

How selfish of me to think that I had to live life MY way, especially when my way isn't the best way - not even close.